Advice on not offending DH please .. . .

[Bluebell] Well - that told me! Dont feel sorry for ' the bloke' - I don't make a big thing out of anything he does - - I was purely asking for advice on how to handle the situations better so as not to hurt his feelings! He is a lovely man and I know I am lucky to have him for the last 4 years - and I do let things go most of the time as I know they are not important in the grand scheme of things.
Thankyou to everyone who volunteered helpful advice - I am very grateful and have taken it all on board.

My OH is a perfectionist in everything he does, wallpapering, painting, car polishing, loading the dishwasher, gardening etc. He is now semi retired and when I say I can’t be bothered to cook he says “I would but you never let me.”

On occasions and many years ago I have let him, after giving birth or having ops etc but it is really just a waste of good food and I can’t bear that. Half cooked potatoes, overcooked meat, mushy veg and cold plates!

So now I tell him that I would rather do it myself than have a poor meal cooked by him so that’s how we muddle through. He has his jobs and I have mine! 😉

Fleurpepper

I did check with my husband and he doesn't feel like I am playing games and thinks we have good communication so it's all good

Maybe it sounds weird because it's not something I would normally need to put into words..

We just do take on tasks each of us is better at and maybe there is an element of actually enjoying those tasks a bit more if we are good at them if that makes sense

I definitely enjoy his cooking more than mine lol

Grammar School and Med School- he had so much studying to do, and travelling to and from from London to Surrey- that he never had to do any chores any more. And same when we got married. Not because he is a man, but because he simply would not have had any time at all to do anything else but his job

You say that Fleurpepper but what about women in the same profession? Like my sister in law who retired recently as a GP- she too worked all the hours God gave her as a young hospital doctor and then 6 days a week as a GP plus night calls and one weekend a month - and then had to do all the same as a single parent.
No, it’s to do with the attitudes of the previous generation to being a man, and to domestic responsibilities.

It seems to be a common complaint. My ex used to do things like that, it's just a way of getting out of helping. He used to half do tasks and the laugh when I mentioned, either they hadn't been done properly or possibly not at all. It was usually when he was on shore leave and I was working. He worked offshore in the oil industry and was at home for maybe 2 weeks at a time.

Gwenisgreat1

My DH will not do anything he can not do perfectly, and that limits him in what he will do. I end up doing so many jobs, some perfectly some not, just because they have to be done - an absolute pain! His mother did pretty well everything for. him!

And that is exactly what Gaga said in post 2- perhaps unconsciously very very deliberate, lol.

Don't worry VS- he is a good bloke, and I wouldn't swap him for anyone. But as said, all his life he has worked so hard and such long hours- even though I also worked full time- I ended up doing it all, DIY, gardening, repairs, children... but I did have an excellent cleaner always.

I find it patronising and 'playing games when people say 'oh play to his strengths, let him do little things when it does not matter if they are done well, etc. Very lucky though that his mother taught him to iron and do all sorts- but once he went to Grammar School and Med School- he had so much studying to do, and travelling to and from from London to Surrey- that he never had to do any chores any more. And same when we got married. Not because he is a man, but because he simply would not have had any time at all to do anything else but his job.

We are both retired now- and it would be nice if he noticed that something needs doing, and pick up the hoover, or tidy up- without being asked. That's all. We are all different indeed- but it can be a jolly good excuse to hide behind, for sure.

Definitely learn to ‘let it go’. Also, how long have you been together? You mentioned that you were later into this relationship having lived alone. I am tardy, DH is punctual. I am extremely tidy, he was messy. I’ve the years we have met in the middle much more. He is significantly tidier than he used to be, I am more relaxed and have realised that the world is not going to end if there are a few things not put away.

I am also a perfectionist, he is not. I have had some periods of ill health which have meant I have had to rely on him. Food shopping was an interesting experience! He ‘substituted’ / misunderstood things on the list. I breathed deeply and let it go. I have learned that my way is not the ‘right way’, we all have different ways of doing things. I have also learned to appreciate that I am lucky to have a husband who tries to pull his weight and help as much as he can. We have enough soy sauce to last till the end of time (one of his shopping mistakes) but it’s not the end of the world and as soon as I think he will tolerate it, it will become an amusing story. Good luck!

We are different for sure, I’m not good at housework, what I leave he will do without comment, in the garden he does around 2/3 the way he wants, I do the rest how I want, we do help each other when needed. Cooking, he does the basics well, I’m more adventurous .

There is no need to hassle each other just accept they are different

I don’t think he’s playing games he obviously doesn’t have the high standards or interest that you have
I actually feel sorry for the bloke he’s trying isn’t he ? Many’ don’t try at all he can’t do right for doing wrong can he
You have different standards to him you were on your own a long time so got into your own ways of doing things and now youre blooming lucky he even tries
Stop being so picky and either finish the job to your standard and be thankful threequarters has been done for you
So what if you have to make sure there’s no eyes on the potatoes the blokes done 98 % of the job
Stop seeing him as useless because his standards or ability is nt as good as yours be happy you have a chap who se willing to have a go

Can’t imagine how difficult it is to live with someone who sees everything you do as not quite good enough ….very under mining.

My husband was doted on growing up and had an older sister to attend to his needs. Now retired and limited mobility, he does nothing to help me. After getting frustrated at his lack of thought, I am lucky if he makes me a drink twice a week. And if he does any washing up of say a few mugs and plates, they still have stains left. My daughter says that I have brought this on myself by indulging him for years. I am told I am so lucky as I have reasonably good health!

It's such a shame that so many women, while expected to work now (stay at home mothers get all sorts of harassment) or finding it necessary ro work now, have no help from partners.

We have to change this surely, we have our own lives and interests too amd deserve time.for ourselves

I don’t ask. Why should I? He shares the home with me. His standards are not as high. He chops the logs, lights the fire, deals with our online joint account, shops/cooks occasionally, dusts any cobwebs I can’t reach. It’s not an ideal situation as I do everything else, but he wouldn’t do anything to my satisfaction (probably deliberately). 😔

My husband was /is useless ….his ‘uselessness’ encompassed house/car and garden. He did his job , came home , and did nothing! He’s in full time care now ((Alzheimer’s)….and loves it…. gets same waiting on as he did at home, but without me nagging!! And I’m still doing everything !! And as Paperbackwriter says why are talking about husbands ‘helping’ ….although having said that ….my husband would even call it ‘babysitting g’ when looking after our own kids while I walked to the shops to do /carry a weeks shopping!! In fact compared to mine you all sound blessed.

My DH will not do anything he can not do perfectly, and that limits him in what he will do. I end up doing so many jobs, some perfectly some not, just because they have to be done - an absolute pain! His mother did pretty well everything for. him!

I sympathise with you OP. We married very young. My husband worked all day and studied all evenings and weekends so I (also working full time) did everything around the house and garden. I then was a SAH mum and his job was all encompassing so nothing changed. He now sees to all our finances and I still run the physical aspects of our home. He honestly has no idea of which is the washing machine and which the tumble dryer but we're too set in our ways to change now!

Get a cleaner in maturefloosy. No more negotiations, no more trying to communicate, no more lowering of standards, just a clean house done to a professional standard. And better still, make him pay for the 3 hours a week.

paperbackwriter its because I have more interesting things to do other than housework and cooking that I was seeking advice from Gransnet - - without dropping my standards that I live by,

My late partner didn’t do any household tasks as a rule and only attempted any in order to show me THE RIGHT WAY YO DO IT. eg. Making up a bed with fresh linen. It could take him a couple of hours but , as he mansplained, at least it was done properly . 🙄

Again Fleurpepper (and I'm sorry you had to deal with that) I'm not playing games, I'm communicating

What's the point in being unhappy when you can just make your expectations clear

I'm not playing games or manipulating the situation, I am making my expectations clear

I also work more hours so will often say "can you get the bedding washed today if you have time" because I prefer it washed more often than he does. Simple

When he worked more hours I did more but jobs that need doing when both are home are split equally

I am not his mother

Perhaps he could do things that interest him?

For example, I hate to shop - my husband shops for food, furniture, appliances, computers, kitchenware, bedding, windowcover - all the boring bits. Perhaps a division of labour in that way?

Learned helplessness, controlling behaviour, passive aggression? Or am I being unfair? Maybe he's just a klutz... I know I am. As for the concept of "helping", that rather assumes that all the tasks that you mention are your primary responsibility. That's not how it works in our house. We share what needs doing, although he does usually defer to me where most of the cooking is concerned. Nevertheless, he still makes a mean curry/chilli/spag bol.

'playing'

VioletSky

Play to his strengths and ask him to do things he does do well

Tasks like hoovering, you can't hoover and achieve nothing so take it in turns

Tasks he doesn't notice... "can you do some weeding please"

Give him choices "would you rather A or B?"

This is what I call 'laying games'

Honestly, his job took him every hour of the day and night, and weekends too. And he was very good at it. So, despite the fact I went back to Uni when youngest started school, and later worked full time myself- I still did everything, from gardening, to decorating, and everything to do with children, and fetching, taking, being the family taxi, etc, etc. I did have a cleaner once a week, that really helped.

So when he retired, he took up all the hobbies he never was able to before- and the rest is still my job. Not because I am a woman, and was the mother- but because those things have never ever been part of his life since he went to Uni.

He is a good man, and not sexist at all- he just does not see what needs to be done. Does not think of changing sheets or towels- it's always been done for him- for all the good reasons that he just didn't have time. I hate having to ask...

Yes I was always brought up if a job is worth doing it’s worth doing right. But you got two choices let him get on with it or divorce then you can do till your heart is content lol

It’s called strategic incompetence. Am I the only wife who cleans up man-pee from lavatories 3 times a day? I also clean up tea stains around the kettle, a filthy wash basin every morning. He ignores me when I complain. Recently I had a hip replacement and he did everything for me, so I am grateful. Now I can take on the cleaning again I’m horrified by the state of the kitchen sink, the refrigerator, the cupboard fronts in the kitchen. There appears to be no help but to grin and bear it as I cannot find a cleaner.