Boundaries and one on one time with adult son.

I think all of us see our adult children on their own occasionally. In our case one of our sons drops in (with the children actually) if his wife is working at a weekend... one daughter isn't working at the moment and sometimes pops in with her little one when her husband is at work.

The odd thing here (at least some of us think) is the dinner invite to celebrate a birthday without his most significant other.

Regarding your comment above, Violet - this is the clue:

if I invited my child out for a meal and they wanted to bring their partner I wouldn't mind at all...

- no of course you wouldn't! because that would be unreasonable!

Argh but no, I still don't see a problem with inviting just your child out for a meal

I had a rubbish relationship with my mum but my friends relationship is lovely. She is married with children but goes out just her and her mum and they even occasionally go on holiday together.

I go out with just one friend on occasion just to spend time together

I'm just not getting it

But I'm flexible, if I invited my child out for a meal and they wanted to bring their partner I wouldn't mind at all...

I thought it was a cafe?

I gave up trying to keep up with gransnet on work days

But my point is, why does it matter if DIL is there or not when it comes to seeing your child, just send open invites and see who turns up and have a great time

If people want to have a chat with just their child phonecalls and video calls still exist
But that’s not what this is about VS it’s about the poster booking a restaurant meal for just one and leaving the other at home alone and surely that’s rude
It’s not about a casual meet-up for a coffee or a chat or a girls shopping trip It’s about a more formal ‘ treat’ a booking that gives out the message to the daughter in law that you are not invited you are not part of this
Whilst my ex used to visit his mum on his own , if they had booked a restaurant pre birthday meal and left me at home I d find that hurtful and think something was afoot

I don't understand why this is a massive thing and has become so polar opposite

Sometimes I see my eldest sons alone, sometimes not but I don't really mind, I just like seeing them

If people want to have a chat with just their child phonecalls and video calls still exist

Also I quite like my future DILs

Of course you must invite his wife!
I wouldn’t dream of not .

I was thrilled when my DH visited my MiL on his own. She was a nightmare. At least it seems your DiL likes you!

There’s nothing at all strange in a son (or daughter for that matter) having one to one with a parent a coffee and call round to the house for a meal on the way home from work, an informal meet up

There IS something strange about booking a restaurant meal for one and not both I wouldn’t dream of taking a son or daughter out to a restaurant meal and leave the spouse at home (although I can’t cos he’s in NZ and I only see him once in a blue moon) and he wouldn’t come and leave her behind anyway

Some people perpetuate this ridiculous stereotype that its ok for a mother/daughter get together but weird and undermining a marriage if its a mother/son event, how very patronising

Not ridiculous, not weird, not patronising, just a different point of view.
No-one mentioned undermining a marriage did they?

It's just that not everyone agrees with you, which is allowed, I think.

Presumably the sons have some say in whether or not mummy gets alone time with them. I guess it’s easier to imagine the pushy DIL who doesn’t give her husband a minute to breathe alone than it is to imagine that these men genuinely view themselves as a package deal with their wives. Interesting.

In this instance just go with it as it's a special occasion. But I'm with you, OP. After all, he is your son. You should be able to spend time alone with him whether he's married or not. Just because we have partners doesn't mean we are joined at the hip. I'd give my eye teeth to spend more time with my son without his partner, lovely though she is. We share a sense of humour as well as everything else and when we do, rarely spend time alone it's great fun. I always used to encourage DH to see his Mum on his own as I knew she'd appreciate it. Can't understand why more DILs don't appreciate this.

I would consider that if your son wanted to have dinner wit just yourself he wouldn’t have invited his wife to come. Perhaps consider that. I do find the whole notion of longing for alone time with one’s grown kids strange , and not something I’ve personally experienced.

The OP can want what she wants. The husband and wife clearly feel they are a package deal, since the son hasn’t objected to his wife’s presence at the upcoming dinner. At this point in their lives, their relationship with each others takes precedence over all others. OP should be polite and go to dinner with her son and his wife without mentioning separating them.

See ,that annoys me inishowen .Are you saying that because you're in a relationship you cant be in a different kind of relationship/friendship with other people ?
I think that is very odd I've stayed friends with men I worked with 50 years ago and if they are in our area we'll meet for lunch and have a laugh about the place we worked in.
Would you suggest my OH should be there even though he didn't know me then or the place and people I worked with?

I still say the OP should be able to have a couple of hours with her son to celebrate his brthday which is a big event for her too .Without the package who weren't even a speck in the sky then

I wouldn't expect my son to go out with me without his wife and children. He comes as a package now and I love that he's part of a family.

OP, unless you are privy to the details of your DIL’s outings with her parents, as in you know for a fact they don’t extend invitations to your son, I don’t think that information is relevant. It’s rude to schedule a dinner and expect a married person to know their spouse is excluded. The uproar if someone did the same with an “older” couple would be palpable.

We don’t have other family and don’t see dd regularly so it doesn’t happen often.
Lunch once in a while for an hour or two and if her dh is working it’s really nice to spend time just with her.

Hithere

OP

How often do you meet your son 1:1 for a meal without his wife?

Probably two or three times a year, Hithere.

I have hardly seen in him in ages so thought it was a nice idea and a chance to catch up.

Generally go out as a threesome or more if my other kids and their partners can make it.

Argh. One on one

So, it seems that you regularly see your son one one one while your DIL is out with her own parents.

I suspect a bit of crossed wires. DIL probably thought it was a birthday dinner for her DH, and assumed she was invited. Yes, even though it’s not on his birthday and there’s another event planned.

I would think, if your son didn’t want his wife along, he’d have told her so.

Silvergirl

If my mother-in-law decided to take my husband out for dinner as his birthday was coming up I would be delighted and hope they had a lovely evening. I really don’t see anything wrong with it. Life doesn’t need to be complicated.

Spot on Silvergirl.

Norah

OP I asked him if we could have dinner at a local restaurant, its his birthday on the weekend so I thought it'd be nice.

They've planned an afternoon gathering with family and friends to celebrate, and while I'm happy to have been invited and will be going along these events are always hectic.

I thought it'd be nice just to share a meal together but his wife has invited herself along.

The dinner isn't on this birthday weekend it was just a weeknight meal at a local cafe. Didn't explain myself too well.

- first who invites herself - that's rude.

- second it's not the day of the family party, why can't OP take her son to dinner on a different day to the party?

- third I must not be the only one who does with married daughters, my husband does things with our sonsIL as well.

What is wrong with this picture? I adore our daughters as does my husband, of course people adore their sons. Gracious!

Norah you are spot on!_I thought it was rude to invite herself_ and this is why I mentioned boundaries.

This invite was a low key meal before the crazy, hectic weekend birthday party.

And since when did it become offensive to share a meal with a family member without their spouse?

They are a very busy couple, always out and about doing work/social stuff or as you’d expect spending time with their network of friends and family.

DIL regularly takes her parent/s out without her husband, my son, tagging along. He’s generally happy for her to go and for him to have a break or catch up his mates/family.

My gripe was that she invited herself, I thought that was rude. Dinner was meant to be a low key outing not a birthday dinner!

Paddyann54,Dee1012, Ailidh thank you.

Some people perpetuate this ridiculous stereotype that its ok for a mother/daughter get together but weird and undermining a marriage if its a mother/son event, how very patronising.

I have 2 sons and wouldn't dream of inviting them out on their own - I think the world of their partners and am as pleased to see them as I am to see my sons. Similarly, I would have found it strange if my MIL invited my husband out for a meal without me. It just seems rude.

Silvergirl

If my mother-in-law decided to take my husband out for dinner as his birthday was coming up I would be delighted and hope they had a lovely evening. I really don’t see anything wrong with it. Life doesn’t need to be complicated.

I agree.

I would have been shocked if DMiL had invited her DS without me in the early years of our marriage, however towards the end of his life, DH had lunch with his parents once a week. He would eat meat with them. I am vegetarian and none of them are so it was easy to see it as a chance for him to eat meat but really they all enjoyed being in the roles they were in before their darling boy married and had children!

Sadly, both his DP outlived him.