I feel emotionally detached from my kids and grandchildren.

When I can do nothing about a situation in our extended family I 'dissociate'/disconnect actively to protect myself. It's a survival strategy I had to learn because of a very challenging childhood. I am conscious that it can make me seem cold and detached but if there is something I can do to alleviate a challenging set of circumstances within the family then I know, from past and indeed current experience that they do talk to us if they are struggling and we will do our utmost to help working with other family members if necessary .......if we can.

I'm sorry to say this but they likely sense your feelings and that is why you are seeing less of them and aren't having that opportunity for closeness

The thing is that other people's different lifestyles aren't really a good reason to not care about them as long as they aren't actively engaging in behaviours towards you that are negative.

I think of you change your demeanor and support their lifestyle and parenting choices more than you would be rewarded with a closer relationship.

We don't raise children to live their lives in ways we approve of but to go forth and find their own routes to happiness. If they are happy, be happy for them

No, you do not keep your opinion to yourself when you do things the parents disagree with

When you babysitting, do you know what rules to follow?

You just have different personalities and dont mesh as well

What commonalities do you share with your son? I would cultivate those and strengthen the relationship with him

Everything else will follow that pattern

WhyWhyWhyohWhy, you obviously disapprove of the way they treat their children, also with the division of household chores - even the lack of garden toys. I really doubt that your attitudes and opinions are, in fact, kept to yourself. They are bound to show.

The detachment is a normal reaction. You can't adapt to join in with their 'normal' - or impose yours on them, so you withdraw instead and keep out of it.

You don't know that the 'kids are pretty bored and can be a handful' - you only know how they behave when you are present. Show me any 3 and 5 year olds who aren't a handful and then I'd worry.

'if I ask what they’ve done over the weekend they’ll say not a lot really' - exactly how I'd reply to a (nosy) parent, as I'd never tell them much in case they 'turned up' uninvited!

The answer to the question "how was your weekend" is similar - not a lot

I am not lying, it means it is a chill weekend and there is no plan, we are taking it easy

We rush so much during the week with everything that weekends may go with the flow
We may or not see friends, we may or not go to movies....

I feel too many people are trying to blame you for the problem, which is quite unfair.

We have no control over what our children are, genetic inheritance is a random throw of the dice and some children it can be difficult to understand and, even, love, even when you are their parent.. All you can do is treat them fairly and with kindness.

When children move from home and set up families, then their choice of spouse also comes into play in the relationship.

I think the simplest thing to do, is to accept how you feel, or do not feel, about your son and family and not worry about it. Feeling bad about yourself is a wasted emotion and should be banished from your mind and your vocabulary. I have often found that acceptance of a difficult situation and acknowledging the emotions that a problem can stir up can solve even difficult problems.

The only thing you must do is treat each of your children and their children equally, where presents and where possibly visiting time, and certainly money are spread evenly - and then just accept the way you feel. You are not the first to feel as you do, and you certainly will not be the last.

This may help you OP

Oh dear, someone else loading all the blame on the grabdparent/parent again.

We are extremely respectful of our kids space and never would turn up unannounced, and I’m seriously not nosey, it’s not my style. Usually I ask what they have been up to after being asked the same question by them out of politeness. We go along to meet on their terms, when we are invited. And I honestly do not give a flying fig what they do, their parenting techniques or lifestyle because I have a full life, secure relationships everywhere else. I am interested in their lives but am very much more interested in living my own with more years behind me than in front.
With regard to the kids being bored, they do vocalise that they are bored and that they don’t want to visit museums and theatres. They see what other kids have in their outdoor spaces and they want the same. I just feel partly that not caring is as much a part of the problem in that if I did care I would feel more than I do. I hope that makes sense.

I think you need to unpick this with professional help

Its very sad and if it can be at all helped so you don't have to feel guilty and your son and grandchildren feel loved, that's the only route I can advise

I don't think I'd recommend ever just walking away from child unless they were abusive to you

These children are aged 5 and 3! They are hardly more than babies. What are you talking about asking them if they want to visit museum s and theatres?

I would be alarmed if my children's babysitter was rough and tumbling with them when I wasn't there.

You say you have little in common. Nothing odd about that. You are a different generation but you sound disapproving of your DiL. Why shouldn't she visit her friends?

Crikey it’s rough in here this afternoon. Sorry WhyWhy that you’ve received the above comments, I can see you were looking for constructive, not blame and criticism. Perhaps that’s why so few of these situations are posted now.

I bet you wish you hadn't posted now, the same person , comes on here and thinks every grandparent is an abuser. You are judged be at fault whatever.
You try your best with your son and wife, I would just keep to their rules and way of parenting and say nothing. It's their lives and if it suits them that's all you can hope for. They keep in touch and you see them and you have other children and each other. So really you've nothing to worry about. Just take it as it comes.

I think you need to unpick this with professional help

Does every situation nowadays need ‘professional help^?

No, I don’t think so. Too much reliance on ‘experts’ for everything.

Grammaretto
These children are aged 5 and 3! They are hardly more than babies. What are you talking about asking them if they want to visit museum s and theatres?

The Op wasn’t asking the children if they wanted to go - she said…

‘They do take the kids out to a local play park, a museum or the theatre. It’s clear that the kids are pretty bored and can be a handful as a result’

One of our sons comes over with the children quite often when his wife is out with friends.
You could suggest a trip to the park with him "if he'sat a loose end"- or maybe suggest you do a lunch at a weekend or "early dinner" midweek to give them all a cooking-break.

The fact that they trust you to babysit is good news. You are probably not as distant as you sometimes feel.

I think if you offer an odd meal with no pressure to stay on after you will all get closer and the children will do what children do best - they will squirm and wiggle their way into your hearts.

Here are these little ones who just a joy in an otherwise bland world.
Have you noticed if your grandchildren are developing any special interests - insects, animals, diggers, cement mixers?
Do they like swimming, drawing, nature trails or playdoh or food?There’s bound to be some common ground for you all to develop. Or just listening to what they want to say about their latest craze is always an education.
One of my grandsons plays sticks with me (pretend swords) and we have noticed a real aptitude for fencing which was a bit unexpected. Also very skilled at drawing so a little enthusiasm goes a long way. Tiring - exhausting but great.

Juliet it was the 2nd letter I was referring to where the OP said the children do vocalise about being bored and that they don't want to go to museums or theatres
Never mind, I was only thinking that such young ones were being over, not under, stimulated.
WWW has other DGC who she does like and for some reason she doesn't really like these ones.
My reading of the situation is that she doesn't like their DM and her parenting style!

Maybe it's just a case of false expectations. There's no 'reason' why we should feel close to our adult children or our grandchildren. Our mothering job is done, after all.

I feel closer to the ones I see more often. I'm more involved in their lives so it follows. I have far more love for my friends than my family these days - now that I'm retired and I've stepped back - so there's no automatic, genetic link between us, why should there be?

WhyWhyWhyohWhy feels 'detached', but that's fine. Perhaps she expects to feel a deep and unconditional love for them? That's the only problem.

The problems with DS not seeing friends and DIL going away for weekends are their problem not yours so try not to bring that into it. Toys are always moved on quite quickly nowadays with everyone leading a minimalist life style, the keeping of good toys just doesn't happen so much now and maybe they like a nice lawn not scuffed from slides and swings.
I wonder if you are just very well detached from your AC, the opposite to parents hanging on fast to AC and not wanting them to have their own lives. Try and go with the flow and don't over think things, if they told you they were all off half way across the world I wonder what you would feel then.
By the way watch poor GD in the rough and tumble a five year old can give a nasty kick!

Welcome to GN WWWohW.

I think the first thing you need to do is forget about what's 'normal' when it comes to family relationships. Few parents I think have the same relationship with all of their children, and as it is with all relationships, a lot depends on personalities.

Just keep on doing what you're doing with one exception. Ask mum and dad for suggestions for presents then you wont see your current choices being re homed.

Keep on with what you're doing, seeing them when you can and entertaining the children the way you do when baby sitting. Try not to take the 'blame game' responses to heart. I found the post referring to you as baby sitters (you're the children's GP's) and not being happy with "rough and tumble" in their absence quite extraordinary.

Isn't that what GP's, especially grand fathers do with their GC?

The main thing is that you're maintaining a relationship with your son and his family, providing the opportunity for you to become closer with time.

You do care, if you didn't you wouldn't have posted so I think, maybe not consciously, that you're protecting yourself because your relationship with your son and d.i.l. isn't what you thought/hoped/imagined it would be, and differs to your other relationships.

Different isn't wrong, it's just different .

Go with the family's routine. Very few children are brought up these days like ours were. Accept the situation if your son does not like it he will tell his wife A lot don't seem to have a bedtime and are rolling around while the adults are eating, mine would have been tucked up in bed if we had friends around.
Just enjoy them for what they are 5 and 3-year-olds and play with them as you would have your own and maybe a bit less rough and tumble that's for their daddy.
I also find the less I ask the more I am told. It's been a hard lesson for me as well but I am getting there.

I think what MOnica says is very sensible and that is exactly how I would deal with it. Don’t blame yourselves, just accept it is what it is and treat them all equally. I think that poem is, well, just plain nasty.

nanna8

I think what MOnica says is very sensible and that is exactly how I would deal with it. Don’t blame yourselves, just accept it is what it is and treat them all equally. I think that poem is, well, just plain nasty.

the quote seems quite sensible to me