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Separate at 62 ?

(63 Posts)
1Lois Sun 30-Apr-23 08:09:39

Hi gransnetters, new here have just read the recent thread on prev post which is helpful also. My OH is 11 years younger , he took early 'retirement' so we could go off and do things travel round UK bit more and decide where we'd wanted to retire to. We'd put savings away to tide us over until his pension started and I have small work pension . Then lockdown came so have just started our plans. We rented our house out and took out a rental elsewhere, at Xmas it all came out he'd lost all our savings gambling on stock market over the last year. Have been so shocked angry and pretty depressed since. Also my mum died last August and my brothers live long distance away, few friends are in town where we lived so feel very isolated now, have told one close friend. I feel like I've lost all faith / trust in him and the fact he's done this , has no answer to why or reasons for it and I also feel really stupid that I hadn't realised, I leave him, is it possible to recover genuine feelings for him again ? Any thoughts very gratefully received. Thanks.

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 30-Apr-23 08:29:07

You don’t say if he is now Retirement age or if he can go back to work and recoup the money he lost? If he can then he should asap.

If he is willing to at least try to then I might give him a chance, however, is this a one off? Was he training to be a trader (absolutely no excuse for not discussing it beforehand with you) or does he have a history of Gambling? Is your house safe from him or can he remortgage/ borrow against it? Does he have other debts that you don’t know about?

Lots of questions, but he has to admit and be sorry for what he has done and if he doesn’t and isn’t sorry then I would separate whilst you still have the house to split, deducting all the money that he has lost from the finances.

I would like to believe that he was trying to earn some money whilst being retired, but the cynic in me thinks that he retired just to use your money and savings to gamble. I hope I’m wrong. The one question I haven’t asked is do you still love him? Would your life be better without him?

Carenza123 Sun 30-Apr-23 08:54:18

I do not feel I could trust him in the future. Who knows if he did have/earn more money, he would gamble that as well? I am so sorry for your circumstances.

1Lois Sun 30-Apr-23 08:54:55

Hi Oopsadaisy1
Yes he's 51 now so still working age was almost 49 when he left. I've tried to persuade ,discuss ,argue for him to go back to work but he just keeps blocking this . No he's not gambled before but our savings included money from my parents wills, so I'm so upset at this . The house is in joint names and I've just sorted my pension goes into my own account now. Yes I think underneath I do love him but not in same way now, I feel he's treated me as non existent in his choices he's made all along and deception... So I don't know, it's the brick wall of starting out on my own in my 60s that feels so overwhelming. Thankyou.

1Lois Sun 30-Apr-23 08:56:37

Thankyou Carenzal28

Wyllow3 Sun 30-Apr-23 09:02:25

1Lois I'm 72 and starting a new life because of abuse, and its not easy but better than living with the loss of trust and

"I feel he's treated me as non existent in his choices he's made all along and deception." This is very telling "*all along".

I also feel stupid, I also feel great grief for the better bits. But some of the things you say about him seem to have a degree of narcissism in them. that means someone attaches themselves to you, at first showering with love, then undermining and deception and grandiose ideas.

If I can do it at 72 you can 10 years younger. You've a lot of life ahead.

Caramme Sun 30-Apr-23 09:05:01

At 51 he is still able to work, and that would be non-negotiable for me. Surely that should have been the first thing he did. If he goes back to work and works hard until he has substantially recouped the losses he has made, well, maybe I would persevere. If he just wants to idle away his days living off of your hard won resources that would be it. And what, if he is no longer gambling on the stock market, does he do with his time? He sounds like a lazy chancer to me. I am sure you are worth more than that.

1Lois Sun 30-Apr-23 09:12:42

Wyllow3 . I am full of admiration for you and building you're own life again. I wish you a full and happy life. Yes as you say it's the sorrow for all the good bits and children now grown up.

1Lois Sun 30-Apr-23 09:16:44

Caramme, yes I do agree with you re working so that's exactly where I'm stumped, if it was me it's the first thing I'd be doing to try put things right so... He plays sport a lot , carries on as normal. Which is making it worse. It's still sad.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 30-Apr-23 09:24:08

Is your household income simply your small work pension? Does he have no income? How on earth do you survive? Does he expect to just live off you?

1Lois Sun 30-Apr-23 09:30:12

The savings were going be our income til his pension started and my state pension. Yes he needs to work or we separate and both go back to work.

Grandmabatty Sun 30-Apr-23 09:35:15

Please check if you are partially responsible for any debts before you make a decision. Has he shown any regret for what he has done? I don't mean saying he's sorry, but actually doing something to change the situation? I could not stay with him if he's happy to coast along on your money after losing so much. He's a fool and a scrounger and an addict to gambling.

Wyllow3 Sun 30-Apr-23 09:36:07

1Lois my AC and grandchildren did not come from my marriage it was a second marriage.

You say you jointly own the house, can you find a way of making sure he cannot borrow against its value (or if he does, he loses out in settlement)

Fortunately, I owned the house, but he could have claimed against it had he not had a substantial inheritance due.

I would advise very strongly talking to a solicitor to find out the practicalities next week. Even if you do not act on it, you will know where you stand. The new No Blame divorce makes matters much easier in terms of the separation bit, but still the financials to sort out.

pascal30 Sun 30-Apr-23 09:37:08

Surely if he used your money, allbeit from a joint account, without your agreement then this is a criminal matter.. If not I still think you should have a case for regaining your jointly owned house in order to recoup some of your losses. He has betrayed your trust by not consulting you about how to use your money and I would leave him. See if he can rebuild his life by working to repay you. Maybe somewhere down the line he can restore your trust, but I wouldn't bet on it... but you have plenty of timeto rebuild your own life.

Wyllow3 Sun 30-Apr-23 09:38:00

To add - the earning potential of either party IS taken into consideration when financial settlements discussed so at 51 that will weigh strongly. However if he is ill, (can claim inability to work) or you are ill, it can be different.

Caleo Sun 30-Apr-23 09:38:58

ILois, if by "genuine feelings" you mean sexual desire, when I was sexually active I could not have desired a man I did not respect. Sex, for women, is about more than hormonal urge.

Grammaretto Sun 30-Apr-23 09:39:46

I would find it difficult. What a horrible decision to have to make but make you must.
When you are married you are a team and make joint decisions, don't you?
This relationship is no longer equal and you have lost faith in him.
I would try therapy before baling out and hope that after that you will feel more certain about the future.
Good luck to you.

GagaJo Sun 30-Apr-23 09:45:29

It'd all depend on his willingness to try to put right his mistakes for me.

Going back to work, being contrite, showing sympathy for your hurt. If he is really sorry, you might have a chance.

I guess really the ball is in his court. If he's not prepared to try to correct his mistakes, I would sadly have to move on and leave.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 30-Apr-23 09:50:15

If you jointly own your house he can only borrow against it by forging your signature. That would be very difficult to achieve. That wouldn’t be my primary concern. In your position I would be insisting that he returns to work immediately until at least such time as he has restored your money, and plays his proper share of the household expenses. Did he have a career to which he could easily return, or which provided transferable skills?

rafichagran Sun 30-Apr-23 10:01:07

Sorry, he cannot be trusted. I would have no respect for the man. I would not give any man who did this to me a second chance.
He is also a lazy man, he won't go back to work to try to rectify his dishonest wrong doing.

Luckygirl3 Sun 30-Apr-23 10:13:55

My OH was hooked on playing the stock market - I think it was out of desperation as he hated his job. I did two things:

- discussed with him an agreed sum that he could use for this purpose. WE could not really afford to lose it, but at least this put a ceiling on any potential loss.
- helped facilitate him leaving the job he hated at the age of 42. It had huge repercussions for us all - selling our home, me working longer hours etc. - but I could see it was making him ill and impairing his judgement.

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 30-Apr-23 10:24:21

Sorry, but if he’s used the savings that were going to keep you going for the next 15 or more years then that is an awful lot of money and I would get to a Solicitor on Tuesday and get rid of him a soon as you can.

It’s a pity you can’t sue him for theft.

Daisymae Sun 30-Apr-23 10:27:03

It doesn't seem like he's retired, just made himself voluntarily unemployed. I wonder if he has a history of risk taking? At the end of the day it would seem like a good idea to take some legal advice to make sure that you are as financially secure as possible. He does need to go back to work, you can't live off of fresh air. He may suggest selling the house and releasing equity? This could leave you in financial difficulty. Only you can decide what's the best course of action once armed with all the best options and advice.

fancythat Sun 30-Apr-23 11:10:56

I am not sure how you would find out whether he has taken out other debts?

I suspect from what you have written, your feelings for him will come back. May take several years, eg 4?

But I dont like the way he doesnt seem sorry or regretful?
And he is not attempting to change things for the better[go back to work etc]

He is only 51. Plays sport. Presumably his health is good enough to work.

He would need to do that as far as I was concerned. But everyone is different.
I dont know the different legal implications between separation and divorce.
And you are not married?

Are there children involved?

midgey Sun 30-Apr-23 11:13:18

Go quick before anything happens that make you feel you cannot leave. We never know what’s around the corner so please go!