Husbands disability threatening family harmony

MerylStreep

Hithere

Or ask for another SW and report this one

What’s the point. The SW is only following instructions from above.

Social workers and the care system are under such pressure that if a family says yes, they can cope, the social worker will be relieved.

However, if the patient needing care is the one to refuse it, then those expected to do the caring must speak up and say No, we cannot manage.

I agree with Far North. Make peace with your son as well as you are able to do so. The situation is dire and you need all the moral support you can get. Probably so does your son.

Make piece with your son, your children are not responsible for looking after their father.

This is a standard thing for Social Workers to suggest even though they know the strain that the caring puts on adult children. However, they can tick a box and say that they have 'helped'. When you look at how much work there is for them to set up a care package for people who don't want strangers in, you can see why.

It is not your children's responsibility to care for their father and it is unreasonable for your husband to decide he doesn't like carers and it is up to his family to care for him. Would he say that he didn't want Nurses and Doctors to look after him in hospital? No, because he has no choice. I am afraid to say that if he has the choice to say no now, he will continue to take advantage of your good nature to your detriment.

If he were my husband, I would be sitting him down and telling him in no uncertain terms that I can't cope with all his care but I would do what I could. Maybe have a conversation about what things your husband really doesn't feel happy about, agree to do what you can and reassure him about what you can't do. On that basis you need to hire in help in order to protect your own wellbeing. Be kind, be firm and don't give in.

The thought of strangers taking care of your needs is worse that the actual experience once you get used to it.

It’s completely unfair to voluntell your adult children, who have young families of their own that they are now responsible for sharing the caregiving duties for their father.

I mean, let’s look at basic logistics: how far away do they live? Do both they and their spouses work? What hours? What professions are they in? How old are their children, and how many? How many vehicles do they have, and in what condition? Do both spouses drive?

I’ll use my family as an example. Kids ranging from teens to single digits at home. I work from home. Husband out the door for work not long after dawn. Husband is in bed before the kids. I don’t drive, no public transport.

Where would we have time to fit in extra caregiving’s duties? During the week, my husband sees the kids a few hours a day. Weekends are grocery shopping, errand running, and cramming in as much time as we can with the kids, plus the teens wanting rides to friends and activities.

And our schedule really isn’t much different from other families we know. We’re not out having ‘hobby time’ as a previous poster suggested. Our big luxury on the weekend is taking turns for a nap!

I get why OP’s son yelled. The idea that someone was loading more onto his plate, without his knowledge or consent? I’d probably yell too.

How I wish I had had your chidren's courage when my mother became infirm and demanding!

You cannot and should not expect your children to help in this situation.

What you should have done was firstly to report this inept social worker to his superior and not acted upon his ridiculous suggestion.

After that you should have sat down with a piece of paper and a pencil and made a list of the things your husband either is now unable to do, or unwilling to do.

Under each item write whether you can actually do these things for him if he cannot do them, and if you are prepared to do them, if it is a case of him not wanting to do them.

You say he doesn't like carers - many people do not, but does he want to see you become ill from overwork?

If he needs carers and they can be got, I am sadly afraid he will have to come to terms with having them in his life. This is not what he wants, nor what you want, but the situation seems to call for it.

The only other option is that he goes into a care home, which I am sure neither of you want, and which you may not be able to afford.

I realise you promised to love and cherish him in sickness and in health - but so did he promise you. The onus is not only on the healthy spouse to care for the infirm one. The ill spouse has a duty to his wife too!

You and he need to discuss how you as a couple can face this sad change in your lifestyle and circumstances. Once you have tackled that hurdle, get in touch with your daughter and your son and apologise for acting on an incompetant social worker's suggestion and tell them what you have in place.

It is natural that you are stressed and worried and made a mistake. Presumably, your children are mature enough to accept a sincere apology. Their reactions could be seen as signs that they too are emotionally affected by their father's state of health and said things they perhaps regretted immediately.

Where is the OP?

I'd guess the OP is kept busy struggling single-handedly with her husband's unreasonable demands.
I hope I'm wrong.

Hello
Everyone
Thank you for all your comments
The majority of you think I should not expect any help from my AC
I have to say I am a bit shocked at this and I do respect your point of view but basically, I am just a 65 year old who is exhausted and my AC reaction is very unkind
I was comforted by a few of you who understood my predicament
I will not ask my AC for help ever again but carers are not the solution quite either as carers can’t be with you all the time and there is a lot more care to do / give when the carers have finished their shift
So I guess it will have to be a care home in the end and we will have to cope with the financial burden somehow
Also I hope that would give me some rest and relief and as unkind as it may sound , I would not want to visit dh every day as I would find that too depressing
Has anybody out there been in that situation ? ( husband in care home )

Many years ago (1970s) when my gran was in her 90s and still fiercely independent but having poor mobility, my mother and her two sisters took it in turns to go in each day. However they all lived within a few minutes walk of one another. There were no "care packages" in those days and the duty fell on relatives.

Mumsnet is full of accounts of how social workers (like the one in this story) try to foist off caring duties on relatives if they can. And it is full of advice to stand firm and for the adult children to put their own family/jobs/responsibilities first.

Social Services will do their best to guilt trip adult children, relatives or even neighbours into taking on caring responsibilities for elderly people. Dont fall for it.

I will not ask my AC for help ever again but carers are not the solution quite either as carers can’t be with you all the time and there is a lot more care to do / give when the carers have finished their shift
But dear lady your children can’t be with you all the time either and they certainly won’t be there in evenings/ nights early mornings etc etc my goodness your son and daughter, with presumably, families, jobs etc of their own couldn’t possible offer you the kind of help you sound as if you need, which sounds to be considerable .
You need a proper care package for your husband or maybe a care home I don’t know what his problems are as I don’t know what your other thread was about but from what you ve said today you’re two children wouldn't possible be able to do enough
You are being cross with them unfairly

I agree you are being unfair to your children, but I also think your husband is unfair to you. If you are even thinking of a care home your husband must need a great deal of help.

No, it is not unkind not to visit daily

You are a person too and you matter.

I wonder why you think it is OK for your husband to say he doesn't like/want carers, but it's not OK for your ACs to say they don't want to be carers? Why should his views over rule theirs?
People quite often don't like the idea of carers but when faced with them discover there are people they really get on with and like. Try a care package and see how it goes, if it doesn't work out you can then look at care homes.

Hithere

Op

This is more than the demands of care

1. You do not get along very well with your daughter- for years now
2. Your husband is 17 years older than you
3. He doesn't pay attention to his grandchildren at all
4. You are on anti-depressants and your gp recommended you to take a vacation alone and get some distance from him

I wonder what kind of person he is and how pleasant it is to be around him

Your husband is being very selfish. He wants his son and daughter to look after him depriving his grandchildren of their parents’ time.

For once Glorianny, I’m in complete agreement with you. It’s very unfair to expect children to help with a parent’s care. Don’t they have enough on their plates already?

Hi. A couple things strike me here. I looked after my parents and father in law for ten years as a full time care 'for family' and it nearly killed me. That was five years ago and I am still reeling mentally and physically from the sheer burnout. You must ask yourself if this is what you want of yourself when you are getting towards 70? You are also a person and are entitled to your health and mental stability at least. I would be sorely tempted just to clear off somewhere to the coast for a week and let your adult children and husband deal with the situation themselves and see what the result is. I am sorry but I don't buy this 'the adult children are too busy/don't want to get involved etc'. What kind of people are they? On the other hand your husband sounds like a stubborn old boy (a bit like my father in law) and you must ask yourself how far does my duty go and inner peace to satisfy his stubbornness. Please get help and make a decision that suits you too. Please don't accept your son shouting at you. It sounds as if he has lost control and is terrified of facing 'real life'. How did our ancestors get through 2 world wars in a 30 year gap> Grit - they just got on with it.

We should not expect help from our children. It’s grossly unfair. What we can’t manage to do ourselves we should pay for - and that includes going into a care home if need be.

I experienced a difficult time looking after my mum when she was ill. It can be such a stressful time and your husband's stubborn pride is no help. He needs a talking to and you do have to seek a care package. There is no alternative your son and daughter do have their own commitments.
Talk to your son and daughter don't let this ruin your relationship.

Adult children may not be physically responsible for looking after elderly parents but they should know exactly what is going on and why if they wish to remain part of the family unit. Fair enough, if they have busy lives themselves, they can call in, Facetime, offer support and advice and maybe the odd day off for you. Because, at the end of the day if they care they will find a way. My aunty was extremely ill and her grandson and wife took over the responsibility of making sure she was alright in her extreme old age by visiting, acting as a champion and being there in her final days. As we decline, we do need someone to fight out corner because we may develop dementia, become immobile, go blind, etc. Who is going to make those phone calls to get in a care package or check out a care home if our spouse is no longer around or not able themselves? Surely, the children/family have to step in? If not, it is a sad situation we find ourselves in.

Sago

Get a care package.
You cannot expect your children to take on the care.

Yep, very expensive,, wonder how much unpaid childcare this poor couple did for their kids.

I can think of nothing more embarrassing than having my owns AC helping me to shower/wash/dress (if I needed that help), change my inco pad (if I wore them).
Your OH is is being very unreasonable in expecting your son and daughter to step in to provide his care, they have their own families and responsibilities and both evidently see the indignity in providing personal care to their dear dad.
It is one thing taking him out for an hour or keeping him company for a while at home, wiping his backside is a totally different matter.

It isn't unkind if your husband needs to go into care, if you don't visit every day Notjustaprettyface especially when you consider that if he was willing to have carers coming into your home, it may not have been necessary.

Have you experienced carers coming in? If not, you wont be aware of how much help they can provide which will in turn make life easier for you and wouldn't it be better to try this first?

You're in a very difficult position and it's a pity that your husband doesn't seem to be able to see the affect all of this is having on you.

You make some excellent points LRavenscroft especially regarding support in terms of offering advice and support by popping in, and maybe giving the OP some time off from time to time during the day.

Help can take many forms GSM. It doesn't necessarily mean being available on a daily or even weekly basis.

OP, do you or your husband have siblings you could talk to? That might help help you to see things in the round, and maybe they could even talk to him and persuade him of the importance of getting outside help.

Also, do you have the 'aids' and adaptations you need to make life easier for both of you.

And do see what you can do to rebuild good relations with your son. That seems the most important of all.