I need him

Germanshepherdsmum

You’ve voiced my feelings about never going out pascal. That must mean never going to the doctor, dentist, hairdresser, doing any shopping, having a drink or a meal out, visiting family or friends. It amounts to self neglect and yes, terribly hard to live with. I think the most caring of partners would find it unbearably frustrating to live with a recluse and that would spill over into anger. Only the OP can change this and the doctor is the first port of call.

This is complex. And fascinating psychologically, if it didnt hurt so much for all of those who've had relevant experiences.

Yes, of course thats one definitely possible scenario GSM:

But for some abusive partners thats exactly how they want their abused ones - totally dependant. And they weren't like that when they met.

I was never that bad (went to hairdresser, some times out, the library and so in in my own car, I kept the finances paid (indeed supplied most of them)

but in retrospect it suited my abusive ex well, as he was not sociable himself and had someone - me - who believed I could not live alone always there to meet his needs.

I think there are so many variations in reality rather than a wrong or right way of seeing it all.

But one BIG question I've tried to address in counselling..

How could I, 70's feminist et al, get emotionally pulled in to being abused as a woman? In a second marriage too, when the first wasn't abusive? What was it in me the allowed it to happen? That made me refuse to see the obvious? That avoided confrontation and challenge?

Tabby555 I have chronic depression and fatigue and never go out.
This indicates why you have found it even harder to leave. I don't know whether your depression is treated, and if you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME, but with both these it often seems impossible to make life changing decisions and that it is best to stay put; I understand this as I have both (plus Type 1 diabetes, which complicates things too!).

BUT I do live on my own, and have managed for many years, and it is easier rather than more difficult. It is easy to get in odd job people for physical things you can't do; your energy isn't used up by the nightmare of a relationship; you can choose when to eat, sleep, get up, go out etc. I think once you leave you will realise how energy-sapping his sort of treatment of you is!

There is excellent advice up the thread, especially the advice to plan before leaving the relationship. Think outside the box. Write down all the things he does for you and brainstorm other ways of getting this support, and even if you actually want/need some of them. Sometimes you are made to feel you need something done; question that.

Get legal advice, health advice, counselling, financial advice. Build up your confidence gradually. I don't know for sure, but I think just the process of starting to do this and finding alternatives will boost your self esteem.

Here's brief description of how I do things. My CFS/ME is debilitating, but I am lucky that I can boost myself with coffee, so I can do a few of the fun things I used to do, with recovery time in between. Another lady I know who has ME is able to pace herself to prepare to go out. For depression I take prescribed medication and have done for a long time. I'm not ashamed of taking it; it allows me to live my life (does your partner criticise you if you take medication?). I'm lucky that I own my house outright, and I'm very frugal day-to-day. I have a small garden which I love, and Facebook enables me to keep up with family and friends if I'm not able to go out.

It's not always easy, but whenever I think about it I know that I wouldn't swap it for living with someone even if they were not abusive as your partner is.

A small thing that I've been doing recently to boost my self esteem/mental health and to stop feeling I have to please people all the time (I suspect you are a 'people-pleaser' too!) is to spend about 15 minutes each morning writing down three things I am grateful for, and listening to a guided meditation. It has helped a lot!

Please don't continue to let this man sap your health and energy. Good luck!

Germanshepherdsmum

You’ve voiced my feelings about never going out pascal. That must mean never going to the doctor, dentist, hairdresser, doing any shopping, having a drink or a meal out, visiting family or friends. It amounts to self neglect and yes, terribly hard to live with. I think the most caring of partners would find it unbearably frustrating to live with a recluse and that would spill over into anger. Only the OP can change this and the doctor is the first port of call.

Quite..

And this explains exactly why the OP needs him - he must have to do everything that involves leaving the house. Agoraphobia has set in and won’t go away without treatment.

You’ve voiced my feelings about never going out pascal. That must mean never going to the doctor, dentist, hairdresser, doing any shopping, having a drink or a meal out, visiting family or friends. It amounts to self neglect and yes, terribly hard to live with. I think the most caring of partners would find it unbearably frustrating to live with a recluse and that would spill over into anger. Only the OP can change this and the doctor is the first port of call.

I think you need to confront him about his aggressive behaviour and tell him it makes you even more insecure.f you dare.
If you don't dare then that shows what your relationship is like and you need to do something to put yourself in a place where you can look after your needs mental and physical first.
Being a couple is a partnership not a drudge for either of you.
Ask him why he talks to you like he does, you might get a surprise and be able to do something about it..

Germanshepherdsmum

Did you see the GP about your depression and anxiety as I advised two years ago?

Ithink that is the key to it GSM.. the OP does say that her partner is supportive and helpful and frankly it must be very difficult living with someone who never goes out and is depressed.. OP does IMO need to take some resposibilty for changing her life... it sounds grim for both of them.

Did you see the GP about your depression and anxiety as I advised two years ago?

Tabby555 you'll need some good support to separate. A lot of what you say was similar for me, I certainly understood the alone at night fears.
Trouble is, this relationship is undermining any stronger bits.

Because I let Ex do so much for me I was disempowered lost further confidence. so yes, they "do stuff for you" but look at the cost.

However in the end he was so outrageously threatening (including extreme MH stuff on his part) that it was easier to be alone. And I struggle but have found I was not what he had convinced me I was. Be prepared for the unexpected - like grieving -for few relationships are that one sided -and of course many around you will say, "but you are well rid etc etc why upset".
It was only in retrospect that I realised the huge numbers of small put downs, the lies, the reality denial. Work in progress Tabby but we only have one life.

Thank you for all the kind supportive messages.What makes it even harder is the fact he also does a lot for me I can’t manage myself.I have chronic depression and fatigue and never go out. Due to social anxiety.I do stand up to him but he either ignores me,says I’m over reacting or somehow turns it on me making out I’m to blame.I really do try to be assertive but he turns it on me to.He always finds some way to shut me down or make me feel guilty.Also what makes it so hard is he is alot of the time very supportive and kind.He shuts me down by saying I don’t want an argument.I know it’s hard to really understand unless you have been or are going through a similar situation yourself.Thank you for all the supportive messages.

I also remember your post saying you needed advice.and you didn’t want to be alone, if he’s being abusive he’s not a kind person, I’m not saying it’s easy to get out, but it’s also not doing your health, self confidence etc any good either staying with a man that has no respect for you. I do hope you can find some peace in whatever you decide to do.

I am not going to look back at previous thread.

But I suspect part of the "need" is him saying he loves her, every so often.
That can keep people sweet for ages, from what little I know.

I have looked at the OP’s thread from two years ago. She said she was scared to be alone especially at night. Presumably that’s the ‘need’. She had lots of advice then, including I see from me, Despite all the advice, nothing’s changed. Nor, I suspect, will it.

From my personal experience it takes a lot of courage to rid yourself of a controlling rat.
I hope the OP musters up enough strength to finally do so she won't regret it.

Germanshepherdsmum

A bit pointless giving the same advice all over again then. Waste of everyone’s time.

Not necessarily GSM. I haven't got your strength of purpose. Or degree of pressures, I know it was awful for you. (other thtread we discussed)

You assess the situation as the O/P has, post, get advice, start standing up for yourself and them the abuser notices and makes nice or the fear just gets too much and you retreat.

Then re visit when it kicks off again.

As it happens I did get out as it got to police and all and followed it through as threats were dire

but so many women return and return even then - even after a divorce - its a classic.

Germanshepherdsmum it is most definitely NOT a waste of time.

Some people need to revisit ideas many, many, many times before they have the strength and courage to believe change is possible, and then act.
If your sense of yourself is ground away it doesn't magically reappear.

I'd say good for you Tabby555 for revisiting the I wish I was strong enough to part from him thoughts.
You are strong enough- you just need to believe in yourself.
As others here have testified you can change things. You may not yet be up to "full strength" but with a little support, I believe you are stronger than you think!
💐
Good luck.

I hope you'll find the courage and determination to leave this abusive man and take control of your life and be truly happy.

A bit pointless giving the same advice all over again then. Waste of everyone’s time.

You posted two years ago Tabby555, same situation. I recall your name. Lots of excellent advice was given then, I assume you’re still with the same person?

Lots of excellent advice here.
Just remember.... You are stronger than you think you are.
Good luck, and best wishes, whatever you decide is right for your situation.

Start making plans to go get all your finances in line and all the paper work you need,do you own your property or does he have have his name on the mortgage/rental if only in your name tell him you want him out,do you have any family who can be with you when you tell him don't be frightened of him.
Start by seeking advice from any of the Domestic Advice charities they will steer you in the right direction.Best of luck

What he feels for you is contempt, in that you allow him to treat you as he wishes. Once someone views you with contempt they don't change.
You are right to want to break the relationship but it won't be easy. Put a big a distance between him and you, and fill your life, with work, activities, friends, anything to replace the need you have for him. Do everything you can to improve your self esteem. One day you will look back from a happier place, believe me, and wonder why you tolerated his treatment for so long, but for now it won't be easy.

What exactly is it that you ‘need’ from him? He sounds like someone I would need like a hole in the head. If you are ‘always in two minds about him’ you don’t love him, and it doesn’t sound as though he loves you either. Face the facts.

www.regain.us/advice/marriage/6-effects-of-living-with-a-narcissist-husband/

RUN FOR IT or if you can't do it immediately due to finances start planning to leave and especially financially - get some legal advice too.