Problem DiL

Go for the two weeks and be glad they still want you to visit.

I understand your concern if your DIL was drinking to excess, but frankly if I had been her, I would not be inviting you back!

What she does in her own home is not your business, is it?

And no-one will stop drinking because her mother-in-law mentions it, so please think hard about how you will react if she drinks during your next visit.

In my childhood my maternal grandmother spend the eight weeks of her school holiday, she was a teacher, visiting us, as we lived in Scotland and she lived in Denmark. Then we didn't see her again until next year.

Three times in the 14 years of my childhood (she died when I was 14) we went to her for the fortnight of my father's annual summer holiday. And twice for truly memorable visits she came at Christmas for ten days.

That was in the 1960s, and I sincerely doubt anyone would pay such long visits now. I would not want a visitor staying here for three weeks, or longer, however much I liked the person.

The amount of time you spend in someone else’s home is not yours to decide. The fact that you don’t know this tells me your DIL is likely justified in desire to have you in her space less.

Also, her drinking is not your business. Your son will deal with his wife in the manner they both see fit. You seem like you meddle and that’s not a strong quality to have if you desire better relations. Also, please keep in mind that she may be increasing her drinking to cope with your presence. Try seeing things from other people’s perspective. It’s not just about what you want here. No one wants to spend weeks on end with a critical mother in law in their home. It’s never a desirable situation. Learn to be a proper guest, hold your tongue, and accept the gracious two week visit.

They’re both dead now, but if either of my mothers-in-law had ever come to stay for six weeks, I’d have been drinking gin all day every day too.

lyleLyle

Also, her drinking is not your business. Your son will deal with his wife in the manner they both see fit. You seem like you meddle and that’s not a strong quality to have if you desire better relations. Also, please keep in mind that she may be increasing her drinking to cope with your presence. Try seeing things from other people’s perspective. It’s not just about what you want here. No one wants to spend weeks on end with a critical mother in law in their home. It’s never a desirable situation. Learn to be a proper guest, hold your tongue, and accept the gracious two week visit.

Agreed.

I'm not at all in favor of the older generation invading homes of younger people. Perhaps a hotel? Hotels have been invented.

Love the idea of getting a hotel or AirBnB for part or all of the trip. I’m not a fan of anyone of any age invading others’ homes for weeks at a time without all parties 100% comfortable lol. It’s not polite. I love all of my children, grandchildren and my DILs/SIL. I don’t want them staying with me for weeks at a time. A week or so will suffice for any wanted guest

it would depend on the distance though, someone coming from the other side of the world is unlikely to think a week or even two is sufficient to justify the expense and long flight/s.

If someone has a short flight or drive then of course, the stay would be shorter. I quite understand OP and hope things work out for them all.

silverlining48

it would depend on the distance though, someone coming from the other side of the world is unlikely to think a week or even two is sufficient to justify the expense and long flight/s.

If someone has a short flight or drive then of course, the stay would be shorter. I quite understand OP and hope things work out for them all.

At this point the distance is irrelevant to the people who actually get to decide the length of stay, which is the son and DIL. It’s their home. The OP doesn’t get to negotiate here, especially because her future visits were cut short due to her own behavior. I hope OP accepts that being the critical/meddling mother in law is not conducive to a positive relationship, and behaves accordingly going forward.

Distance is a constraint that cannot be changed

Now, where to stay during the visit - there are options

If anybody feels these long flights "deserve" more than 2 weeks - questions but ok

You can stay in your own airbnb and see the family when it is convenient for all

Do your own tourist route, pursue something that interest you on your own

If you cannot afford it?
Then scale down and plan what you can afford without imposing that on others and making that their problem to solve

Questionable, not questions

If the invitation is for two weeks then that is what it has to be. If you try to stay longer than are wanted then it may be that you won't get invited at all.

Davida1968

IMO two weeks is too long to stay with others, or to have ANY visitors to stay, unless for a special reason. (Such as helping out with a new baby or due to illness.) Just saying.

Yes, I agree. And looking at the situation from the other side, I would absolutely loath having anyone stay here with us for more than a couple of nights.

But 8000 miles is a long way very expensive too and personally I wouldn’t go that distance for a week or 10 days, Jetlag would take up half the week to recover from.
It’s different if it’s a short journey when a few days is fine, half way across the world is quite another thing.
Wishing you well OP.

Unfortunately the title is misleading, you are the problem MIL you do not have a problem DIL, you criticised her in her own home about her drinking, which was none of your business.
They have said you can go for two weeks, but you want three and you ask should you go as it is not what I want. I notice this thread is about I and not what your Son and DIl wants.
Go for the two weeks,enjoy it and don't upset your DIl.

Your comment that you will ‘have to lump it’ says everything about your feelings of entitlement to a nice long holiday. You are not entitled to visit. You do so on their terms. Or not at all.

I think my DiL would drink if I stayed with her and DS twice a year or even once a year. I think it’s very generous of your DiL to have you to stay twice a year. Think yourself lucky and stop criticising her if you want another invitation. You really are lucky but 2 weeks is quite enough.

Has the OP been back or have we scared her off good and proper?

It was a fairly innocent question but she's certainly been telt

I now wonder if my plan to go to NZ for a month is too much!
They stay with me for several weeks at a time and I don't mind being used as a base. I lent them my car for the time they were here and beyond. We have a good relationship at least I hope we do
I think it depends on whether there is space, plenty to do, and good weather

Madkaty

After Covid I stayed for six weeks which was too long I know.
My dil was ( and still is) drinking neat gin throughout the day most days. My son is aware and admitted it was causing problems but will always go with whatever she says and I respect that. I think I’ll lump it and go for two weeks at Christmas and see how it goes. Thanks for your comments x

Goodness.

If I were your dil I'd be drinking Prosecco from breakfast orange juice until bedtime. Thinking dil should 'lump it' is not kind.

I can’t imagine even my son and daughter in law staying for two or three weeks, let alone six. I would get through an awful lot of alcohol if it were an in-law. To the point of oblivion, to prevent murder being committed.

It would seem youll have to realize it a simply not all about you huh ? You’d daughter in law AND YOUR SON seem to be willing , despite your transgressions , to have your for two weeks and that’s it. Seems the only choice you have is to take it or leave it. I can’t imagine being able to tolerate any guest longer than that and certainly not one who clearly doesn’t like me , your daughter in law deserves a medal

OP said that SHE would lump it, not that her dil should!

Germanshepherdsmum

I can’t imagine even my son and daughter in law staying for two or three weeks, let alone six. I would get through an awful lot of alcohol if it were an in-law. To the point of oblivion, to prevent murder being committed.

For people with family on the other side of the world, there is often no choice but to have parents, or kids, or grandkids, staying for longer periods.

My parents aways came for 3 weeks at a time. In the Summer, with time being spent outdoors and in garden, it was ok. They always took themselves off for a few days in the middle. And we got on very well, even though dad was a bit fussy about strict meal times. At Christmas, they always came to us for 3 weeks- as we could never travel at this time, and it was so lovely for the kids to have their grand-parents- but it could feel a bit long, as mostly stuck inside. But so many happy memories.

DDs drinking to excess in front of young grand-daughter- is an issue, I can understand that. Especially if it alters her behaviour significantly- and it must be hard to not show concern.

Grams2five

It would seem youll have to realize it a simply not all about you huh ? You’d daughter in law AND YOUR SON seem to be willing , despite your transgressions , to have your for two weeks and that’s it. Seems the only choice you have is to take it or leave it. I can’t imagine being able to tolerate any guest longer than that and certainly not one who clearly doesn’t like me , your daughter in law deserves a medal

Indeed. Your dil deserves a medal for tolerance!

Norah

Grams2five

It would seem youll have to realize it a simply not all about you huh ? You’d daughter in law AND YOUR SON seem to be willing , despite your transgressions , to have your for two weeks and that’s it. Seems the only choice you have is to take it or leave it. I can’t imagine being able to tolerate any guest longer than that and certainly not one who clearly doesn’t like me , your daughter in law deserves a medal

Indeed. Your dil deserves a medal for tolerance!

How very unkind - certainly when you don't know the whole story.

But yes, OP, go for 3 weeks and take yourself off for the last week to visit the region or make a stop over, etc.

Fleurpepper

Norah

Grams2five

It would seem youll have to realize it a simply not all about you huh ? You’d daughter in law AND YOUR SON seem to be willing , despite your transgressions , to have your for two weeks and that’s it. Seems the only choice you have is to take it or leave it. I can’t imagine being able to tolerate any guest longer than that and certainly not one who clearly doesn’t like me , your daughter in law deserves a medal

Indeed. Your dil deserves a medal for tolerance!

How very unkind - certainly when you don't know the whole story.

But yes, OP, go for 3 weeks and take yourself off for the last week to visit the region or make a stop over, etc.

Her son and dil offered up two weeks, certainly more than necessary. And OP wasn't happy with that quite long offer.

How is it unkind to note their tolerance, based on OP quote.

Why in the world can't OP stay in a hotel? Been invented!