Stay or Go?

Gp

Sielha - you already know the answer. What's the point of staying? Leaving is simple - once you've decided to.

Left my husband, 30 years ago, best thing I ever did, absolutely no regrets..

Left my first husband too, taking just a couple of chairs, my clothes - and the washing machine. It was so liberating!

Where do you go when you daydream? I would imagine none of your "dreams" include your husband. I think you probably know the answer.

The first thing that struck me about your post was that your husband has lost himself in genealogy. From my own experience I would say that that was an escape from his real world. Has he had any sorrows with family members? I lost myself in genealogy when members of my own living family were causing me a lot of grief. It was as if I was trying to re-discover myself in my ancestry. One thing I did learn was that my grandparents had been through the First World War and I thought if my grandad could have fought in WW1 and my gran gone through the Spanish flu and London in WW2 then I had strong survival genes and it made me respect them and stronger in myself. Secondly, has he always been like that? Many people are introverts and retirement allows them to explore all the creative areas they weren't able to whilst trying to hold a working life together. Are you expectations of going out to places because that is what you want or because you see other around you doing so? Can't you compromise i.e. join some groups yourself where the members have outings WI. U3A, charity groups and get to know some new people yourself but also make an agreement with your husband to have say one outing a week together for lunch and a walk/dinner and a theatre trip? If you are still comfortable and have 40 years or more behind you it seems a shame to throw it all away because of expectations. If you however cannot stand the sight of your other half anymore then it is time to move on. A lot will depend on your gut feelings. And, none of us are getting any younger and we have more experience behind us than ahead and the grass is always greener in the other garden. All worth a thought. If, however, you have a life of misery ahead of you and you having to do all the work, supporting and providing and nurturing whilst needing escape yourself, then I would consider a parting of the ways.

Perhaps one last conversation about things Sielha and let your husband know that if he doesn't want to change then it's time for you go. Many of us have been in a similar situation and generally feel it's better to be alone and happy than the reverse. Have you spoken with your family about your problems.

That sounds sad all round.
Does he have depression?
That may have been mentioned before, so ignore me if it has.

One additional thought: if his health were to deteriorate, would you be willing to be his carer? If not, better to leave now than to do so when he is clearly unwell and needing support.

Following on from LRavenscroft's suggestion - if your DH is reluctant to have days out with you, why not start by suggesting that you go together to visit places connected with the family members that he's researching? It might not be terribly exciting for you to wander round old churchyards or whatever, but while you're out you might be able to get him into a café for coffee. It could open new doors and thus be worth a try.

Yes, it is a big step to go off on your own. But the devil you know is NOT always the best way forward.
You do not mention your age, but you have to think how many years, even decades you could have ahead of you, and you really want those to be as happy as possible.
You also mention legal problems, but nothing about what they are. If you go it alone, then is it possible for your present home to be sold with a 50/50 split?
So many GNetters have gone through separation from their partners/husbands/wifes after many years and nearly all are saying how much better their lives are now.
My marriage really came to an end on our 25th anniversary, although it was a further ten years before we lived separately and, even then another twenty years before we actually divorced.
I still feel a sense of wonderment at the contentment I have in my own lovely home now, living by myself.

Before taking such a major decision it might make sense to start developing your own life - finding things outside the home that you would like to do, maybe even having a holiday somewhere.

I think you have to simply let go of the vision that you have had of a retirement going out and about together, and just get on and do it on your own.

He cannot help that he has a different vision and prefers to immerse himself in something that does not interest you. There is nothing to be gained by trying to turn him into something he is not. You both have different ideas about how your retirement should be spent - that does not mean you have to be angry nor throw away the last few decades.

My late OH could never see the point of going into a cafe for a coffee - an entirely valid viewpoint. I don't remember him ever suggesting that we go anywhere, but he would mostly tag along if I suggested something. Sometimes that was not necessarily a good thing as I could sense his boredom. I did not get angry about this - two different people with two different views - no problem.

If your OH is bad-tempered, abusive or seriously unpleasant then that puts a different spin on things. Would you see the legal problems as a deal-breaker for you - is that the source of your resentment?

Unless you are seeking a new relationship - not easy at our age - then hang on in there and get out and about doing the things you enjoy.

But nothing will work unless you try and look at the world from his point of view a bit and ditch your resentment. Develop your own life - and see how it pans out. If that does not make you happy then another rethink is needed.

To some degree we make our own happiness.

freedom to do as we please - the problem is that what pleases each of you is different. Unless you feel able to move towards some acceptance of this fact then you will go on feeling resentful - which is a huge waste of the years you have left when you could be out and about enjoying yourself. And he could be contentedly pursuing his interest.

Your DH has a hobby which he loves - good for him! Other men “live” on the golf course, on their allotment or sitting by a river with a fishing rod in hand. Why should he do volunteering if he doesn’t want to? It is by definition voluntary.
I do wonder to what extent you are guilty of organising his life for him.
Because you don’t share his hobby you feel it has come between you and the retirement you envisaged getting out and about together. “Days out and freedom to do as we pleased” or is it as you pleased ?
I may have missed this, but do you have any hobbies or interests yourself outside the home? Perhaps you need to build more of a life of your own - that would certainly be the case if you left him.
I am constantly amazed by the “LTB” overtones of some of suggestions I am reading!
The grass is not always greener. - especially not in your 60’s or 70’s.

I'm not going to add all the good advice you have received but I wanted to wish you well. It can sometimes be difficult enough living with someone you love and who wants to spend time with you, so for the opposite to be true must be quite soul destroying. I understand the need to be acknowledged

I think that you already know the answer, Sielha. From your description, your partner appears to have stopped participating in your marriage, and not just recently. It also sounds as if you know that separation would most definitely improve the quality of your life, and you can perhaps even sense the relief which that would bring. Is it finance that's standing in your way? If so, have a close look at your wants versus your actual needs, and decide how a future life apart could be funded. In your position, I'd have a final discussion with him, in which you could try to get him to agree to counselling. If he won't go for it, it really is a no brainer. I wish you well, as 15 years ago I escaped a first marriage rather like the one you are describing, and have never regretted it. It has been such a liberating experience. I took my life back, and so can you. Be brave.

Is there any form of professional advice you could use to clarify what you would face if you left or stayed with your husband ? I hesitate to use the word counselling because that suggests working towards a reconciliation, and a solicitor would point out the practical issues but not the emotional ones.

You mention legal matters which are bad; do they involve you and do they have financial implications? It does sound as though your husband is shutting out reality through his genealogy research, and that includes you.

All I suggest is that you write pros and cons lists to see what the advantages/ disadvantages are of your marriage, and what prospects you have before you should you leave. You are unhappy, understandably so, with the present situation; unfortunately it seem as though your husband doesn't care.

You say, " I am so angry with him and it has been building for years with threats of divorce from both of us."

In that case

Time to go and build your own life. He's not going to change, nor is there any reason why he should, unless he actually promised you trips out and time together.

Think about how you would feel about the loss, for even if things are tough, there have been many years together. We cannot know if we will "meet someone else" or be satisfied with life alone.

You dont mention family, btw, just how alone will you be? Do you know yourself to feel how it will be? what will you do on the long stretches of time? Are you content with your own company? You don't mention friends.....

On the other hand, indifference can be lonelier than actually alone.

I wonder if you could reach a compromise by turning your home into separate living spaces.. then if either of you need care later on it can be done on an individual needs basis and you wouldn't have to be the carer. Depending on your financial situation It's not always easy to just leave and set up home somewhere else, especially nowadays with the cost of living..

Life is short and we can waste a lot of time wondering whether we should stay in a marriage or leave. Although I was married for a long time, being faithful to my husband and believing he would change and stop cheating, he never did. I divorced him and am happy with the new life I’ve made for myself. I heard recently that he and his new wife have divorced and that he’s actively looking for someone else. I know you say cheating isn’t an issue in your marriage, but if something else is causing you great unhappiness then I’d say the time has come to set yourself free.

Perhaps he is doing as he pleases, don't need pushed to do other activities? Maybe you need to do all the things you hoped?

don't doesn't

A couple is made up of two individuals and we are pressured, I think, to behave always as a blended thing. Many unhappy people are fearful of breaking that up for all the usual reasons. You have to reach the point of no return first, then quit it.