Separate at 62 ?

I don’t think any further action has to be taken quickly Oops. ILois says she has stopped her pension going into the joint account and she’s not going to agree to releasing equity from the house, so she’s done what she can on the financial front for now. Her eyes are open. It’s now a matter of whether she decides to stay with him, and if so what conditions she lays down - which I have no doubt will include him working if he wants to keep a roof over his head and continue to eat. If she decides against staying together, that’s the time to see a solicitor.

Ilois I can understand that you don’t want to make any rash moves, however, I think that you need to protect your finances as a matter of urgency, you have no idea what debts he has or what commitments he still has to pay off, meanwhile he could deplete your joint accounts and borrow against your home.
And he still isn’t working or accepting any responsibility for it (this is typical of someone who go has an addiction).
I wish you well, but I think action needs to be taken quickly to protect what you have left.

Germanshepherdsmum. No I'm not agree to anything re our house thanks.
Hetty58 yes I can imagine that couples could survive potentially this way, I've moved my pension from joint ACC and I'll get legal advice re home if I decide we separate. Thanks.
Franbern yes you're right I am definitely still in shock so I know I need get to point of thinking more clearly before take decision which avenue to go down. He used to have a highly responsible job, but gambling does seem to grip men across the board . At present I'm not optimistic he'd ever agree to me taking responsibility for all finances..
Thankyou all for your kind thoughts and advice I do appreciate this greatly.🙏

ILouis - putting aside for a moment the gambling do you want this relationships to be dissolved? How do you feel about restarting your life, living by yourself? I know how hard it must be for you to come to any sort of terms with his deception, and the shock of what you thought was a safe, comfortable (economically) future. BUT, do you feel that life with hin as your companion is still what YOU want.

If you do, then you need to insist that he starts attending Gamblers Anonymous and that YOU take over control of both of your finances, this can be done as an agreement between the two of you and part of his acceptance that what he has done is so very wrong. Many years ago, one of my daughters could no longer put up with her husbands careless use of their finances and he accepted he was not good in budgeting. So, he cut up all his cards, she contr5ols the finances, if he wants something largish he asks her permission (in the nicest of ways), and this has worked out so well for both of them for the last fifteen years.

However, if you feel that this deception is step more then you can accept, then you need to start making arrangements to split up as quickly as possible. Legal advice would be a start, the house would need to be sold so that you each have 50/50 of it (unless one of you has access to funds to buy out the other persons half).
Nobody, can advice you to stay or to go - that is entirely your decision.

A work colleague of my late husband had a gambling addiction (an illness, like any other). His wife would collect his wages - then hand him his 'pocket money'.

She had sole control of the finances, as he simply couldn't be trusted - and that's how their marriage survived.

1Lois, you do need urgent legal advice - to protect you from this awful addiction and ensure some stability. Only you can tell whether the marriage continues.

Is he talking about equity release? Don’t go there. You know what he’s likely to do with the money. Your interest in the house seems to be your only security at present - don’t do anything to compromise that,

Katie59 thanks for pointing this out, I've been wondering about how it can all be closed, I've asked him to do so and says he will , but I've no idea about any of this myself.. he suggested money from the house would be for our living expenses not to gamble further, but I'm doubtful of his intentions on this for sure. Thanks, yes Ill get legal advice.

Franbern yes I recognise this situation is going take much thought and compromise no doubt. I'm sorry you experienced this yourself.

Caleo yes , I found I needed to force him into at least phoning Gamblers Anonymous, which he did but then it's come to no more insight or willingness to follow through with active change , the word " superficial" seems appropriate I feel.

ILois, “he wants more cash for gambling” be aware he may still have open contracts that there may be margin calls on, these need closing, he need# to disclose what he has.

Private investors have very little chance of making money from short term trading, the professionals are much quicker at making a quick buck, the little guy always looses out.

I thought the same Fran. It’s such a daft thing say.

Interesting how people on here say 'Pack his bags', 'kick him out the door', etc Sounds so simple. What happens if he refused to leave? After all, he would say it is much his house and hers so she can leave if she wishes, but he is staying put.

This is exactly what happened to me.

Actually, thank you, ILois ! Your personal story is relevant to so many of us, and I myself get a great deal from Hithere's phrase "financial infidelity". For me, it puts marriage into a wider perspective.

Not only sexual dishonesty, but also financial dishonesty. More, there is also the dishonesty when promises are made for mutual help when troubles come and that help is denied when it's needed.
Some marriage partners are superficial by habit.

Yes Caleo it is financial infidelity, have been reading up on peoples stories on gamcare , all so sad.
DamaskRose yes thank you for your advice, will do.
jeanie99 yes I can understand you'll have learnt a lot from yr previous boyfriend, have been online with gamcare and will follow up advice thankyou.
V3ra thanks for your kind thoughts also am trying find way forward with future decisions now .
Thankyou all, it's so good to have received so many supportive messages and thoughtful advice. I'm quite humbled by this 🙏

I don't think you'll ever have peace of mind in the future with this man.
His deception and financial abuse of you are too deep and too longstanding.
His refusal to address the situation or do anything to redeem it tells you all you need to know.

Take professional advice, cut your losses and make plans to stand on your own two feet.
You'll have self-respect and can build a new life for yourself, albeit not the one you thought you were going to have.
So sorry for you though 😞

This is just my opinion which is based on passed experience of a boyfriend I knew many years ago regarding gambling.

He will have gambled secretly, you wouldn't have known about it they can be very cleaver at hiding this addiction.

I don't believe your hubby when he says he's never gambled before, suddenly start to gamble and loose thousands of pounds and loose money over a period of time as a none gambler, it's not going to happen.

Knowing this money was to be used in the future for your retirement he without any thought for you and the consequence's of this he continued to loose money.
This is a completely selfish act and I could never trust him again.
Apart from that he is not working!!! He should be out there working two jobs in my opinion at the very lease, he clearly doesn't feel any shame for what he's done. Just get rid of this piece of s***. He will never change.
Financial move everything you can into your name, take advice fast, look to protecting your interests.
Check out if he as borrowed against your mortgage if you have one.
Change your will at the very least.
Try to think clear and positive there is a life after this and I wish you the very best for the future, you are still a young women, life can be good again.

I’m so sorry about this and, like others, I think that if he was making no effort to earn money to repay the debt (to you) then I’d think very carefully about your relationship going forward. In the meantime seek professional help.

"He committed financial infidelity" wrote Hithere. Thanks for the idea! You are right that this too is infidelity.

Thanks 👍

He committed financial infidelity

There is no way to know what he has done w/o you knowing anything about it in the past

Lawyer to cover your rights and future and drop the cheater

"Though he has to want it for himself"

Yes. Whatever problem is causing it, unless he sees a need to change and actively wants to, it won't work. You have to want to change.

1Lois

Daisymae. Yes thanks for thoughts, as just said in last comment it was all bit odd and didn't add up as to him leaving so early. Yes he's already brought up where to release more cash so I certainly do need to protect the house ,thanks for advice

He wasnts to release more cash for gambling?

In which case he needs professional help? Though he has to want it for himself?

So sorry you are in this position.

This may or may not apply but worth a look through
thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-and-money/#:~:text=Covert%20narcissists%20may%20also%20gaslight,ever%20talking%20about%20this%20budget.

VioletSky . Yes very true , no accountability. Agree. Thankyou for summing it up.

Houseplant queen. Yes this is exactly how I'm feeling. Just sucks. Thanks.