Separate at 62 ?

fancy that . Yes as the saying goes, actions speak louder so am ex disappointed in response. Yes on looking up info theres differences between separation and divorce, so I'll go more into detail about what I'd need to do for best. Children all left home now fortunately although will still hit them hard of course. Thanks for help.

Daisymae. Yes thanks for thoughts, as just said in last comment it was all bit odd and didn't add up as to him leaving so early. Yes he's already brought up where to release more cash so I certainly do need to protect the house ,thanks for advice

Luckygirl3. Interesting that your husband did similar. I do hope it's all turned out well for you now after hard time. I think in similar way his job had really got to him, it was really stressful and things were going wrong , but he seemed to use our ge gap and wanting to finish so he coul do things with me as his reason to leave, I realise now he never actually told anyone that things were going wrong at all. It feels like he is prone to being not really honest with himself and trying to show a different face to world . It still feels like he's avoidant about what he's done. I think you were really courageous how you handled it all. Thankyou.

GagaJo , yes the ball is in his court and it's the shock of knowing he's not interested or able to put any reparation in action for sure. Thanks.

Grammaretto . Yes you have hit nail on head for sure that's why I feel so betrayed and I'm not sure that team respect will come back again now. Thankyou.

Caleo yes I agree with you there on sexual relationship especially in marriage of many years. Thankyou.

pascal30 thankyou. Yes don't think legally you can say it's criminal but it certainly feels bit like that. Yes I'm going state he needs to recover it thru work but if refuses then I'll have go down legal separation. Thanks for help.

Wyllow3 yes if it's in joint names it would need both signatures to borrow on it. Yes I'm going seek legal advice, thanks for help.

Grandmabatty , yes apparently if you're married then you share your OH s debts ( obviously Victorian property still). I've been thru all finances but you can never really know if more cash has been used, he says not . Thanks for your thoughts .

He stole from your past, your parents legacy to you, and he has stolen your future

Yet he will not go back to work to try and put this right

That means he is not holding himself accountable for his actions

Without accountability any apology is meaningless

Without accountability there will be no change and you cannot regain trust

Sorry, but I would be packing his bags. Not only has he stolen your future from you, he has left you with a far less secure and comfortable retirement than you had planned. All the time you were jointly making plans to rent out your house, travel etc., he was lying to you by not telling you what he was doing with your money. Lies by omission are still lies. I could not share a bottle of wine, let alone a bed, with someone who has so little respect or consideration for me, and who has no plans to remedy the catastrophe that he has caused. Get to a solicitor, ringfence your assets, and leave this freeloader to his sports.

Am so sorry to hear this, if I were you I’d be def packing his bags and kicking his sorry a… out the door, you have a whole new life ahead of you , get on and enjoy every last bit 🙂

That would be the straw that broke the camels back for me. So sorry to hear this, there would be no going back if it was me, not to be trusted I would pack his bags

Go quick before anything happens that make you feel you cannot leave. We never know what’s around the corner so please go!

I am not sure how you would find out whether he has taken out other debts?

I suspect from what you have written, your feelings for him will come back. May take several years, eg 4?

But I dont like the way he doesnt seem sorry or regretful?
And he is not attempting to change things for the better[go back to work etc]

He is only 51. Plays sport. Presumably his health is good enough to work.

He would need to do that as far as I was concerned. But everyone is different.
I dont know the different legal implications between separation and divorce.
And you are not married?

Are there children involved?

It doesn't seem like he's retired, just made himself voluntarily unemployed. I wonder if he has a history of risk taking? At the end of the day it would seem like a good idea to take some legal advice to make sure that you are as financially secure as possible. He does need to go back to work, you can't live off of fresh air. He may suggest selling the house and releasing equity? This could leave you in financial difficulty. Only you can decide what's the best course of action once armed with all the best options and advice.

Sorry, but if he’s used the savings that were going to keep you going for the next 15 or more years then that is an awful lot of money and I would get to a Solicitor on Tuesday and get rid of him a soon as you can.

It’s a pity you can’t sue him for theft.

My OH was hooked on playing the stock market - I think it was out of desperation as he hated his job. I did two things:

- discussed with him an agreed sum that he could use for this purpose. WE could not really afford to lose it, but at least this put a ceiling on any potential loss.
- helped facilitate him leaving the job he hated at the age of 42. It had huge repercussions for us all - selling our home, me working longer hours etc. - but I could see it was making him ill and impairing his judgement.

Sorry, he cannot be trusted. I would have no respect for the man. I would not give any man who did this to me a second chance.
He is also a lazy man, he won't go back to work to try to rectify his dishonest wrong doing.

If you jointly own your house he can only borrow against it by forging your signature. That would be very difficult to achieve. That wouldn’t be my primary concern. In your position I would be insisting that he returns to work immediately until at least such time as he has restored your money, and plays his proper share of the household expenses. Did he have a career to which he could easily return, or which provided transferable skills?

It'd all depend on his willingness to try to put right his mistakes for me.

Going back to work, being contrite, showing sympathy for your hurt. If he is really sorry, you might have a chance.

I guess really the ball is in his court. If he's not prepared to try to correct his mistakes, I would sadly have to move on and leave.

I would find it difficult. What a horrible decision to have to make but make you must.
When you are married you are a team and make joint decisions, don't you?
This relationship is no longer equal and you have lost faith in him.
I would try therapy before baling out and hope that after that you will feel more certain about the future.
Good luck to you.

ILois, if by "genuine feelings" you mean sexual desire, when I was sexually active I could not have desired a man I did not respect. Sex, for women, is about more than hormonal urge.

To add - the earning potential of either party IS taken into consideration when financial settlements discussed so at 51 that will weigh strongly. However if he is ill, (can claim inability to work) or you are ill, it can be different.

Surely if he used your money, allbeit from a joint account, without your agreement then this is a criminal matter.. If not I still think you should have a case for regaining your jointly owned house in order to recoup some of your losses. He has betrayed your trust by not consulting you about how to use your money and I would leave him. See if he can rebuild his life by working to repay you. Maybe somewhere down the line he can restore your trust, but I wouldn't bet on it... but you have plenty of timeto rebuild your own life.