Finding contentment

“what use am I to anyone now”

Make yourself of use to someone! - get out there and do stuff!

I am widowed and am in a similar situation, although some of my GC are still young and school age. I cannot begin to list the things that I do that I know are helpful to others and bring me some satisfaction. Walking/limping (!), singing, stitching group, running a choir, having lunch with friends, organising village events, raising money for children's playground, organising an arts festival, going to concerts, being chair of school governors, learning to paint, gardening - the list goes on. Without these things my life would feel empty - but they only happen because I get out there and make them happen.

Go and put a toe in the water!

Thank you Luckygirl13. I probably didn’t express myself properly! I do lunch with friends, I walk every day, I organise various things in our village. I think it is the “age” thing I cannot come to terms with!
Obviously there is no answer really. I was just searching a little for answers this morning.

Do you have a pet? My dog makes me feel very useful. A pet is wholly dependent on you for all their needs.

Ah well - you can't do a darn thing about ageing - just go with the flow wherever it takes you - and we know where that is!

lippyqueen have you considered how very fortunate you are that you do not need to have a job in order to make ends meet, that you have a loving partner, that you have good health??

When my children were small and came up with the usual 'It's not fair........' - I would always tell them to stop looking upwards, but look downwards. For them to realise that no matter how unfair that particular issue was, the large mountain of children beneath them with far worse problems.

Be happy that your children are both happy and settled, that your g.children are happy and healthy. That is your job done with them. If you can find some sort of work with a charity, whether it is in a shop, delivering meals, helping children with reading, giving time to the local food bank, etc. egt. then you will quickly realise how important your input is, and give you a good feeling of self-worth.

If no charity work really clicks with you, then just settle back and enjoy you life of meals with friends and accompanying your partner, maybe taking up some sort of learning course, whether an academic subject or something like crochet or pottery.

Your life is important to YOU.

I don’t mean this disrespectfully but you sound like you’re contemplating your navel too much. Go and find some ‘giving back’ voluntary work. Then think yourself lucky because you’re capable of doing it. In the long run it will keep your body and brain active and stave off depression. Good luck OP.

I second what Franbern said.. You have good health, so make the most of life now whilst you can. Look on it as Your time, to do anything you like, try things out, go out for the day to a new place, go on a course to learn a new skill……discover new meaning in life. None of us knows what is round the corner, so make the most of today’s opportunities.

Is there any sort of voluntary work you could try, OP?

At a very loose end during the first lockdown, I started making items for Knit for Nowt, who send therapy items to children’s therapists all over the U.K. There’s always a huge demand.

The regular newsletters give a lot of feedback from the therapists who receive them, and TBH reading their so very grateful thanks, and describing how much they help troubled children, can almost make me cry - and certainly makes me feel I’m doing something useful - not merely slobbing on the sofa doing something I enjoy - and ignoring housework!

I can never understand this motivation of having to be "useful" to others. When you pass/approach retirement age you have already done your duty to the community through your years of work (whether in the home or for an employer) and the taxes you paid. Time to think about doing your duty to yourself and making your own life easier.

You should do whatever makes you happy and do it without guilt. If that includes volunteering, babysitting. travelling or taking up a new hobby then whatever floats your boat.

Sixteen months after DH’s death I am struggling to feel a sense of purpose but agree that getting out there and doing something - anything - is essential. So this week has included the optician, church book group, singing, covid jab, doing refreshments for a meeting, local flower society’s show to admire a friend’s handiwork, a 90th birthday party and a concert in the village church. I find saying yes to things works for me because I feel I can’t let people down so have to turn up to things. Life won’t always come to you - you have to meet it at least half way. I hope you find something to help.

Finding contentment? Here's one I wrote earlier..

The more I look around this world, the suffering I see,
I count my blessings living here, I hope you all agree,
Though no-where’s perfect, where we live is such a special place,
I’ll mention some advantages to help me make my case.
The first that comes to mind is that this morning I awoke,
A privilege to still be here, denied to many folk..
And although my health’s not brilliant, I’ve Doctors treating me,
And I’m living in a country where that treatment’s all for free.
I have a roof above my head, clean water from a tap,
I can always turn the heating up to fend off that cold snap.
And although I’ve never bought my clothes from shops in Saville Row,
I’ve plenty stuff that I can wear, though it’s no fashion show.
Yes, I’ve known hunger as a child, though never known starvation,
Which takes so many third world lives, a shame on every Nation.
I feel so guilty when I know these days I over-eat,
With children crying out for food, and dying on the street.
Our day’s not just a struggle, to manage to survive,
We’ve leisure time when I reflect it’s good to be alive.
Enjoying simple pleasures, Nature’s beauty all around,
Even sparrows in our garden as they feed there on the ground,
Bring a smile as I sit watching, now I have the time and place,
And our home is somewhere comforting, where we have our own space.
I won’t get into politics, although it seems to me,
The system may be flawed sometimes, but basically, we’re free.
And yes, there are some people here, whose aims are all perverted,
So we have to keep an eye out, and see we’re not diverted,
From defending precious freedoms which we’ve built up over years,
Continuing to live our lives, and not give in to fears,
As despite their worst intentions, this is still a peaceful land,
No war-torn cities, civil strife, where hateful flames are fanned.
Here family and friends are close, to lend us that support,
That carries us through troubled times, those battles that are fought,
When even in our pleasant lives, we hit inclement weather,
With those we love we press ahead, and ride those storms together.
So though we do complain sometimes, and end up disenchanted,
I’m counting all my blessings, and I won’t take them for granted…

Find something that gives you a sense of achievement.. it could be yoga, etching, walking, travelling, joining U3A groups, sailing you name it.. just something that makes you feel you've learnt something new and that gives you a sense of joy

You have everything you need, just not necessarily everything you want. The only thing you lack is the presence of your son and his family. There are endless opportunities for making yourself useful.
You most definitely need to count your blessings and give thanks on your knees for much to look forward to and a comfortable old age.

I don’t think anyone has said they feel they ‘have to’, biglouis, but it’s an added satisfaction (to me, anyway) to feel that something I enjoy doing is also useful to others.

It’s not impossible to feel empty or bored or depressed (as I think OP may be) without anything obvious to feel depressed about.
Our AC have busy lives, whether they live near us or on the other side of the world and teenage grandchildren have much less need of Granny than when they were small.
Volunteering is fulfilling but perhaps not for everybody but OP clearly feels a gap in her life.
U3A or similar can provide the company of people with similar interests as well as enlarging our knowledge. I love learning new things which I as often forget two days later, but who cares? We are not tested, there are no exams to pass.
I think a lack of sense of direction can be one of the consequences of the freedom of good health in retirement. When you can do anything it’s hard to choose exactly what.
I would suggest dipping a toe into the water - try a course (Arts Society or U3A) and if it’s not for you, try another. Do you belong to a book group? Again that could introduce you to a circle of new friends. Is there a film club near you or one of those nice Art House cinemas with a glass of Merlot instead of the popcorn?
I would say don’t try too hard to insist on contentment, don’t overthink it. Lots of us are less than truly happy or fulfilled although judging by Facebook and some GN threads you might think they are. Sometimes just being free of health or financial worries is enough to be getting on with!

I think Foxgloves has hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I feel.

Thank you Foxygloves. I think you have hit the nail on the head! I am definitely an over thinker in many circumstances and I’m not sure how to stop! Perhaps that is the thing to tackle.

lippyqueen I know exactly what you mean. Despite my voluntary activities I feel as you do. I wish I could offer some help but I don't have anything to offer except to tell you your not alone. PM me if you fancy a chat on line.

I too think Foxgloves has understood the situation well - that lippyqueen feels unfulfilled and with no sense of purpose. It’s maybe a mild depression and then it’s not easy to just feel ready to get out there and start afresh.
I agree with Germanshepherdsmum that owning a dog gives a sense of purpose and can provide unconditional love. Mine is such a comfort to me now that my family live the other side of the world and seem to get busier each year.

Oh lippyqueen I’ve just seen in a previous thread that you lost your dog last year and I know just how upsetting that is and you of course have known the value of owning one. Perhaps being without yours hasn’t helped your lack of sense of purpose and maybe you’ll soon feel able to give a home to another.

I’m so very sorry. I didn’t realise that when suggesting a pet. Losing a pet certainly does mean losing a lot of one’s purpose in life. I hope you will feel able to open your heart to another in due course. 💐

* Do any of you have different ways of looking at older age.*

I am a Christian. That certainly causes me to look at things differently.

There are different things you can volunteer for at a church, if you feel interested in that in any way? Religious things. And also things like food collections for FoodBank, and any number of different activities.

Yes, we lost our beautiful dog last year. I certainly don’t feel over that at all. He has left a huge gap in both of our lives. I am hopeful that one day I will feel able to have another dog but not ready at the moment. You have all been very kind with some very helpful suggestions.

Hear hear! Biglouis
I think that being content is a gift in itself so looking for contentment means you're on the journey.

What has helped me is keeping some order in my life so that I'm not floundering around with no purpose.
I volunteer for several local projects, I teach a little, and I have joined a few groups which interest me.
No guilt and no sense of duty.

I was widowed approx 2 years ago and life may well change again.
Like yours, my AC don't need me at all and are always in a rush.
I didn't want my DM around me particularly so I am not surprised. They are all some distance away including one in NZ.

Do I feel fulfilled? Not entirely but can jog along happily enough most of the time.

It's the way it is. I am wishing you well on your own journey.
LippyQueen