I need him

It sounds as if you only have him in your life just now to support you, and you could do with the perspective and support of others. Please try and reach out to the contacts posted for domestic abuse, or contact your GP.

Hi Redhead, thanks for your kind message. I have told him many times when he talks to me nastily.He always denies it. Which is incredibly frustrating.He just says I’m being paranoid or over reacting.My daughters know how he unfair and nasty he can be to me.I really do appreciate everyone’s advice and support.Makes me feel less alone.So thank you to everyone.

Hi Bluebell, I do try stand up to him but he always gets the better of me and turns it on me.I am always in the wrong at these times

I know, sorry I got in the way Wyllow

Violet I was referring to GSM post.

I don't think there is enough evidence to say that.

We have indeed said quite a lot above which isn't based upon the O/P - we have shared different stories of abuse, which may or may not make sense to the O/P and made hopefully helpful suggestions, but in these matters...

..... I think it important to support a woman claiming abuse unless evidence to the contrary, because it's often hard to get people to believe you or don't want to know, and we now know abuse is very common place.

I don't think abusive behaviour is caused by depression or anxiety

I think abusive people can get depression and anxiety and that can worsen their behaviour

But many people suffer with depression and anxiety and aren't in any way abusive

I know that from personal experience of a very long abusive marriage. There’s nothing you can tell me about that that I don’t already know. However I think the husband is a victim here - I can’t imagine living with someone who never leaves the house (not through physical disability). As a consequence how much does he have to do? What sort of life does he have? She could get medical help and I was one of those encouraging her to do so two years ago, but evidently she did nothing.

Germanshepherdsmum a bit of victim blaming going on there? It can take many goes to leave an abusive relationship.

When I told Ex things I wasn't happy with then what I experienced was

denial he did or said what he did - ie, your idea of reality was actually wrong/didnt exist/he'd never done said it (gaslighting)

or - it was my fault that he had said/done such and such because I was ill or mad.

or - suddenly I would be loved or adored to prove how wonderful he was for me. That bit echoed the love-bombing start of our time together when he had become "Everything" to me and shut the outside world out and a dependency developed.

it doesn't take much imagination to see how if that happens consistently over time you end up abused, but often you can only see it clearly in retrospect. I probably wouldn't have spotted it at all if it hadn't suddenly become grossly abusive to the point of police involvement etc. shouted at, "If I were a violent man you'd be dead" and similar.

Tabby, I think that when we love someone and show affection we make ourselves vulnerable to losing that person whom we like so much, and so naturally we 'need' the person. I think when grans are saying beware of needing him they mean don't rely on him TOO much but keep some reliance on yourself so you can also live happily without him.

His abusive manners are making you anxious so you are worrying he may not love you. He may possibly be abusive because he has worries you don't know about. Can you be brave and tell him you are sad and anxious when he is unpleasant to you, and ask him why does this?

You seem to actually want to part from him, but what is holding you back is fear of being alone and lonely without him. You need to make up your mind to either leave him or else tell him he sometimes makes you unhappy. If he is not interested in whether or not you are unhappy then you have your answer.

This song speaks so much about getting out

(Sara Bareilles - a Safe Place to Land)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ht2NCrlghS4

It took me many many years to leave a narcissist husband and it was a huge relief. I remember the first evening on my own relaxing and knowing there was no one there who would say awful things to me. BUT looking back it would have been much much better if I'd planned ahead and looked for where I'd get support after I left. I allowed myself to struggle mostly alone and now think I should have asked any friends I still had (I'd lost most friends) to simply talk to me - have a cup of tea with me - from time to time. And I am sure Relate and other organisations run groups for people after divorce and separation - I wish I'd joined something like that. It is not easy to leave an abusive relationship - your sense of your own strength and capacity to live and make your own choices is worn away. So plan, get help, and go when you are ready - but do not linger for too long - you deserve better.

I’m not convinced that the husband isn’t acting out of sheer frustration Wyllow. This has been going on for years. I wonder just how much he has to do in and outside of the house, given her depressed, fatigue (frequently an effect of depression) and agoraphobia. Only the OP can tell us that, and I doubt she will.

Bluebelle am a little concerned about your post because suggesting to someone who is depressed and in the pits to more or less pull themselves together tends to just make them retreat further into helplessness.

Also - an abusive controlling man - may not want that person to change - they may have got them exactly where they want them - under control. and it feels good to them and their ego.

They can see themselves as a grandiose rescuer, when in fact a really loving partner would actually try and do everything to get help for you. I did, in a similar situation, get help, but Ex constantly undermined or tried to undermine their part in a recovery. In the end his behaviour was so extreme that I had the whole of my family's backing, but a lot of abusers are very cunning - Mr Nice guy to the outside world.

I don't find it surprising that you have kept coming back here hoping someone could somehow unlock the situation without you doing things that may threaten him and risk increasing abuse (or you fear would)

but alas what everyone says is true - you have to reach out for help: find times when he's not there to ring Domestic Absue helplines - go to your GP and spill the beans.

I should not be surprised nor shocked nor angry if you turn up feeling the same way in another year or so - it's very, very hard and there is a well trodden path of people returning to abusers out of fear of being alone or other fears.

Your title says you need him - I think you need to ask yourself what for.

Do you need him because you are frightened of rocking the boat, or of branching out on your own (very understandable if you have depression and anxiety)? Or are there positive reasons that you feel you need him?

What positive things does he bring to your life? Why not write a list with positive and negative on neither side, and weight them by adding a figure? - e.g. putting out the bins might rate a 1, but supporting you when you are ill might get a 7. Tot them up and see where you get.

It really does sound as though you feel emotionally manipulated and this is dreadful to live with. But I do understand how hard it feels to make a change. I can only reiterate what others have said - see your GP; get treated and build yourself up so that you feel able to tackle this situation.

I hope you will find a way through this.

Oh come on look at it from the other side of the coin the lady says he’s often loving helpful and supportive and does everything for her …. if you lived with someone who was afraid of their shadow, didn’t go out anywhere AND needed you to basically look after them 24/7 how would you cope ?
Tabby help yourself get counselling, get therapy, you’re chronically depressed, your are chronically fatigued and you have acrophobia it can’t be easy living for you or him but only YOU can change that
GET HELP
What help have you sought in the last two years please tell us ?

Yes, Violet is right. You must know deep-down that this is not a healthy situation.

Baby steps. You can do it.

This is you asking for help Tabby because part of you knows you need it

You've made the first step, keep going

Sounds like a narcissist to me. That's not a loving way to treat someone and you don't deserve to be on the receiving end of abusive behaviour. Verbal abuse is just as damaging and destructive as physical abuse.
Definitely work towards leaving . You say you 'need' him. Why? Are you afraid of being alone and settling for something rather than nothing? This situation will only strip you of your self esteem and self belief... which your belief of 'needing him' is a part of.

I understand you reached out here before... perhaps then you were just not ready to make the move. It's good that you have done so again. Perhaps this time you will take some action. Nothing changes if you done make change!
You could start with contacting Womens Aid and think about getting some therapy. Starting out alone again can be daunting but once you do it you will wonder why you stayed so long. I've never heard a woman who was in an abusive relationship and got out of it say she regretted her decision... never! Quite the opposite.

Well done for reaching out here again... that's a great beginning... continue reaching out to 'safe' people and organisations.

I would not discuss any of it with your husband, it may make you more unsafe.

Oh you are totally right, GSM (and as Violet says too) you do have to go talk and ask for help. Its good to post here for support and realise you are not alone but have to reach out. If he goes out you can, remember, ring the SAMS. Yes, you dont have to be ready to take pills to get a good old listening to

Little story. the crisis came all very suddenly for me as Ex's own MH stuff triggered behaviour that was unbearable, intolerable. I remember run-in gout after a visit from his workers one crucial day and saying you cant leave me like this. they said ring the police. Well, I didnt, but then a day after I did. And to my surprise a kind young policeman took the time to talk not just about changing the locks but he asked me bluntly "do you want to be in this marriage".

I hadn't thought that far at all but own things got worse I called again and yet another young policeman came round (more had happened). He was very kind and knew about coercive abuse but didn't know how to get effective evidence.

After that I started collecting it. Sound recordings on my phone: screen shots of texts and whatsapp's and so on. I recommend the O/P if nothing else tries to do this. In the end I didn't use it...except when I get the grief and the happier memories and feel bewildered did he ever really love me etc they are there to remind me. (I still dont know the answer to that one as its possible he thought he did but could just not be other than himself.)

You are stuck in the cycle of abuse

He does something that upsets you

You protest

He blames you

He brings you to a low point

Then he flips the switch and becomes the loving man you want and need.

You are on some level convincing yourself that the loving man is the "real" him. It isn't. The verbally abusive man is the real him, the loving version is just to make sure you don't leave so he can continue to hurt you and rely on you for his needs. Your needs and feelings do not matter.

You have anxiety and depression, maybe that existed before him (and if it did, that vulnerability likely attracted him) but, you have no chance of fighting it all the while you are in this relationship.

You need to learn your worth. Reach out to your GP or the Domestic Abuse Helpline.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Please, so many of us are fully aware of what emotional abuse is. It is just as harmful as physical or sexual abuse.

You deserve better, you are worthy of real love and support. You matter.

She mentioned it two years ago. I advised seeing her GP. I doubt she has. If she won’t try to help herself it won’t happen. Having been treated for severe depression and anxiety for many years, I know that if I hadn’t seen the doctor, which took an enormous effort, I would have ended up an unemployable mess. I saw it happen to a secretary once. She refused all help, went home one day p, never came back and never worked again. I don’t know if her marriage survived but having met her husband I doubt it. Nobody can take that first step for us, we have to do it for ourselves.

Germanshepherdsmum

It’s all too easy, whether you’re 19 as I was or 69. Love is, unfortunately, blind to the bleedin’ obvious.
It may be that OP has been made like this by her husband to suit his preferences, or he’s been made like he is by her reclusive behaviour. We can’t tell.

If she has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, that will be the main reason she doesn't go out, and with this man draining even more of her energy, I'm wouldn't be surprised if she can't go out; I think it is unfair to call it reclusive behaviour.

I have CFS/ME and I can only go out in the evening very rarely, and it takes a shot of caffeine to enable me to, which then affects my sleep and a day or two of recovery afterwards. There are many people with it far worse than me. She mentioned chronic depression and fatigue further up.

It’s all too easy, whether you’re 19 as I was or 69. Love is, unfortunately, blind to the bleedin’ obvious.
It may be that OP has been made like this by her husband to suit his preferences, or he’s been made like he is by her reclusive behaviour. We can’t tell.