Husbands disability threatening family harmony

LRavenscroft

Adult children may not be physically responsible for looking after elderly parents but they should know exactly what is going on and why if they wish to remain part of the family unit. Fair enough, if they have busy lives themselves, they can call in, Facetime, offer support and advice and maybe the odd day off for you. Because, at the end of the day if they care they will find a way. My aunty was extremely ill and her grandson and wife took over the responsibility of making sure she was alright in her extreme old age by visiting, acting as a champion and being there in her final days. As we decline, we do need someone to fight out corner because we may develop dementia, become immobile, go blind, etc. Who is going to make those phone calls to get in a care package or check out a care home if our spouse is no longer around or not able themselves? Surely, the children/family have to step in? If not, it is a sad situation we find ourselves in.

if they do care they will find a way.

My son doesn’t live nearby, has a wife and baby and works on average 70 hours a week. He calls me at least once a week to ensure I’m ok. Of course I always say I’m fine whatever the reality. I wouldn’t dream of asking for help if I needed it. I have had my life. If I have to pay for care so be it, though I don’t intend to live beyond that stage. Can anyone here imagine having their child wipe their backside? I certainly can’t - nor my husband or anyone else.

Totally with you GSM - if someone has to wipe my bottom ( and I sincerely hope not) then I would like this person to call me Mrs CLG, or CLG, not Mum.

I agree with everyone here I don’t want my children having to ruin their lives by looking after me

Sad to read your post notjustaprettyface and I’ve read your earlier thread. Not very impressed and I’m not at all surprised you’re struggling!

Your DH may be scared and angry, and whilst waiting for a diagnosis of his condition, anxious about the future. But he also sounds as if he’s in denial. Do you matter at all? Are you invisible? Who is his main career, keeping him, the house, yourself and a life afloat? Ask him.
Is he honestly hoping/assuming that his worn down Wife is just going to cope with everything, indefinitely?
It’s him who needs to be on the other end of The Conversation, not your children; facing up to the harsh realities and making proper plans for help for you both.
No one truly wants a Carer, but ‘not liking’ the thought of additional help to ensure that he and you are safe and coping is truly not an option now … unless you can afford to buy in a bespoke service which meets with his approval.
Tell him, you are barely managing now but you’d like to feel you can look after him longer with organised help. There’s no other way. You need some free time and possibly respite care sometime. Get Social Services to act on a proper assessment and ignore any nonsense from your DH. The moment you keel over, he’ll be at risk and carted off somewhere he’ll possibly not like, so he needs to man up, think of himself AND you. Life is bound to feel easier once you’re less tired and put upon. Please act on some of the good advice you’ve received on Gransnet and it’s highly likely your children will regret their initial reaction towards your news, with calm again being restored.
Be strong and get on and organise everything you are offered. 💐

Looking back through previous posts, i can see that you have a hard row to hoe. I think by habit and years of action, you have got into the way of being the answer to everybody's problems. Now the time has come to assert yourself and think about your needs. Otherwise you too will become ill.

I think the first thing you should do is apologise to your children. Explain tothem the pressure their father and the social workers put you under for you to have sapoken as you did.

Then tell your DH that the children simply cannot provide the care he needs they have their own families, not to mention jobs to do. Explain also that you cannot provide the help he needs that you too are old and struggling under the burden of caring for him. Tell him that he needs to accept carers or to care for himslef. Contact Social Services, complain about the advice you received and ask them to come back and fully assess your husband's needs and provide a care package.