DH no longer wants to be intimate

Staceyann

Do you do (social) things together? - holidays, weekends away, trips to see shows / films, meals out, etc. How is your life together generally? Do you both still work?

Hi, Staceyann, we do all those things and more together. We have a lovely life. This is why I can't get my head round it. I thought things were ok and that maybe we were naturally having a little less sex as a lot of couples do but then it became clear it was a bit more than that. He works, I took redundancy a couple of years ago.

It is very distressing indeed - its OK for him to put on weight and age but.....

I would definitely say I wanted to go for relationship counselling, and go asap.

Surely saying “I don’t fancy you any more” is a very shallow comment to say to a partner of 15 years? There must be / should be far more to a relationship that long than fancying someone. Unless one partner had changed hugely (physically or in their character), the relationship should be based on more than what you look like.

Once a week , I meet up with a group of friends , who are all a bit younger then me .

As we've got to know each other we tend to be really frank .

Several of my friends have or have had this problem .

I think that your husband is blaming his lack of interest in sex on you , because the reality is too painful for him to accept :
He's got older and he's less aroused or loses his arousal .
His comment is really cruel . I wonder if he realises what he's said.

A size 8 is really thin and a size 12 is not fat .
Is he looking at the net or his phone a lot ?
Is he secretive ?
Is looking at porn ?
Or dating sites ?

Don't react to his hurtful comments .
No need to starve yourself .

I would discretely see what he's up to !

There's lots of treatment for sexual problems now and as , it's on TV - things have become less shameful and more open .

Do you think he may have another relationship and that was what he meant?

I'd say he is jolly lucky if you are size 12...

It must have been hurtful to hear that he longer fancies you. I doubt it is because of your weight as that would have happened gradually.

You have to decide if you want to continue the relationship knowing that it will not be a physical one, trying to make him have sex with you will only cause resentment, you cannot make someone fancy you.

If my husband said the same to me (I just don’t fancy you anymore) then I’m afraid I would never look at him in the same light and would feel so inadequate that it would be the end of the relationship, married for 15 years or not.

That’s such a terrible thing to say to you!

Wow! That’s so nasty! And shallow! I take it he’s Mr Adonis. What an awful thing to say to you, and he’s actually put on weight himself, of course that shouldn’t matter most people do put on weight I have through illness my husband has too through illness, we both still fancy each other and will often say it doesn’t matter what weight we both are it’s about the person ! Feel for you JW,

Do you do (social) things together? - holidays, weekends away, trips to see shows / films, meals out, etc. How is your life together generally? Do you both still work?

Oreo

To add to that, how lucky he is that you’re just a size 12.

I know! I see that as aspirational .

Not making light of your situation, JW. It must be very hurtful. Can you talk about this again, and ask if he is having any issues that he hasn't mentioned?

To add to that, how lucky he is that you’re just a size 12.

AGAA4

It was very unkind of your DH to say he doesn't fancy you any more and will see to himself. People who love each other won't care about a few extra pounds.
You have to decide whether you can tolerate this.

I agree.
I guess he was being honest, but didn’t care how it sounded?
If full sex is really important to you then you both need to find ways to make it more exciting.Plenty of info online if not on GN😂

I'm so sorry that you have been treated so unkindly by your husband,like others have mentioned I wonder if it to cover up some inadequacy or insecurity of his own . His comment about " looking after himself" shows a total disregard for your needs and feelings. In some ways I almost hope this is something he is using as an excuse otherwise how would he react if you had a life changing illness?

Tell him you will find someone who does and get "Acidently caught ", looking at dating sites.
He's a very lucky man if you are a size 12 most of us after 60 seem to balloon to size 14 +

I wonder if he is covering up his own inadequacies/ health issues by blaming you?

Welcome to the club!

It was very unkind of your DH to say he doesn't fancy you any more and will see to himself. People who love each other won't care about a few extra pounds.
You have to decide whether you can tolerate this.