Finding contentment

I felt like this when I retired, happily divorced and alone Mum and dad both passed away same year as my retirement which I wasn’t prepared for , the grandkids were growing and not needing much, youngest child and middle child and five grandkids all living overseas only two grandkids lived near me
I lost my oomph although I had friends and hobbies but what use was I ? I d spent my life being useful to someone now I had no aim
Then I found the charity shop I have been working at for nearly 9 years now…. It’s busy, I m very useful I chat with customers and work with a great bunch of fellow volunteers everyone from early twenties to eighties and even some young Duke of Edinburgh youngsters from time to time We have loads of laughs, plenty of wiping foreheads I do about 21 hours a week but that’s entirely up to me I could do 3 or 33 I love dressing the windows sorting, pricing, hanging, helping and keeping it all up to date and fresh and every day is different When I couldn’t go in earlier this year though a few operations I felt lost and returned the first moment I could
If you don’t fancy a shop what about reading with kids in schools, helping in food banks putting people at ease in hospitals, looking after animals the list is endless
You can try different things until you find the one for you
But being useful to others is the greatest way to boost your confidence, your feel good factor, and you soon find your oomph
Good luck lippyqueen

Do you have a local U3A group? We have just joined ours and they have lots of different interest groups going on. Just joined the walking group.
How about a Campervan if you are that way inclined? We go go in ours all the time and combine walking and visiting new places. Great fun!
Also learn lots of new things, we are doing French at the moment. So much to enjoy in our third age!
Hope you find something that makes you happy.

If you are interested in crafting, I would say get on Youtube and learn a new skill or two. I do get what you are saying about a sense of purpose. I had that same feeling during my cancer recovery last year. During the 10 weeks in hospital, I had plenty of time to think and I felt that even though I would be going back to living on my own (children & grandchildren all grown up), my crafting gave me a sense of purpose and a reason to get up each day. I just couldn't wait to go home and get back to my tatting and bagmaking and I get so much pleasure when I gift my makes to family and friends.

Is it necessary to be "of use"?
Is there nothing you enjoy doing, just because you enjoy it?

When talking about the loss of your dear dog I think you’ve answered your own question. We had to say goodbye to our beautiful boy just six weeks ago and I’m totally lost. He gave me a real sense of purpose and has left a huge void which I’m finding hard to fill. Like you, of course I’d consider getting another dog one day but certainly not yet. All too raw. I do hope that it won’t be long before you find it within your heart to allow another dog in, as I feel sure this will be a huge help to you.…Good luck with your quest to find fulfilment Lippyqueen...xx

Many people do not realize when someone is having difficulty in life, reminders on how good you have it, only makes ones feel worse through guilt. You know the majority of humans probably have it worse. This only creates feelings of unworthiness. So, to get to the point. We all have a journey in life and yours has value on this planet. Aging can cause a feeling of uncontentment. I suggest, dear lady, you do speak to your doctor about your struggle. It is a very common feeling. Perhaps counselling will help. There are many practical books which can help. Research on the internet too. I have good and bad days and can relate to your conundrum. State of mind to feel contentment is a learning process and perfectly normal, but, takes work. Ugh. Live by the hour if you must. Mindfulness. Doing things for yourself which bring joy. Whatever you have a faith or not, maybe spirituality can help. No offense to Christians here, I think Zen practices may be something to look into. You are a good woman and you are stronger than you know. We are women, hear us roar!!! I really feel for you dear lady. Here is a book you may be interest in: www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/product/9781592407477-item.html?epik=dj0yJnU9VE5zeWo3ZzFmcWpuQmJqbDBPdkQzMVNSeFgyaTUzU0ImcD0wJm49YTZCYkNkYkZQZEdCLVJrM2hETmxPQSZ0PUFBQUFBR1JGUXhN

There is much on the internet to give you help in your journey. For me, I concentrate on the wonders of nature. The universe. Our planet. Also, look into articles on looking after yourself at your point of age. Wishing you peace. You are beautiful.

I think your just looking for something different,interesting,
exciting ? Maybe try a genealogy project or go back to a hobby you once had——-I have 4 children & 7 grandchildren & have made each one a photo album from their birth including some of their art,ribbons cut outs from newspapers etc.copies of
family photos,took ages.My children were amazed & very touched,the GC’s still a work in progress they will get them when I’m no longer here,just an idea for you——-maybe start a new group with a common interest,I did and it’s been brilliant
met different amazing people.Could you plan a trip to Australia to visit family and do a bit of a tour.Or plan a trip to somewhere closer that you have always wanted to see,do research on line for places to stay—-maybe sign on for a course on line,hope this helps,good luck.

I know exactly how you mean lippyqueen and felt sooo bad all winter. I lost a precious dog last autumn & 2 lovely friends but my h/b is 2 yrs younger than me and still at work so quite happy, my kids live miles away and I don't like to ring/visit that often. I was so low but was wary of doing too much voluntary work cos I have a disability & get tired and have done caring jobs all my life and don't want to do anymore. So I volunteered at a local historic house as finding out the history feeds my brain, which is very necessary for me, I also joined the art club which is very active with retired people, I've drawn on and off all my life & decided to get better & that is really nice to do. I know that poem is nice & well meaning, but we are in the privileged position of having it all and being able to do other things and it wouldn't have helped me move forward. I suspect I might have a tendency to depression so am going to make myself a 'care plan' to avoid this next winter when country house is closed. I'm going to have a little online antiques business & maybe do a few fairs which I'll have to ask my husband to help with. I wish you well in your future

NanaDana

Finding contentment? Here's one I wrote earlier..

The more I look around this world, the suffering I see,
I count my blessings living here, I hope you all agree,
Though no-where’s perfect, where we live is such a special place,
I’ll mention some advantages to help me make my case.
The first that comes to mind is that this morning I awoke,
A privilege to still be here, denied to many folk..
And although my health’s not brilliant, I’ve Doctors treating me,
And I’m living in a country where that treatment’s all for free.
I have a roof above my head, clean water from a tap,
I can always turn the heating up to fend off that cold snap.
And although I’ve never bought my clothes from shops in Saville Row,
I’ve plenty stuff that I can wear, though it’s no fashion show.
Yes, I’ve known hunger as a child, though never known starvation,
Which takes so many third world lives, a shame on every Nation.
I feel so guilty when I know these days I over-eat,
With children crying out for food, and dying on the street.
Our day’s not just a struggle, to manage to survive,
We’ve leisure time when I reflect it’s good to be alive.
Enjoying simple pleasures, Nature’s beauty all around,
Even sparrows in our garden as they feed there on the ground,
Bring a smile as I sit watching, now I have the time and place,
And our home is somewhere comforting, where we have our own space.
I won’t get into politics, although it seems to me,
The system may be flawed sometimes, but basically, we’re free.
And yes, there are some people here, whose aims are all perverted,
So we have to keep an eye out, and see we’re not diverted,
From defending precious freedoms which we’ve built up over years,
Continuing to live our lives, and not give in to fears,
As despite their worst intentions, this is still a peaceful land,
No war-torn cities, civil strife, where hateful flames are fanned.
Here family and friends are close, to lend us that support,
That carries us through troubled times, those battles that are fought,
When even in our pleasant lives, we hit inclement weather,
With those we love we press ahead, and ride those storms together.
So though we do complain sometimes, and end up disenchanted,
I’m counting all my blessings, and I won’t take them for granted…

What a lovely person you are. Your poem is wonderful. Thank you for sharing

biglouis

I can never understand this motivation of having to be "useful" to others. When you pass/approach retirement age you have already done your duty to the community through your years of work (whether in the home or for an employer) and the taxes you paid. Time to think about doing your duty to yourself and making your own life easier.

You should do whatever makes you happy and do it without guilt. If that includes volunteering, babysitting. travelling or taking up a new hobby then whatever floats your boat.

I totally agree with you. This is your time. Our lives are short. We have to work to support ourselves and our family for the majority of it. I feel a sense of relief now. My family are able to support themselves now. I live alone. I am.not rich in monetary terms but I am grateful for relatively good health good family and friends. I walk daily listening to my music and I am content and happier than ever. Each day is a blessing and I start every day thanking God for my good fortune .Be grateful for everything you have and don't chase the things you don't have is my motto and it has served me well. Pat yourself on the back for everything you have achieved in life and don't put pressure on yourself so much.
Good luck.

Mum always said 'Make yourself useful!' - especially to any 'I'm bored' complaints - but, really, there's no obligation to be 'useful' in any way. Why should I?

I've done my duty, worked really hard in the past, so now, perhaps, I'll be self-indulgent. I have worth for just being who I am, not just for what I do for others. My contentment can come from indulging in hobbies, reading a book, going for a nice long walk - or just watching a film. I don't need a 'helper' role to feel complete.

If you miss the grandchildren why don’t you volunteer at the local infant school/ playgroup.It’s very rewarding and you will
be welcomed with open arms!

NanaDana I have just read your poem. Such a wonderful insightful and truly thoughtful poem. Every word is true. Lippyqueen I hope you find contentment in "old age". I am now retired and thoroughly enjoying my "me time". It was alien at first but all of my family, including GC are grown up and independent, they all say now is the time for me. Enjoy your time in whatever way you please and have fun , life is short. Wishing you well for your future adventures

Two suggestions: You could become a puppy raiser for guide dogs. They pay all costs and you look after the pup for a year while it is trained and then give it up.
www.guidedogs.org.uk/how-you-can-help/volunteering-for-guide-dogs/volunteer-role-descriptions/puppy-raiser

or

www.guidedogs.org.uk/how-you-can-help/

The second is tai chi. A good class with good leader will help you focus on the feelings. The movements are calming, good for balance, can be done in the park in summer and can be a meditation exercise too.

What use am I at my age

I think we all know the feeling, at least at times, but don't give in to it.

We live in a world that does not respect old age, but makes a problem of it, but we don't need to give in to this, although, of course we can't change our society's attitudes very easily, if at all.

Turn it round: ask youself, what have I already done that was useful? Your post Lippyqueen answers the question very satisfactorily.

You have two adult children and four grandchildren, and you are on good terms with them, even although your one son is so far away. You survived widowhood and have re-married and are happy with your second husband.

None of all this fell down from heaven into your lap, did it? You worked through the hard times and through the good times. I imagine you have held down a job as well, again satisfactorily, until you reached retirement age.

Allow yourself to feel proud of all this.

If I may make a suggestion, phone a little less often to your sons and their families. They are busy, and you quite rightly don't want to seem needy. If you phone less often, you will have more to talk about.

I have come to terms with my son being busy and not "needing" me - he is after all an adult. He texts or phones about once a month, or we text him. If anything goes wrong, we are the first he phones to talk things over.

You and your husband do things together, Enjoy this - none of us know how long we can travel - Covid showed us that, didn't it?

I think we need to accept that life changes pace, or if you like, gear with each decade and try to focus on what we have and are now.

If the feeling of "uselessness" persists, then re-double your attempts to find something to occupy a little of your time on a regular basis, outside your home.

Have you discussed any of these thoughts with your husband? Yours sounds the kind of marriage where you could do so - he may be keeping similar thoughts to himself. Perhaps you could find a common activity to fill some of your time with?

NanaDana....Such a thoughtful and thought-provoking poem

You’re still “suffering” from the “empty nest” syndrome. In fact, you are living the exact opposite - your cup runneth over.

I hope when you realize how fortunate you are (health, marriage, financial (?), friends) your outlook should snap into place - “I have earned this time for myself, I deserve it.”

If financially feasible and a willing partner, traveling abroad will open new vistas, cultures. If volunteering is not for you - don’t. A pet will definitely give you a sense of purpose - they’re totally dependent on you and will love you to pieces. Take a course at your local college (that may mix you with younger people.) Go get a part time *paying job*… reception work, hostessing, cashiering, flower shop, bakery… whatever your interest.

Good luck. Make the most Enjoy every minute. Each day is the beginning of the rest of your life.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

lippyqueen , I know we are all different but I find I get contentment from helping other people. That sounds horribly goody goody but that’s not how I feel. I love being with friends, out with family, exploring new things from my grandchildren and feel a real excitement being with them and happiness during and after meet ups.
True contentment for me comes from charity, street collections, rattling tins and chatting to people, being a volunteer in a charity shop, keeping an eye on people less able than me both older and younger. If I see a charity looking for volunteers sometimes as a one off I will sign up. This all keeps me busy and happy. I still have plenty of time for long lunches with friends, days out and all sorts of lovely sociable things.
It does sound as if you have quite a cosy but exclusive life, happy settled families, lovely husband and able to have outings and holidays. Perhaps looking outwards sometimes might bring the contentment you say you want.

Have you thought of going into your local primary school and listening to reading or helping with sewing/craft lessons? It really is very rewarding and fun!

'Snap' Applegran. I also do the gratitude diary. It's particularly useful if you feel yourself falling into a 'Woe is me!' frame of mind!

I love NanaDana's poem, it reminds you to be grateful and accept where you are now. I, too belong U3A, a book club, swim and go Aquafit to help keep my back strong. All these create social friends who share their ideas, anecdotes, feelings, misgivings as well as their health and emotional struggles, sharing is caring. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Primrose53

I am quite enjoying not doing very much at all these days.
I spent my life working hard, bringing up kids, working, helping at school events, volunteering for 16 years and then 5 years with a charity working with older people who are socially isolated. I spent 16 years looking after my elderly Mum whilst working part time and to be honest those years just went in a blur!

Now if I want to I stay in bed with a cuppa and a book and read until I want to get up. I do housework when I want to, I shop when I want to. I meet friends and they range from 40-92 and they are all great company. I have very different friends - those I went to school with, former colleagues, people I met when caring for my Mum, knitting friends, village friends etc.

Husband is almost retired so if we want we go for a drive and have some lunch and a walk. If we feel in the mood we might do some jobs in the garden or go and tend my parents grave.
A friend and I run the village FB page and that keeps us both very busy, we have over 2,500 members and they all have a lot to say!

I was recently asked to go on the Parish Council and thought about it for a nano second and said no because for the first time in my life I do what I want, when I want and I don’t have to be around people I would rather not.

I think OP, if you have your health and a few bob just do what you want when, you want. 😉

I feel much as you do Primrose53, I don't feel the need to fill every waking hour with things to do. There is nothing wrong with idleness in your retirement! However I can quite see that if you have lost your partner you might need more company and more to fill your day to "find contentment" as the OP put it.

Hello Lippy. I haven't actually had time to read all the posts but want to reply to you anyway as I have 'been there and got the t-shirt' and am in my eighties now.
At your age I was living a similar life to yours - adult children living their own happy lives but far away, and a second partner, my children's father having died young. And I did go through a phase of feeling unnecessary or unwanted. But that passes. There's a huge joy in seeing your children successful and happy in their chosen lives, and your grandchildren then starting out on their own lives. Up until about 18 months ago I still had my uses (as taxi driver once babysitting was no longer required) but then I realised I wasn't happy driving after dark, so I had to stop that. So yes, I have had my moments of feeling that life is passing me by and that the family are in some sort of parallel universe!
But I think the only way to really find contentment is to be content with what IS and accept things as they are. There's a natural progress through the different stages of life - I think you're at a transition stage between two stages and change, in whatever way it manifests, is always difficult. Someone once told me to 'adopt an attitude of gratitude' and it was the best advice I have ever been given. After all, NOW is all we have along with lots of lovely memories (and regrets - we're human after all!). I hope this helps x

Susieq62

I know what you mean. I have never felt contented with life and always looking for something else. I have step granddaughters who I love but don’t see that often plus they are hinting about emigrating to Australia so I daren’t get too close. My own daughter has chosen not to have children and I respect this.
At 72 I have decided to go for therapy to deal with my issues. Maybe some outside help would benefit you and help you decide what is best fir you. Good luck!

I hope you've told your SGC that you would miss them? It's important to make the most of time that you can have with them, surely?

luckygirl3 re aging - you hit my (dark humour) funny bone with that response!