He's ageing well, I'm not and he can't understand

I can see the 'out of step' aspect is hard to live with (for both). And, a husband who has no experience of pain/disability is likely to be 'tactless'! No suggestions there I'm afraid. But for yourself, can you do any reading around (on 't web) to find out exactly what sort of arthritis is affecting you - and what is the up-to-date advice/treatment. Don't know if your weight affects the arthritis but people are certainly nicer to slender folk so a bit of diet tweaking may be in order. (A lot of people are finding the very low carb thing effective - you can still have plenty of proteins and fats).

NHS won't treat varicose veins.

I feel for you, it must be difficult to cope with the aging process when you have a younger, fitter partner.

He's not younger than me. He's 18 months older.

Thank you, too, Foxglove.

As for yet another Go to gp re varicose veins comment

The NHS hasn't offered treatment for varicose veins for 20+ years.

Taffy, thank you: you've got a good one there and I wish my DH could be a bit more like him. I'm sure you're ageing beautifully. As you say, age we must (except for all the superwomen on here still skiing in their 80s: imagine the cost of the travel insurance!)

This is the Relationships board, not Diet and Exercise. I posted on here for others' insights into how they are coping with the ageing process within their relationships. Thank you, Taffy, and the handful of others who recognised that and not didn't immediately offering me advice or project your own issues onto mine.

So many people here have behaved just like my DH and his 'I'm okay — what's wrong with you?' attitude. Can you not hear yourselves?

I don’t agree.
OP’s DH is very fortunate if he is “ageing well” - heaven knows many of us have been in the reverse situation with poorly DH’s or those who are no longer with us.
Did we expect them to shape up/smarten up/hurry up when they were poorly or ageing. No way! We loved them -love them - as they were, that’s what you sign up to in marriage.
So no, OP don’t beat yourself up, Oreo and others have made it clear where the fault lies. Who is to say what the future brings and while I would not wish ill health on anybody, you could remind him perhaps by pointing out some among his friends who might have health issues?
His present attitude sounds both smug and vain and even verging on gaslighting.
Be proud of who and how you are!

I think he was gloating and my ‘DP’ is a bit like this so I recognised the behaviour …try to loose weight for yourself. Move about more, take pain killers if you have to and can you swim?
Go to gp re varicose veins to see if you can be referred and to ask about weight loss, etc..
Hope he makes you happy and hope he does live a long life but statistics I seem to recall say otherwise!

I’m 81 and DH is 74. He has no wrinkles and is a lot fitter than I am. I do worry that I am beginning to look older as age I must.

When I put weight on he just says more of you to love. He is very supportive and says nice things which is what we need. Try explaining that you need your confidence built up not brought down.

I think men often age better than women. We lose Oestrogen in menopause, and childbearing can take a toll, too.

My husband is wearing better than I am (and he is older than me 😡). I tell myself that I've got the better deal, as I get to look at him and he has to look at me. He tells me that in his eyes I look the same as when I was 21, which is kind of him, but I'm not convinced when I look in the mirror, as it refuses to lie.

I feel for you, it must be difficult to cope with the aging process when you have a younger, fitter partner.

I have always looked older than my age but in a way have been fortunate in that the people I mix with are much older than me so it doesn’t affect me so much. At 60 I was often offered pensioner discounts which I accepted, there has to be some perks.

I wanted to know how/ if others were coping with the absolutely normal and inevitable (for many of us) changes that come with ageing

But that wasn't the question you asked Margot
Bit harsh to berate others for misunderstanding.

I said jokingly to DH "Does my bum look big in this?" and he took it seriously and said "Well, yes, it does and perhaps you should try to lose a stone or so".
🤔

I really don’t recognise the things you describe as ‘absolutely normal and inevitable’ for anybody. I do, however, think that your arthritis isn’t helped by being overweight and your weight may also have caused your varicose veins and swollen feet. Is your husband pointing out rather clumsily that if you lost weight it would be beneficial for your health?

mumofmadboys

This thread is confusing. You now say Margo you feel well and your health is fine. However you started by saying you are overweight, have arthritis of your ankle(s) and cannot walk more than a mile. I, for one, am confused. Posters are trying to help by their comments.

You miss my point completely. Others have been able to see what it was but you and various others want to offer misguided 'help' that I didn't ask for.

I wanted to know how/ if others were coping with the absolutely normal and inevitable (for many of us) changes that come with ageing when their partner doesn't seem to be ageing at all and doesn't have much sensitivity when it comes to pointing out those changes. That was the experience I wanted to share.

I didn't ask for comments on my weight or diet tips or how to use a hairdryer. I'm an intelligent, informed adult with a laptop and a past that includes walking the Camino de Santiago.

There are some extraordinary assumptions being made here. I can kneel down and get up unaided, thank you very much. And I know how to use a hairdryer.

How will you respond when your DH (or anyone else) points to your first varicose vein, or a natural post-menopause change in your body shape, or a change in your hair texture or volume, or the fact that your knuckles or your toes are arthritic?

I too am confused: as I read it the premise of the thread title is that the OP feels she isn't ageing well and her OH is. There is then a first paragraph which outlines the things that Margot struggles with.
I apologise Margot if my response about self esteem upthread caused offence, it wasn't intended. You do seem to have changed tack and later claim that you're actually in very good health so I'll just leave it there.

I’d agree on the arthritis, I’ve got bad knees too, and weight (and exercise) have a huge impact on the pain levels. It’s a good incentive to stay slim. I know it isn’t nice to hear, but unfortunately it’s true.

I’m extremely confused. I have had arthritis in my knees since age 21. If I put on any weight at all they are very stiff and painful. Therefore I do my level best not to. OP says she is overweight and a size 16/18 but her size isn’t very meaningful without knowing her height - 5 foot or 6 foot?

This thread is confusing. You now say Margo you feel well and your health is fine. However you started by saying you are overweight, have arthritis of your ankle(s) and cannot walk more than a mile. I, for one, am confused. Posters are trying to help by their comments.

Me

Doodledog

Norah, I wasn’t having a go at you - I was thinking of my sister, actually . The fact remains, though, that the vast majority of people will be very aware that diet and exercise are important for weight loss. I’d be more than surprised if Margot hasn’t made that connection. She is feeling raw already - I’m sure you mean well (genuinely) but do you really think that pointing out your own slimness and good health is going to make her feel better?

Doodledog I didn't believe you were having a go at me.

I gave advice where none was asked. I went off on a tangent.

Yes, I'm genetically slim plus we diet/exercise - but that wasn't asked and as I now see, didn't belong - I can't remove, all I can do is admit I didn't answer the question properly.

Grantanow

Genetics makes a difference and some are more fortunate than others at least till something happens but you should talk with your GP about improving your own health.

No wonder the NHS is on its knees if it's full of basically well people asking doctors about how to improve their health in a general way. My health is fine. I feel fine. Google is your friend and all the advice is the same: eat well and exercise well. I do both those things.

Norah, I wasn’t having a go at you - I was thinking of my sister, actually . The fact remains, though, that the vast majority of people will be very aware that diet and exercise are important for weight loss. I’d be more than surprised if Margot hasn’t made that connection. She is feeling raw already - I’m sure you mean well (genuinely) but do you really think that pointing out your own slimness and good health is going to make her feel better?

nadateturbe

Lucky you Norah. That's not possible for everyone. He may well be concerned but he could voice his thoughts better. I would tell him how I feel. --Pour his next drink over his head--

Noted. I have no further diet/exercise advice.

I'd be well pleased with his concern.

As OP posted here, tell him the same - her physical changes are age related and genetic. Should cover any issues.

Lucky you Norah. That's not possible for everyone. He may well be concerned but he could voice his thoughts better. I would tell him how I feel. Pour his next drink over his head

I would milk the situation and ask him to make me cups of tea and have a list of jobs for him to do like kneeling down and dusting or vacuuming under things, turning mattresses, weeding in the garden etc
😂😂😂

My excuse - "it's my knees, dear"
DH says we must get a cleaner 👍