He's ageing well, I'm not and he can't understand

he sounds a peach.

I have nothing helpful to say except how very annoying for you, Margot, but I'd also say that pride comes before a fall, and he's been a very lucky man so far but who knows how long it may last?

If DH behaved like your DH, I would firmly but surely tell him how it is and tell him to thank his lucky stars that he has aged so well, but also tell him that something like this can change overnight.

I knew someone like him (without the nasty streak). At 68 he was diagnosed with cancer and at 70 he was dead. His wife whose health had always been a bit dicey is still going strong at nearly 80.

I certainly wouldn't accept a partner, essentially gloating ove his health and pointing out my failings, especially that often a lot of these different outcomes are genetic and there is nothing you can do.

I realise that. Much of the time he's lovely. He just doesn't know what it's like to live in an ordinary body. He spends the day in the garden hedge-trimming and digging veg beds and the next day I ask him if he's stiff — and no. I don't know how he does it.

He doesn't put any effort into the way he looks, he's just been exceptionally lucky with his physique and his high metabolism. I think he assumes that I should be the same.

That sounds like a friend of mine and her husband. She has had a number of health issues over the years and is overweight. He is skinny and used to run. He had a major heart attack a few months ago, completely out of the blue and was clinically dead until the cpr worked. Everyone is different and I would point that out to him. Repeatedly

He's not gloating over his good health. When he showed me his feet earlier it was more in the spirit of 'But look, I haven't got visible veins, so why have you?'

I've said to him we're different, we're ageing differently. I've pointed out that I've gone through the menopause and he hasn't and he's just asked why I didn't have HRT then. (I asked for it when I was menopausal, but in those days the fact that I had breast cancer in my family ruled it out).

He's not normally a stupid or particularly insensitive man. And I'm not usually this touchy. But I know I'm not ageing as well as some of the women we know (many of them on HRT) and it's not always easy to accept.

Are you doing everything you can to maximise your health from a diet, well-being and exercise perspective, I wondered if he was trying to say that he’s worried that you aren’t, in the usual inarticulate way men say things, rather than being unkind?

I seem to have read your post differently. I honestly thought your DH was expressing genuine concern...... I would be particularly concerned about your swollen feet and am not sure why you are saying you would need to go private to have treatment for varicose veins. A check up for the former condition could include a mention of the latter if they are causing any pain or discomfort. There is even an outside possibility the two conditions may be related....

Can you quietly try and lose some weight? It would help your arthritis and help your self esteem. Don't tell your DH though. If necessary remind him of his wedding vows ' in sickness and in health' . Don't take it to heart though. He probably doesn't intend to be hurtful.

I think you need to tell him how upset you are about his remarks.I’m in my early seventies. My ex is a couple of years older than me and he’s just cycled from Cornwall to Scotland. When he was 70 he cycled from Scotland to Cornwall. He’s only just retired. He left me 20 + years ago, one reason being that he said I’d grown old and he hadn’t. But we never really talked through our problems with each other and, in retrospect, I wish we had. I wonder if we’re related because I have thin hair and arthritis inherited from my mum. I don’t know which is worse, the hair or the arthritis but thin hair is horribly ageing and it really upsets me and damages what little confidence I have! You say he isn’t insensitive in other ways but he sounds insensitive to me. Are you sure he doesn’t put you down more than you realise because my husband did.

seadragon I seem to have read your post differently. I honestly thought your DH was expressing genuine concern...... I would be particularly concerned about your swollen feet

I read his comments as concerns as well. Perhaps a bit of dieting would help many of your age concerns? Arthritis, swelling, knees, movement could all be helped by a bit of weigh loss (say 2 stone or so).

Much is genetic, doesn't have to be down to 'menopause' - he has drawn good genes, you could also perhaps work on your health?

We're near 80, slim, fit, still ski - some genetics but much diet&exercise.

When you've never been ill it's very difficult to understand the problems others are having. I didn't think your DH was gloating either. I saw it as confused and worried. If I were you I would definitely see a doctor about the swollen feet and varicose veins and make sure that they are not symptomatic of anything else. I'm afraid you're just going to have to accept that your husband is aging well and be proud of him. I remember my DM was very put out that my DF was mistaken for her son once, but learned to laugh about it.

MayBee70
This is the woman I saw Re my thining hair.
She’s brilliant. www.ukhairconsultants.com/our-services-uk-hair-consultants/

I hope my two children have inherited their dad’s genes as he’s aged far better than I have!

I share your misery with arthritis having had surgery in different joints. It's made worse because I can't take pain relief what I was prescribed years ago caused kidney disease.
The swollen legs are caused by high blood pressure it could be a reason for your feet being swollen. I have varicose veins because my working life was in jobs standing for long hours.
I do exercise on line NHS sitting down especially for bad joints not too taxing. Walking a mile is a stretch for me why don't you just walk little and often. If you drive to the shops park up further away so you have to walk. Cut down on carbs that makes a big difference eat more veg than meat if you eat meat.
Your DH is fortunate his physical health is still good. It's just a pity he lacks maturity with his criticism of you. If might be concern but it's not doing you any favours he is crushing your confidence. Tell him to stop as his criticism is not wanted. Don't put yourself through getting veins done it only short term solution. Look after yourself.

I would be particularly concerned about your swollen feet and am not sure why you are saying you would need to go private to have treatment for varicose veins.

Because I've enquired with my GP and varicose vein surgery isn't normally available in the NHS. It's normal for feet to swell up in extreme heat. It was 30+ C here a few weeks ago, particularly when you're older and female and a bit overweight.

MargotLedBetter I'm sure he's not gloating. But I sense that your self esteem isn't good right now and perhaps that is something to think about? We have a pledge where I look after me for him and he looks after himself for me, we owe it to each other. Could you start with changing just one thing?

This was me until last year when hubby took I’ll. a few weeks not well and he realised that life can take an unexpected turn. We are both ok but physically he’s definitely fitter than me but doesn’t say much about my health but he does worry about me.

MargotLedbetter

*I would be particularly concerned about your swollen feet and am not sure why you are saying you would need to go private to have treatment for varicose veins.*

Because I've enquired with my GP and varicose vein surgery isn't normally available in the NHS. It's normal for feet to swell up in extreme heat. It was 30+ C here a few weeks ago, particularly when you're older and female and a bit overweight.

You're right, varicose vein surgery hasn't been available on the NHS for a long time

Thank you for all the general health advice but we eat healthily, have been vegetarian for much of our married life and have always had plenty of exercise. That and his metabolism and geneticsis probably explain such remarkably good shape.

You only have to look at the women on both sides of my family to realise that we are genetically far more likely to have weight issues. Even photos of my mum and her mother during the war, when rationing was at its height, are not what anyone would call willowy! On his side, everyone looks slim to the point of emaciation.

I have all the regular health checks and I'm not on any regular medication except anti-inflammatories and occasional painkillers for the arthritis.

Norah

seadragon I seem to have read your post differently. I honestly thought your DH was expressing genuine concern...... I would be particularly concerned about your swollen feet

I read his comments as concerns as well. Perhaps a bit of dieting would help many of your age concerns? Arthritis, swelling, knees, movement could all be helped by a bit of weigh loss (say 2 stone or so).

Much is genetic, doesn't have to be down to 'menopause' - he has drawn good genes, you could also perhaps work on your health?

We're near 80, slim, fit, still ski - some genetics but much diet&exercise.

Good for you, Norah.

He sounds like a typical, awkward, blunt type of chap who says things without considering the upset they'll cause. Still, he talks some sense.

In your 60s, you shouldn't accept these health problems - as normal ageing or due to the menopause. Like others, I think he's expressing concern at your lack of action to remedy or alleviate them. See your GP and talk it all through.

Your husband is lucky (so far). My DH is 77. He has health conditions, including cancer (in remission). He doesn't look his age, goes for long walks, has reasonably good hair and has only recently started to put on a bit of weight around his middle.
I am nearly 74. I have lost my hair and my teeth. I have put a bit of weight on lately. Prior to getting my hair system, I was suicidal about how I looked. I felt so low I can't tell you. This man tells me every day that I look great and years younger than my age. It isn't really true but how lovely of him. He knows what I've been through.
I'm not sure I could cope with your husband Margot.

Margot, please see your gp about your swollen legs and feet, yes the extreme heat can cause swelling but so can high bp. My dm 87 went to her gp with swollen ankles and had dangerously high bp, was sent to A&E and diagnosed with pulmonary oedema. She’s now on diuretics.
I also read your DH comments as being concerned about you but hasn’t expressed himself well .