Stay or Go?

Thankyou all for the replies.Basically before his"silliness"we were quite happy,i.e.holidays together etc. His apparent "reason"for the silliness was boredom which started during the pandamic.Afterwhich I restarted seeing friends meeting for lunch and coffee.Also his cousin sent a copy of their family tree.This made him curious about people from his past,namely ex girlfriends.I did advise against it,saying ,it's often a bad idea.How right I was!!Anyway,obviously he took no need and went ahead with his quest facilitated by a "peoples website" .Couldn't immediately find the one but managed to locate a friend of here ,wrote to her enc losing his email address.And from that the ex responded.

If you’re just living as flatmates, I’d get out before he falls ill and you feel obliged to look after him. Why live in bitter resentment when you can have your own place and be relaxed and fulfilled?

A lot will depend on your circumstances when I decided to leave I knew I would get a good settlement, although I didn't have any plan in particular I had been doing my own thing for 10 yrs anyway, ever since the children left home. He simply wasn’t interested in the things I wanted to do and I was pretty confident with my own hobbies and travel.
Then 6 months later I was invited on a date by a widower I had known socially for many years, we are now married and do most things together. You never know what is round the corner

Leaving is only simple if you have no emotional ties any longer to the person you are leaving.

It is also complicated if you either know you will not have enough to live on, if you leave, or doubt whether you will be badly off.

Only you can decide the emotional side of things, but your bank manager, accountant (if you have one) trade union or Citizen's advice should be able to help you clarify your financial position and the legal implications regarding house ownership etc. if you do decide to leave.

Once you are quite clear about these issues you should be better able to decide what you want to do.

Whether life will be better or worse if you leave, no-one can tell you. This will depend both upon what you want, and upon a number of circumstances, some of which will be beyond your control.

Since I originally posted,things have moved on.H.was out yesterday and I had a thought.Why don't I tell him he can do as he likes! Go and see this woman from his long distant past! ( She lives about 2 hours away).Or restart emailing again! If that,s what he wants..,who am I to "control" what he does?Well,to cut a long story short I said this to him and guess what?He asked me if I would email her to give my permission for their emails to restart!WOW! I didn't expect that!Please don't say it serves me right!What I expected and hoped he would say was "no it really doesn't matter,I,m over all that now" .And obviously that is not the case.In fact I quite believe if she was not in a relationship he would have gone to see her with or without my knowledge!! So back to square one! By the way I did not agree to emailing her.And now when I mention any of what has happened,since the beginning I,m faced with an angry outburst from him! I'm completely stuck!!

Thankyou Allsorts,I certainly have told him,it,s not a good idea to delve into the past!Definitely not where ex,s are concerned.I know people can be "friends" with those they had previous relationships with but..,not when it had got to the intimate stage albeit only once.He did describe "the event" in an email to her as "embraces getting stronger culminating in an evening of mutual passion,which was tender and special "when her parents were out! Wow mills and boon here I come! Am I too synical?

It depends if you want to live the rest if your life feeling like this. Lots of couples remain married but led separate lives, I couldn’t do that though. It’s very lonely sometimes on your own but preferable to being alone with someone you can’t stand. I wouldn’t stay anywhere if I was not in a good relationship, but that’s just me.
Nana, you must be so hurt, you have been married so many years now so no doubt you won’t let this silliness, for that’s what it is on his side, break you up, he has always been a good husband up to now I think he must have a few moments of madness to do what he did. Have a good talk with him tell him his behaving like a silly fool has really upset you then try if you can to move on from this.

Husband emailed ex girlfriend from 56years ago!He sent his email address to her friend and she contacted him first.He wanted "forgiveness" for "dumping her when she was 16 and he was 18.She stated there was nothing to forgive and they were" too young "and" not meant to be ".A few emails later,some I saw,some I didn't.Then he set up a" secret meeting for coffee ".This I was NOT meant to see.However I can" read him and I knew something was up.I reacted by telling him to stay away from me.He was stunned and after deleting it decided I had better see it but I wouldn't like it.I was devastated.Needless to say she never replied to the invitation.?Maybe because she is in a relationship.Anyway I needless to say am having a hard time dealing with this.All emails have stopped.However my trust in him has been severely shaken for the first time in 53years! I cannot seem to come to terms with the deceit and lies. Help!
stunned and after

The O/P doesn't mention it being impossible financially so I'm assuming it's viable.

My question is - is there still enough love, support, love that will sustain the years ahead.

and to repeat, the statement "it has been building for years with threats of divorce from both of us."

Seems to indicate for me there is more than indifference gin on.

On the other hand, the grass isn't always greener...key question, can you envisage a life alone? Do you want it? You don't say what age you are or your health.

Only you know the true situation you are living in so here is what I think based on the information you have given.
The things I couldn't put up with are infidelity, an alcoholic, a gambler, a person wanting to control my life, jealousy, these are the biggies for me and you don't mention any of these. OK he likes family history research I don't see anything wrong with that. My hubby likes sport we have two TVs so it's not a problem. We have different hobbies and spend time away from each other, have our own friends, all this is quite normal and healthy. I wouldn't want to spend every minute of the day with him.
My husband and I have been married for over 50 years we don't need to spend time in each other pockets.
I don't think any women should be so reliant on their husband, go out meet people join clubs and enjoy your life.

Many people are introverts and retirement allows them to explore all the creative areas they weren't able to whilst trying to hold a working life together

This is so true! You think of the huge contribution you have made to the community throughout the years of your working life and come to the conclusion that "this time is for me". The problem comes when you are one of a twosome and not a single. Your DH is behaving as a single.

The posters who point out what a big step divorce is at your age have a point. You would be giving up financial security to strike out on your own. Single people subsidise every other group and thats something to be bourne in mind.

Can you not build a life for yourself without relying on DH? He had his all absorbing interest. You have the choice of learning to share some of it or building up some differenet friends and interests of your own now.

Thank you for all the advice, I have been reading through all of it very carefully. So useful to have insights from others, appreciate it🙏

Leaving a long marriage would be hard and you say "I live my own life", so just wondered how you think the situation would be improved if you left? Are you perhaps hoping to meet a "soulmate", someone with whom to do all those things you hoped to do. If so then obviously there is no guarantee that would happen.

I think the suggestion of an outing relating to his interest in geneology is a good one, a visit to an area that has cropped up in his research.

Does he completely shut you out, or is he happy to chat to you about his research?

I would feel hurt if my husband would never consider doing something with me that I wanted to do. A relationship should be a two way thing, sometimes I do something he wants to do, sometimes he does something I want to do and sometimes we do are own thing. I guess we are lucky in that there are lots of things we both like to do together

A couple is made up of two individuals and we are pressured, I think, to behave always as a blended thing. Many unhappy people are fearful of breaking that up for all the usual reasons. You have to reach the point of no return first, then quit it.

don't doesn't

Perhaps he is doing as he pleases, don't need pushed to do other activities? Maybe you need to do all the things you hoped?

Life is short and we can waste a lot of time wondering whether we should stay in a marriage or leave. Although I was married for a long time, being faithful to my husband and believing he would change and stop cheating, he never did. I divorced him and am happy with the new life I’ve made for myself. I heard recently that he and his new wife have divorced and that he’s actively looking for someone else. I know you say cheating isn’t an issue in your marriage, but if something else is causing you great unhappiness then I’d say the time has come to set yourself free.

I wonder if you could reach a compromise by turning your home into separate living spaces.. then if either of you need care later on it can be done on an individual needs basis and you wouldn't have to be the carer. Depending on your financial situation It's not always easy to just leave and set up home somewhere else, especially nowadays with the cost of living..

On the other hand, indifference can be lonelier than actually alone.

You say, " I am so angry with him and it has been building for years with threats of divorce from both of us."

In that case

Time to go and build your own life. He's not going to change, nor is there any reason why he should, unless he actually promised you trips out and time together.

Think about how you would feel about the loss, for even if things are tough, there have been many years together. We cannot know if we will "meet someone else" or be satisfied with life alone.

You dont mention family, btw, just how alone will you be? Do you know yourself to feel how it will be? what will you do on the long stretches of time? Are you content with your own company? You don't mention friends.....

Is there any form of professional advice you could use to clarify what you would face if you left or stayed with your husband ? I hesitate to use the word counselling because that suggests working towards a reconciliation, and a solicitor would point out the practical issues but not the emotional ones.

You mention legal matters which are bad; do they involve you and do they have financial implications? It does sound as though your husband is shutting out reality through his genealogy research, and that includes you.

All I suggest is that you write pros and cons lists to see what the advantages/ disadvantages are of your marriage, and what prospects you have before you should you leave. You are unhappy, understandably so, with the present situation; unfortunately it seem as though your husband doesn't care.

I think that you already know the answer, Sielha. From your description, your partner appears to have stopped participating in your marriage, and not just recently. It also sounds as if you know that separation would most definitely improve the quality of your life, and you can perhaps even sense the relief which that would bring. Is it finance that's standing in your way? If so, have a close look at your wants versus your actual needs, and decide how a future life apart could be funded. In your position, I'd have a final discussion with him, in which you could try to get him to agree to counselling. If he won't go for it, it really is a no brainer. I wish you well, as 15 years ago I escaped a first marriage rather like the one you are describing, and have never regretted it. It has been such a liberating experience. I took my life back, and so can you. Be brave.

I'm not going to add all the good advice you have received but I wanted to wish you well. It can sometimes be difficult enough living with someone you love and who wants to spend time with you, so for the opposite to be true must be quite soul destroying. I understand the need to be acknowledged

Your DH has a hobby which he loves - good for him! Other men “live” on the golf course, on their allotment or sitting by a river with a fishing rod in hand. Why should he do volunteering if he doesn’t want to? It is by definition voluntary.
I do wonder to what extent you are guilty of organising his life for him.
Because you don’t share his hobby you feel it has come between you and the retirement you envisaged getting out and about together. “Days out and freedom to do as we pleased” or is it as you pleased ?
I may have missed this, but do you have any hobbies or interests yourself outside the home? Perhaps you need to build more of a life of your own - that would certainly be the case if you left him.
I am constantly amazed by the “LTB” overtones of some of suggestions I am reading!
The grass is not always greener. - especially not in your 60’s or 70’s.

freedom to do as we please - the problem is that what pleases each of you is different. Unless you feel able to move towards some acceptance of this fact then you will go on feeling resentful - which is a huge waste of the years you have left when you could be out and about enjoying yourself. And he could be contentedly pursuing his interest.