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I need him

(91 Posts)
Tabby555 Thu 11-May-23 00:22:53

I don’t know what to do.I’m always in 2 minds about my partner. Sometimes he is very supportive. But he can also be quite nasty to me verbally.At the same time I still love him and need him.I’m just wondering if anyone else on here been in a similar situation or is in similar situation.Where they feel in 2 minds about their partner. On the one hand he can be nice and kind. But on the other hand he can be almost like mentally obusive.I wish I was strong enough to part from him but I’m not.It would be so good to be able to chat to someone going through similar situation.

Redhead56 Thu 11-May-23 01:19:33

No you don’t need him he has convinced you that you will not function without him he has conditioned you. Find a way to make a break you have one life live it on your own terms.

BlueBelle Thu 11-May-23 04:31:49

Always a worry if someone says I NEED him or her
He behaves as he wants towards you because you ve never challenged it so he has you where he needs you
Only you can change it

mumofmadboys Thu 11-May-23 08:07:01

Can you tell him if he is rude or abusive? Let him know it is not acceptable. Tell him firmly but calmly. Good luck

Caramme Thu 11-May-23 08:56:12

I used to think exactly that. But then my ex pushed me too far by having an affair. He was so proud of himself! I was devastated, certain I wouldn’t be able to cope without him. I had an awful 6 months, and a challenging year. But then I realised I wasn’t missing him at all, that I was actually better on my own. What had been holding me back was fear, lack of self confidence. I look back now am appalled that I didn’t take responsibility for my own life several years earlier. I know that if he hadn’t had that affair I might, even now, still be with him, grinding along in a miserable life with a partner who lost no opportunity to make me feel bad. How odd that I should be grateful for my ex’s blatant infidelity. Don’t be like me. Don’t waste any more time. Life, as they say, is too short. You will not regret taking control of yours.

Shelmiss Thu 11-May-23 09:09:57

Run. Just go now. Anyone who is verbally abusive is not truly “nice and kind”. I’ve been there. For 5 and a half awful years. Life changed so much for the better when I left.

Also, it’s not you. It’s him. Don’t be fooled into believing that everything is your fault, when he gets nasty.

Curtaintwitcher Thu 11-May-23 09:24:31

There was a time when wives had no choice but to put up with their partner's treatment no matter what. Things are different now. Any kind of abuse is grounds for divorce. There are organisations which give help and advise to women in your situation. They will help you make a new life for yourself.

midgey Thu 11-May-23 09:25:49

Go before something happens that means you really can’t! No one knows what’s around the corner but at least you can take charge of your life.

henetha Thu 11-May-23 09:42:03

The more you put up with the unkindness the worse he will be.
You will be amazed how well you can survive on your own.

Sago Thu 11-May-23 09:44:37


Forsythia Thu 11-May-23 09:48:17

I’ve never had experience of this but alarm bells ring for me when a person says they need somebody. As much as I love my husband, I don’t ‘need’ him. We are an equal partnership. If your partner is abusive then he has the upper hand and you either tackle him about it, leave him, or continue to put up with it. But don’t tell him that you need him. It’s unhealthy.

JaneJudge Thu 11-May-23 09:48:37

If you are in a domestically abusive situation it might help you to contact womens aid to talk it through with them. It's not simple for us to tell you to leave

Shelmiss Thu 11-May-23 09:52:06

Reading this book changed everything for me:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men - by Lundy Bancroft.

Wyllow3 Thu 11-May-23 09:54:59


please go. I was frightened too I felt I could not live without him because with the mixture of "love-bombing" and undermining I was hooked - oh the adoration of those first years -

yes it is scary.

Yes it is hard to "find yourself after" because you've lost taels on who you are.

You are certainly not alone.

Wyllow3 Thu 11-May-23 09:57:30

lost tabs on who you are.

Look for support from Domestic Abuse.

I have had a counsellor, I've had to pay, but its made it possible.

(Quite a lot of people in Gransnet have posted on similar situations but had to get out via divorces and horrendous money situations - but either way, its never easy)

Shelmiss Thu 11-May-23 09:58:15


If you are in a domestically abusive situation it might help you to contact womens aid to talk it through with them. It's not simple for us to tell you to leave

Yes JaneJudge this is very true. My first instinct was to tell you to go....but I didn't just go, I made a plan. Once I woke up to what was actually happening, I was able to start thinking more clearly and started to plan a way out. That's the best way forward I think.

BigBertha1 Thu 11-May-23 09:59:06

RUN FOR IT or if you can't do it immediately due to finances start planning to leave and especially financially - get some legal advice too.

Wyllow3 Thu 11-May-23 09:59:07

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 11-May-23 10:08:20

What exactly is it that you ‘need’ from him? He sounds like someone I would need like a hole in the head. If you are ‘always in two minds about him’ you don’t love him, and it doesn’t sound as though he loves you either. Face the facts.

eazybee Thu 11-May-23 10:10:05

What he feels for you is contempt, in that you allow him to treat you as he wishes. Once someone views you with contempt they don't change.
You are right to want to break the relationship but it won't be easy. Put a big a distance between him and you, and fill your life, with work, activities, friends, anything to replace the need you have for him. Do everything you can to improve your self esteem. One day you will look back from a happier place, believe me, and wonder why you tolerated his treatment for so long, but for now it won't be easy.

glammanana Thu 11-May-23 10:16:26

Start making plans to go get all your finances in line and all the paper work you need,do you own your property or does he have have his name on the mortgage/rental if only in your name tell him you want him out,do you have any family who can be with you when you tell him don't be frightened of him.
Start by seeking advice from any of the Domestic Advice charities they will steer you in the right direction.Best of luck flowers

Aldom Thu 11-May-23 10:33:50

Lots of excellent advice here.
Just remember.... You are stronger than you think you are.
Good luck, and best wishes, whatever you decide is right for your situation.

Jaxjacky Thu 11-May-23 10:44:42

You posted two years ago Tabby555, same situation. I recall your name. Lots of excellent advice was given then, I assume you’re still with the same person?

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 11-May-23 10:48:50

A bit pointless giving the same advice all over again then. Waste of everyone’s time.

Smileless2012 Thu 11-May-23 10:58:36

I hope you'll find the courage and determination to leave this abusive man and take control of your life and be truly happyflowers.