DH no longer wants to be intimate

It's possible that when he says he doesn't fancy you, what it really means is that his libido is low. No reflection on you at all. Men aren't good at expressing themselves. He is just looking for an excuse when he stupidly talks about your weight.

My dh has ED. We haven't even discussed it. I also have difficulty with penetration despite HRT pessaries and lube.
However we still have an active and satisfying intimacy - for both of us. Sex can be fulfilling without penetration. This evolved naturally with us.
When your husband referred to seeing to himself be clearly has discovered that an erection is not necessary for an orgasm. He should be considerate also of you knowing that penetration is not necessary for an orgasm.
Mutual masturbation.
I apologise if I have been too explicit. I'm trying to be very clear.

He would read it and not say anything to me about it

He won't go to the doctors, he's never been since we've been together. They wrote to him when he turned 50 to.go for a check up , he wouldn't go . He's had a smokers cough for over a year now, he won't go because he knows they will tell him to give up smoking and he doesn't want to.

I think he was probably just honest. I love DH to bits but don’t fancy him at all.

Debbie58,

Have you consider writing a letter to your DH?

‘We have not been intimate for 3 years. You flinch whenever I touch you. Are you not attracted to me anymore? Or is there something else that is bothering you that I should know?’

Hopefully, this letter will encourage him to discuss his erectile issues with you and see the doctor.

In my husband’s case, medications for his heart following a heart attack in his early sixties are the ones that caused his ED. He took supplements similar to Holland & Barrett s Ultra men tablets (to restore testosterone to normal levels) but in liquid form because he does not like to take tablets.

He went from not able to have an erection at all to being able to have one and willing to be intimate despite his issues.

He might be having physical problems, with carrying out the "act" - and trying to cover it up.

I would try and get him to go for a health check up.

Just a thought.

He won't talk to anyone, if I tried in the past and its something he doesn't want to talk about, he just walks away from me . He's a good husband in every other way , a great stepfather to my twin girls and the 3 grandkids love him to bits. So I guess I'll just have to live with it 🤷‍♀️

I agree with Wyllow3 A few years ago it became obvious to me that my DH was losing interest in physical sex, and after a frank discussion he told me that it was because he was unable to sustain an erection and was terrified that he was "letting me down". As it happened, I was also going through a physical change that left me less interested in physical sex.

We have come to accept that our relationship has changed, I still love him dearly and vice versa, we can still cuddle and feel close but not in the same way as we were a few years ago.

Talking frankly is the key...

Debbi thats so sad. Being able to talk about it is the only way through - oh I hope you get there.

That's such a shame you can't talk to him about it Debbi58 I take it he wouldn't talk to anyone else either. A family member or counsellor?

Same here , I'm 59 and hubbie is 57. We've been married for 12 years . Sex was amazing for years , then around 3 years ago . He starts wearing pjs , buttoned up every night . If I put me arm around him in bed , he flinched. He won't talk about anything important, so no point me saying anything to him. It's frustrating, every other part of our marriage is good I still weigh the same and look after myself . I think he has a problem, he smokes and drinks a fair bit . So that's probably the cause 🤷‍♀️

I think it’s more of an issue on his part than yours! I’m a lot bigger than you and we’re still very active . It’s not just about size it’s the whole picture don’t think he’s being honest with you.

It is hard for blokes male pride is so tied up for so many with bing able to "perform" and many don't like taking viagra as its somehow "not natural" and they want past performances back. And hard to get them to talk.

but telling you he'd prefer to masturbate is soooo hurtful and evasive and as I said above frank counselling together may bring a level of understanding..

.... because he has also got a disconnect between love and sex, his words say it all, as sex is one of the most intimate ways of expressing love. But as I say some men are into performance and gratification of their results of their performance with that disconnect. this disconnect is also shown in the obsession with a younger body.

However as Violet says there are also ways of taking care of yourself as not only many are single but things like illness or disability can et in the way.

For what it's worth I have encountered this behaviour before with two friends and one family member. It turned out that all three male partners were having affairs. Seriously, I don't believe that your size has anything to do with it. Size 12 is slim. He is basically choosing to remove something from marriage which is very important to you. That's not fair. I feel very sorry for you.
PS. But he's happy to replace a loving partner with a wank???

I am willing to bet that he is finding sex difficult and doesn’t want to admit it. He is using you putting a few pounds as an excuse. It is very hard for a man. It was for my dh at about the same age but he didn’t blame it on me. At first he worried so we had a talk. We agreed that showing each other affection was important and we love each other dearly. We are now in our eighties and very happy.

I think there is a good chance he is struggling to become aroused and he has convinced himself that's due to you rather than the truth, his aging body is letting him down

Please set the clear boundary with him that that is not an acceptable thing to say to you and while you can accept your sex life together may slow, that's a hurtful unnecessary thing to say.

Then visit lovehoney or somewhere and buy something interesting because you can also see to yourself

If you're sure that no-one else is involved then I think it might very well be erectile dysfunction,or fear of it.. and your weight is a convenient excuse.. He's possibly absolutely terrified he can't perform any more.. so a good relationship counsellor would be a good place to reassure him.. and you..

Nothing wrong in using the word masturbation JW1960 probably preferable to the 'w' word. I agree with others that your husband used this cruel comment to cover up problems of his own. I don't want to speculate what they may be as it could be number of things. Health related issues spring to mind as this might be causing stress. Until he is ready to be honest with you nothing will change. I would be honest with him and tell him how hurt I was by his comment.

Definitely know what you mean JW1960 and as far as his comments are concerned I was thinking exactly the same What a W****
Is he so shallow and full of himself that your size be it still very slim is that important.
Probably more likely it’s an excuse as he male member no longer works.

Saying he doesn’t fancy you was cruel before you go to GP
try to get him to take Viagra or Cialis, just like women take hormone therapy, men sometimes need extra help.

Only joint counselling any use. And both being prepared to talk about sex. Yes it’s him who needs to talk I think but it could have a joint resolution.
Yes I do believe that men are more inclined to be able to separate sex and love: to me they were always inseparable.

When men say they don’t fancy someone they mean that they haven’t got physically aroused. It sounds silly but I hadn’t realised that until a few years ago- that for them it’s all about the body response. Whereas for women the fancy you happens I think in the mind first.

So he’s not getting an erection from your presence.

That might mean a general loss of libido. Medical checks in order.

Or it might mean he’s getting aroused by someone else. Even if he’s not actively pursuing that, it can be enough to mean you’re out of the picture.

I’m afraid by his comments on your weight, it feels like the latter. He’s trying to justify himself.

If I were in your position, I will be looking discretely without his knowledge at the search history on his computer and his mobile phone to find out what he is up to.

Sorry JW I think there could be someone else on the horizon. Make sure your finances are in order. I hope it's not the case.
Counselling for you or joint? I doubt it is anything to do with your size. Mid life crisis?

pascal30

Do you think he may have another relationship and that was what he meant?

I'd say he is jolly lucky if you are size 12...

Hi pascal30, no i'm sure he doesn't have another relationship. I know what he meant, he said it, beginning with the letter W, didn't want to write the actual word in case it wasn't allowed.