Boundaries and one on one time with adult son.

OP has explained that it wasn't The Birthday Celebration, that's at the weekend, but a one on one with her son in the week leading up to it.

I can see both sides but I do empathise with a mum wanting a catch up with her son.

I wouldn’t ever think of deliberately inviting a child without their partner. It works out that I sometimes do see children and their partners separately,as I share interests with them all, but I don’t think I’d ever plan an outing which excluded a partner, and certainly not a birthday celebration.

How ridiculous that any man would be labelled a "mummy's boy" because he likes to spend time with his mum

No, the relevance is that his Mum thinks it us OK to exclude her DIL from a dinner to celebrate his birthday.

My late DH was a treasured only child and would call in to see his parents if he was working near by and that was such a bonus for them, to have him to themselves for a little. It never occurred to me to think other than that it demonstrated what a loving son he was. But anything more formal would always involve both of us and, where possible, the children too. I think Dorrain is creating a problem where there isn’t one. As Monica points out, our place is the pecking order has to change as new people come into our children’s lives.

How ridiculous that any man would be labelled a "mummy's boy" because he likes to spend time with his mum! No wonder there are so many anti DIL and MIL posts if thats how the majority of you think .
Being a mother is a lifelong experience whether its a daughter or a son ,I certainly see my son a lot ,often with his daughters sometimes on his own.His partner spends time with her sisters and her mum, often has weekends away with them FOR BIRTHDAYS etc .
Anyone ,wife or not who thinks a man spending time with the woman who gave birth to him is a mummy's boy needs to give her head a wee wobble .Who more special to spend a couple of hours with to celebrate his birthday than the only other person involved in the birth .
Sometimes I think I live on a different planet from most of the grans on here !

I don't think there is anything weird or wrong about spending time with AC without their partner. I sometimes take one of my children out alone (obviously making sure this is fair to all)

But I also don't think it should be a problem if the partner tags along...

So I would just not worry about it too much unless there was a reason to worry and there were signs your son doesn't want to be alone with you

Popping over the house solo to see one’s parents while the spouse is busy with other things is NOT the same as a parent inviting their son/daughter to a celebratory dinner while excluding their offspring’s spouse. Let’s not pretend they are. One scenario is intentionally exclusionary. I don’t find that sweet or innocent. OP, go with the flow. This has the potential to cause upset. You know it or you wouldn’t have posted about it.

I am another who considers the OP unreasonable. Now DS is married with children we go and see them all and they all come to us.

I usually find that DS and I do have time together, just in the everyday actions of life, chat together as we walk up to collect DD from dancing, or do the washing up, or whatever.

Now your son is married/has a long term partner, you are second in his life - and if their are grandchildren, third, fourth or fifth. That's life.

But I think some of you are missing the point This wasn’t just a casual meet up for a coffee and catch up
It was a restaurant meal for his birthday

I wouldn’t expect that for a married son or daughter to take them to a restaurant celebration without their partner although I might definitely meet up for a coffee if nearby them daughter or son

Norah

NanaDana

Why would anyone want to invite their Son out for dinner, yet not include his wife? Sorry, but this just doesn't make sense to me. Certainly if I was the wife on the receiving end of this, I'd be wondering what I'd done wrong. When your Son married, your relationship with him as an individual changed forever, and must now positively encompass his chosen partner. Sorry, but any attempt on your part to exclude or limit his wife's presence in your ongoing social life will only cause problems and resentment. Do please think again.

Quite interesting.

Do Mum's relationships to daughters change at marriage?

Only speaking for myself, Nora, as always, but my relationship with my Daughter actually deepened when she became both a wife and a Mother, as those were roles that we could both share and closely relate to. So yes, that relationship changed forever too, but differently. We've always been very close, but seem even closer now, and yes, we often get together for coffee or lunch, without SIL. That seems perfectly normal.. cultural norms, I guess, shared by many of my friends too. An interesting comparison.

Illogical I know but it seems much easier for Mum and Daughter to meet for a coffee or lunch doesn’t it?
Alternatively, if son wanted to take Mum out to lunch or dinner, that’s fine too.
Bottom line for me is that OP seems to see nothing untoward in not including her DIL, while most of us do.
Unless Mum wants to discuss family business, or should something personal, such an invitation has undertones of Mum and a “Mummy’s boy” or indicative of a fragile MIL DIL relationship.

NanaDana

Why would anyone want to invite their Son out for dinner, yet not include his wife? Sorry, but this just doesn't make sense to me. Certainly if I was the wife on the receiving end of this, I'd be wondering what I'd done wrong. When your Son married, your relationship with him as an individual changed forever, and must now positively encompass his chosen partner. Sorry, but any attempt on your part to exclude or limit his wife's presence in your ongoing social life will only cause problems and resentment. Do please think again.

Quite interesting.

Do Mum's relationships to daughters change at marriage?

I have 4 grandchildren as well in terms of getting time alone with DS.

But oh it is so precious when it happens.
He came down briefly to help out when I needed someone post op for just a few hours; rare he could, but it was OK as on a Sunday:

if I'm seeing them and DS is taking a kid out on his own I'll join them in order to get DS time....

arrangements with them both in incredibly busy lives is that mainly he deals with me on tricky matters and negotiations - its a matter of grabbing small opportunities.....

I wouldn't dream of suggesting an evening out just with him. the have so little time alone together.

But....my DiL has more "me time" with her mum. there is no getting around it, on the whole, not exclusively of course but on the whole, DD's are closer to mum than DS's.

I've been married twice and had no problems with DH's on them having time with their mums, btw.....as long as it was sort of for a cuppa or similar. But everyone is different and it was rare.

A meal out alone..mmm, not sure, it would have depended at any point on how much time I was getting with my DH alone.

Go with the flow, perhaps it never even occurred to his partner that she wasn't included in the invitation.

We do sometimes see our son without his partner if she is off doing something on her own, but would never exclude her from an invitation.

Why would anyone want to invite their Son out for dinner, yet not include his wife? Sorry, but this just doesn't make sense to me. Certainly if I was the wife on the receiving end of this, I'd be wondering what I'd done wrong. When your Son married, your relationship with him as an individual changed forever, and must now positively encompass his chosen partner. Sorry, but any attempt on your part to exclude or limit his wife's presence in your ongoing social life will only cause problems and resentment. Do please think again.

I rarely have one to one time with our son since he married , when he first moved out he would pop over occasionally. It seems to happen once sons take a wife although daughters will have shopping trips and other outings with their mother's and that's not deemed as odd .
I'd love more solo time with my son , lunch or drinks but they come as a couple and Al though my DIL is lovely , conversation seems to always be about her and her family .
It's just the way it is . I wouldn't invite him out without his wife but I do understand what you mean .
Maybe if you could find out if or when she might not be free , you could casually and very informally suggest a meet up for a coffee 😉

I occasionally see one or some of our daughters without their husbands. How is this different? Assuming love is same for sons and daughters.

paddyann54

My OH used to visit his mum alone and take her for dinner now and then I didn't think it was a problem and I loved my MIL dearly .I think sometimes it was good for them,just the two of them to share memories of his childhood and his late dad and grandparents I never knew
In fact I used to encourage it as I knew he was her golden boy and she loved having an hour or two with him even just lunch and a wander round a garden centre .I know she loved me and appreciated me and I spent time alone with her too so I dont see this as a problem .
Only the OP knows how it might be received by her DIL so no one here can give her an answer

I'm struggling to see a problem too.

I see my son and his partner on a regular basis and we share some social occasions together.
However, a few times a year I will go for a meal with him, we'll go to an event together (we share similar tastes musically and his partner doesn't like the same things).
Likewise, I do the same with his partner.

For me it's really lovely to just spend time with him and to chat about the past, share memories etc without any intention of pushing his partner away and when I am with her alone - we have a good old 'girly' time, also really nice as I never had a daughter.

My OH used to visit his mum alone and take her for dinner now and then I didn't think it was a problem and I loved my MIL dearly .I think sometimes it was good for them,just the two of them to share memories of his childhood and his late dad and grandparents I never knew
In fact I used to encourage it as I knew he was her golden boy and she loved having an hour or two with him even just lunch and a wander round a garden centre .I know she loved me and appreciated me and I spent time alone with her too so I dont see this as a problem .
Only the OP knows how it might be received by her DIL so no one here can give her an answer

Just realised that my husband and I are going to be going out for dinner this week with his mother for my husband's birthday.
She asked us both.

Sorry Dorrain - no, no, no, - this is way out of order.

Having a meal out with just your son without his wife is, frankly, odd.
Please welcome his wife into your life. Don't forget he has chosen her and she is the person who most makes him happy (we hope).

A birthday "dinner at a local restaurant" because his birthday is at the weekend is surely somethinghe would want to do with his wife? If they are both coming to your meal then be happy. They are giving you a chance to have a more intimate time than the "celebration" that they are also including you in.

You will best keep your relationship with your son by loving his wife, I think.

I often meet up with dd for a chat at the coffee shop. Her dh is usually at work and probably not interested in our chat. He also often meets up with his dad at football. I think low key meets like this are good. However, inviting one out for dinner without the other is just not on.

I find this a very strange thing to want to do 🤔

Mind you, I have been out with DIL and her Mum when DS has been at work. I hope he doesn't feel left out.

Dorrain

Dorrain

My question is about spending time with my adult son without his partner. I asked him if we could have dinner at a local restaurant, its his birthday on the weekend so I thought it'd be nice.

They've planned an afternoon gathering with family and friends to celebrate, and while I'm happy to have been invited and will be going along these events are always hectic.

I thought it'd be nice just to share a meal together but his wife has invited herself along.

I don't know whether to speak with him about just the two of use meeting or just go with the flow?

The dinner isn't on this birthday weekend it was just a weeknight meal at a local cafe. Didn't explain myself too well.

I dont think there was anything wrong with you anticipating a low key outing with just your son dorrain.

Perhaps the invite 'got lost in translation'.

Probably best to carry on with the new arrangement, sweetly, without saying anything

Frankly, if we play the counter argument, and say a male partner invited themselves along to his female partners lunch date, there would be an outcry!🤣

I can understand that you wish to spend special time with your son but I think that if you push this idea you might risk offending his partner.. have a coffee as others have suggested