I feel emotionally detached from my kids and grandchildren.

DiamondLily

I didn't push anything - if they wanted me to babysit, it was my way.

As I said, it worked for my family - other families are different.

We're not really into dramas and fall outs.🙂

Well done you.

Wouldn't work here, our children raise theirs different to how we raised them. Consequently we do things their way. Thus no drama.

I didn't push anything - if they wanted me to babysit, it was my way.

As I said, it worked for my family - other families are different.

We're not really into dramas and fall outs.🙂

Agreed VS. Personally, when I give advice on family situations I try to give the advice I feel will lead to a harmonious outcome. We are talking about family, after all. Is it better to be right and feel validated in your ill feelings? Or is it better avoid unnecessary conflict? Seems this us (grans) vs them (young parents) mentality is just trouble. I certainly would do quite a few things differently than some of my offspring, but is anything really so serious that I’d allow it to consume me and block a genuine loving relationship? Absolutely not. It’s a matter of priorities I suppose. Love is just more important to me than someone else doing things the way I approve.

Sometimes these things are death by papercuts. How far should people push to have their own way?

If the final straw comes another family destroyed by bad advice

In this case, doesn’t seem like the young parents are so desperate for childcare. If OP wants to continue the visits, she should just go with the flow. Life is better when ego is set aside.

I think my house my rules is fine if all parties are accepting. But I don’t think it’s wise advice for others when the parents clearly want their children looked after a certain way. Going with the flow means not pushing back just for the sake of it.

"my house, my rules" seems fair enough DL and we see a lot of posts from GP's providing unpaid childcare who say the same.

Norah

DiamondLily If you're babysitting, then look after them as you feel best, you sound very responsible and caring. Kids love a bit of rough and tumble.

I think it's incumbent on GP to follow all rules (not as they feel best) - doing as the parents do for their children, whilst babysitting.

I'm cautious with our many GC, GGC, and GGGC - others may choose differently. However, I think the risk to upsetting parents is enormous.

Got to admit that it was " my house, my rules".

It might not work for all families, but I've ended up with everyone cheerful - GPs, ACs, in-laws, and adult GCs now.

We didn't do the "wisdom of the internet", we all just went with the flow.

But, it worked for us.🙂

We all have parental "instincts" but those are largely made up from what we have learned, what we have seen and what we have been told.

The same is true of younger parents, it's a combination of what they have learned, what they have seen and what they have been told.

If something reflected positively growing up they are likely to copy it, if something reflected as negative, they are likely to change it. They develop their own "instincts"

We have to remember that them going against our "instincts" is not a bad thing and just let them parent..

I’m in my 30s with a 5 and 3 year old and I think your DS and DIL sound a little odd OP.

Who doesn’t allow kids to have outdoor toys? I encourage ours into the garden as much as they’ll go. It means they’re making a mess in the garden and not the house! And everyone in the family plays rough and tumble with my kids it’s just part of normal playing with children.

We do take the kids to museum and the theatre, but child friendly ones, maybe they do the same? (There’s a brilliant national trust children’s museum in the Midlands) but also to soft plays and parks, and they still have a house full of toys. I don’t know any of my children’s friends parents who sounds like the OPs son & DIL so I do think they’re in the minority. But if the children are well cared for and happy then I think you just have to accept that they do things differently.

However, you say The five year old is scared of own shadow, has little confidence and is quite whiny and manipulative and seems to need the 3 year old for security, the 3 year old is quite Pleasant in nature but is often in the doghouse having been bubbled up for something by the 5 year old which provokes a reaction and a telling off by the parents. This sounds exactly like my 2, despite the parenting differences. The eldest is cautious and worries more but is more confident with the 3 year old around, and they’re forever winding each other up. It’s quite typical of siblings with this sort of age gap. As for your DS doing more housework, perhaps she does a lot more of the admin (finances, school stuff etc). Have you ever asked him why he doesn’t see his friends anymore?

I don’t think it’s that you don’t love them by the way, you obviously do as you worry about them. But more that they do things differently to you and you don’t feel very connected to them, I think that’s probably quite normal.

That sounds lovely lyleLyle.

Smileless2012

No I wasn't seeking your agreement lyleLyle or seeking to affect your opinion as it doesn't matter to me either way. Meaningless back and forth isn't my thing, but it looks as if it could be yours.

I'm sure I will have a nice day; you have one too .

I did, thank you! I spent the day looking after my youngest gc for my son and DIL, at their request, as they worked from home. I followed their rules and spent time enjoying the baby rather than judging their parents for things that aren’t my business. It was a great day, and I hope the OP can learn to do the same so that she may also enjoy days like that rather than rebelling against her DIL and son’s rules for their children .

The OP's d.i.l' response of "oh I'll pretend I didn't hear that" doesn't sound as if she's particularly concerned as presumably if she was, she'd have asked them not too.

DiamondLily If you're babysitting, then look after them as you feel best, you sound very responsible and caring. Kids love a bit of rough and tumble.

I think it's incumbent on GP to follow all rules (not as they feel best) - doing as the parents do for their children, whilst babysitting.

I'm cautious with our many GC, GGC, and GGGC - others may choose differently. However, I think the risk to upsetting parents is enormous.

Smileless2012

Welcome to GN WWWohW.

I think the first thing you need to do is forget about what's 'normal' when it comes to family relationships. Few parents I think have the same relationship with all of their children, and as it is with all relationships, a lot depends on personalities.

Just keep on doing what you're doing with one exception. Ask mum and dad for suggestions for presents then you wont see your current choices being re homed.

Keep on with what you're doing, seeing them when you can and entertaining the children the way you do when baby sitting. Try not to take the 'blame game' responses to heart. I found the post referring to you as baby sitters (you're the children's GP's) and not being happy with "rough and tumble" in their absence quite extraordinary.

Isn't that what GP's, especially grand fathers do with their GC?

The main thing is that you're maintaining a relationship with your son and his family, providing the opportunity for you to become closer with time.

You do care, if you didn't you wouldn't have posted so I think, maybe not consciously, that you're protecting yourself because your relationship with your son and d.i.l. isn't what you thought/hoped/imagined it would be, and differs to your other relationships.

Different isn't wrong, it's just different .

Well I agree with the "normal family" thing - what is normal?

Every family is different.

If you're babysitting, then look after them as you feel best, you sound very responsible and caring. Kids love a bit of rough and tumble.

If the adult children wish to flounce around, then let them.

Forget counselling - you haven't got the problem.

Forget the blame game - on some threads on here the GPS are always to blame.,,🙄

I saw this upon re-reading, DH even has a bit of rough and tumble with them, we feel it’s important to help them learn to risk assess for themselves. When the parents come back obviously the kids will tell the parents what we have been up to to which my DIL will say “oh I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that” and we feel like naughty children ourselves.

You appear to acknowledge you're going against the parents wishes - doing what you feel is important. Perhaps follow the parents lead?

Babysitters really should follow rules, even if only perceived rules, to be babysitting correctly, in my opinion.

No I wasn't seeking your agreement lyleLyle or seeking to affect your opinion as it doesn't matter to me either way. Meaningless back and forth isn't my thing, but it looks as if it could be yours.

I'm sure I will have a nice day; you have one too .

Smileless2012

No it absolutely doesn't lylLyle and isn't implicit either.

I’m sorry if you thought I was in any way seeking your agreement on the issue. I realize this sort of meaningless back and forth is your thing, but there is literally nothing you are going to be able to say that will in anyway affect my opinion. But have yourself a nice day!

No it absolutely doesn't lylLyle and isn't implicit either.

WhyWhyWhyohWhy, I rightly keep my opinions to myself because the way they live their lives and raise their kids has nothing to do with me but I do wonder if not feeling anything much for them is normal. Obviously there is a lot more I could mention but it’s not meant as a character assassination of them rather a why do I feel the way I do about them because I feel quite bad about it as we have other grandchildren that we feel differently about.

Good job - no opinions. Not everyone likes each other.

Keep on, sounds as if you've no problems!

Smileless2012

^suggesting that some people are blaming her, suggests there is "blame" to be laid elsewhere^ no, it doesn't suggest that at all when as you say lylLyle "blame isn't applicable to the situation".

It absolutely does. It’s implicit. Other descriptions could have been used. Using the term “blame” implies that it belongs somewhere, just not with the OP. You can disagree all you like.

I so agree lyleLyle

Why is struggling with these feelings and I hope is now feeling a bit better about it all

It's sad, but sometimes you just have to love people from a distance

suggesting that some people are blaming her, suggests there is "blame" to be laid elsewhere no, it doesn't suggest that at all when as you say lylLyle "blame isn't applicable to the situation".

Smileless2012

Some of the responses were blaming the OP lyeLyle.

Again, blame isn’t a term applicable to the situation. Pointing out that the OP’s feelings are her own responsibility isn’t blaming, it’s appropriate. She is responsible for her feelings. Her feelings are from her own misguided judgements. Suggesting that some people are “blaming” her also suggests that there is “blame” to be laid elsewhere. The introduction of the concept of blame unnecessarily creates this grandparent Vs young parent dynamic into the situation, which isn’t helpful. OP is asking for help processing these feelings, not a rallying mob to help her feel justified in her emotional distance.

Smileless2012

The OP wasn't being defensive VS.

I know