Stay or Go?

Before taking such a major decision it might make sense to start developing your own life - finding things outside the home that you would like to do, maybe even having a holiday somewhere.

I think you have to simply let go of the vision that you have had of a retirement going out and about together, and just get on and do it on your own.

He cannot help that he has a different vision and prefers to immerse himself in something that does not interest you. There is nothing to be gained by trying to turn him into something he is not. You both have different ideas about how your retirement should be spent - that does not mean you have to be angry nor throw away the last few decades.

My late OH could never see the point of going into a cafe for a coffee - an entirely valid viewpoint. I don't remember him ever suggesting that we go anywhere, but he would mostly tag along if I suggested something. Sometimes that was not necessarily a good thing as I could sense his boredom. I did not get angry about this - two different people with two different views - no problem.

If your OH is bad-tempered, abusive or seriously unpleasant then that puts a different spin on things. Would you see the legal problems as a deal-breaker for you - is that the source of your resentment?

Unless you are seeking a new relationship - not easy at our age - then hang on in there and get out and about doing the things you enjoy.

But nothing will work unless you try and look at the world from his point of view a bit and ditch your resentment. Develop your own life - and see how it pans out. If that does not make you happy then another rethink is needed.

To some degree we make our own happiness.

Yes, it is a big step to go off on your own. But the devil you know is NOT always the best way forward.
You do not mention your age, but you have to think how many years, even decades you could have ahead of you, and you really want those to be as happy as possible.
You also mention legal problems, but nothing about what they are. If you go it alone, then is it possible for your present home to be sold with a 50/50 split?
So many GNetters have gone through separation from their partners/husbands/wifes after many years and nearly all are saying how much better their lives are now.
My marriage really came to an end on our 25th anniversary, although it was a further ten years before we lived separately and, even then another twenty years before we actually divorced.
I still feel a sense of wonderment at the contentment I have in my own lovely home now, living by myself.

Following on from LRavenscroft's suggestion - if your DH is reluctant to have days out with you, why not start by suggesting that you go together to visit places connected with the family members that he's researching? It might not be terribly exciting for you to wander round old churchyards or whatever, but while you're out you might be able to get him into a café for coffee. It could open new doors and thus be worth a try.

One additional thought: if his health were to deteriorate, would you be willing to be his carer? If not, better to leave now than to do so when he is clearly unwell and needing support.

That sounds sad all round.
Does he have depression?
That may have been mentioned before, so ignore me if it has.

Perhaps one last conversation about things Sielha and let your husband know that if he doesn't want to change then it's time for you go. Many of us have been in a similar situation and generally feel it's better to be alone and happy than the reverse. Have you spoken with your family about your problems.

The first thing that struck me about your post was that your husband has lost himself in genealogy. From my own experience I would say that that was an escape from his real world. Has he had any sorrows with family members? I lost myself in genealogy when members of my own living family were causing me a lot of grief. It was as if I was trying to re-discover myself in my ancestry. One thing I did learn was that my grandparents had been through the First World War and I thought if my grandad could have fought in WW1 and my gran gone through the Spanish flu and London in WW2 then I had strong survival genes and it made me respect them and stronger in myself. Secondly, has he always been like that? Many people are introverts and retirement allows them to explore all the creative areas they weren't able to whilst trying to hold a working life together. Are you expectations of going out to places because that is what you want or because you see other around you doing so? Can't you compromise i.e. join some groups yourself where the members have outings WI. U3A, charity groups and get to know some new people yourself but also make an agreement with your husband to have say one outing a week together for lunch and a walk/dinner and a theatre trip? If you are still comfortable and have 40 years or more behind you it seems a shame to throw it all away because of expectations. If you however cannot stand the sight of your other half anymore then it is time to move on. A lot will depend on your gut feelings. And, none of us are getting any younger and we have more experience behind us than ahead and the grass is always greener in the other garden. All worth a thought. If, however, you have a life of misery ahead of you and you having to do all the work, supporting and providing and nurturing whilst needing escape yourself, then I would consider a parting of the ways.

Where do you go when you daydream? I would imagine none of your "dreams" include your husband. I think you probably know the answer.

Left my first husband too, taking just a couple of chairs, my clothes - and the washing machine. It was so liberating!

Left my husband, 30 years ago, best thing I ever did, absolutely no regrets..

Sielha - you already know the answer. What's the point of staying? Leaving is simple - once you've decided to.

Gp