He's ageing well, I'm not and he can't understand

Doodledog The last thing I need is to be patronised, but there are people who can’t help giving unasked-for advice.

OP didn't seek advice. I gave unasked advice.

I re-read the post "How do you explain to a husband who's enjoyed fabulous health all his life and has rarely seen a doctor that you are ageing relatively normally and that swollen feet when it's hot, fairly minor varicose veins and other physical changes are the reality for a lot of women as we age?"

OP Say what you wrote. "Thank you for your concern for my health, I merely have age related signs - normal for women my age and genetics."

Something along those lines should take care of his concerns.

Genetics makes a difference and some are more fortunate than others at least till something happens but you should talk with your GP about improving your own health.

If it makes you feel any better Margot I have actually lost all of my hair. It's been horrendous. I hope you can find a solution to yours. I really do. There are some old threads on here on the subject which may be of help to you.

I feel for you too MargoL, it takes me by surprise how each year the gardening etc takes more effort! We would all love to stay youthful, confident and strong and these 'offhand' remarks can sting! If I am beginning to feel my age I do what the young ones call self care and treat myself to a mag, watch rom-com or put on a lovely outfit and go for a coffee. We have all been through lots in life and all deserve to feel good at any age/weight or stage of health. Please try to look after your self esteem, a lot of us know how you feel x

I would milk the situation and ask him to make me cups of tea and have a list of jobs for him to do like kneeling down and dusting or vacuuming under things, turning mattresses, weeding in the garden etc. Could you also perhaps visit a dietician not so much to lose weight but to make sure you are eating the right foods for your age and conditions? Once I turned 65 I just seemed to lose my energy and mojo and try to do bits of what I used to but have had to accept I can only walk a mile/eat a small meal/have to go to bed early. It has severely impacted my social life as I can't eat big meals out or go on drinking sessions at night but then again, do I care? My dad ailed for 35 years and was in his late 90s when he passed away. His life loving nephew died much earlier. In fact at one stage you would have thought the nephew older than my dad. It takes all sorts.

Have you told him how hurtful his comments are? Maybe he thinks he’s being encouraging, and doesn’t realise that he’s upsetting you.

As others have said, neither of you know what’s round the corner, and it could be his turn to go through a period of illness next. A thick ear, quite possibly .

I know how frustrating it is when people ’kindly’ suggest that you lose weight and take exercise. I have been unwell for a while and have gained weight as a result. My brain isn’t flabby though - I am well aware that exercise and diet are important. It’s just that my metabolism is all over the place and I get breathless if I do too much (not because of deconditioning, but because of my condition, which is proving difficult to pin down). The last thing I need is to be patronised, but there are people who can’t help giving unasked-for advice.

I agree with those who say that letting him know that his comments aren’t helpful could be the way forward. It would be a start, at least.

I do feel for you Margot. We are a bit the opposite. DH has had a list of heath issues and surgeries over the years, and I have had relatively good health. We are in our early 60's.

However, when DH gets a bit down, and tells me that I married a faulty specimen I prop him up and support him. None of his issues are a result of his bad lifestyle, in fact he does everything right; good diet, exercise and is constantly moving. But he inherited a bad heart, varicose veins, arthritis, Dupuytrens's syndrome, etc.
We have had to stop kayaking and skiing, and while it saddens me, I understand he can't do it any more without suffering afterwards. I have gone skiing with the kids and grandkids, but don't ever push my DH to come along.

Maybe have a talk with him to help him understand that you feel bad, that you would love to do all the things that he does but your physical body stops you. Encourage him to do all the things he loves to do, but please be more understanding when you cannot.

Hetty58

Conflicting statements:

The OP said that she's a size 16/18 with thinning hair, varicose veins and swollen feet - oh dear!

Later, she says 'people who are fundamentally well, as I am.'

Which is it? - Maybe it's denial? OH isn't supposed to mention these things?

You're an unpleasant piece of work, aren't you, Hetty?

I have a couple of varicose veins. Many women have them. They are not an illness. Lots of younger women get varicose veins during pregnancy. Later in life they are a sign of ageing. Some people suffer from them, some lucky people don't. Plenty of men get them.

My hair is thinning as my mother's and her sisters' did and I have been told by the expert I consulted that there's nothing to be done, it's genetic. I'm not bald: I used to have a fine head of thick wavy hair and it's become very fine and less abundant. A lot of women experience their hair getting thin and fine post menopause. It's not a marker of illness, it's a mark of ageing.

My feet swelled on an exceptionally hot day. It's normal, it's not an indication of illness.

My BP, blood sugars, heart, cholesterol and all the other seriously important measures are good. I'm apparently quite unusual in getting to my age without being on regular medication. Go figure Hetty.

Norah

Callistemon21

OH isn't supposed to mention these things?
No, he's not.

Well, we're all different.

I want my husband to note if my feet swell and suggest I may need medical attention. Seems to be caring about a possible problem.

My DH is certainly caring but he wouldn't be comparing them to his own perfect feet and ankles (which are indeed better than mine due to his inherited genes).

Margot as you've already spoken to your doctor and seen various other professionals, can you explain to your DH as you have to us - that you are as well as you can be and that you'd appreciate fewer comments from him?

Callistemon21

^OH isn't supposed to mention these things?^
No, he's not.

Well, we're all different.

I want my husband to note if my feet swell and suggest I may need medical attention. Seems to be caring about a possible problem.

OH isn't supposed to mention these things?
No, he's not.

Conflicting statements:

The OP said that she's a size 16/18 with thinning hair, varicose veins and swollen feet - oh dear!

Later, she says 'people who are fundamentally well, as I am.'

Which is it? - Maybe it's denial? OH isn't supposed to mention these things?

I would think that pride often comes before a fall, MargotLedbetter
Not that I wish your DH ill of course! He just has good genes and should realise we're all different.

I've put weight on too because of knee problems combined with a medication and it doesn't help if you can't walk or exercise because of joint problems - Catch 22.

Perhaps a change of diet, not necessarily eating less, might shift a few pounds? I keep telling myself to do that but if you are feeling fed up it's not always easy.

Sometimes it needs to be remembered that most women have been through childbirth more than once. This takes a toll on female bodies that males do not experience.
Metabolism changes in preparation for birth and motherhood in order to have reserves to cope with giving birth and feeding the child. I understand that the rib bones expand and abdominal muscles can stretch, never to return to their original tension.
Some women find that their bodies never go back to the shape they had in youth.

MargotLedbetter

Good for you, Norah.

Does husband not have your health as his concern?

If he has not a care to your health, I misunderstood entirely.

As Margo said , good for you.

Good for you, Norah.

Vito And this is helpful ? How ?

Quite a bit more helpful than taking sides against a husband who appears to have OPs health as a genuine concern.

I think many can work on diet/exercise. I expressed that, perhaps not in your chosen words, but I do find it possible to diet/exercise.

Monica, Ziplock and others who've pointed out how unhelpful my DH's remarks are, thank you. He's not the most sensitive person in the world and having rarely had anything wrong with him (he didn't even get Covid while I've had it twice) and so far he's managed to avoid the realisation that his body's ageing and behaving differently. I dare say the time will come and I'll be able to point at him and say 'What's that?!!!' as he did today. Not that it gives me any pleasure.

18:32Norah

seadragon I seem to have read your post differently. I honestly thought your DH was expressing genuine concern...... I would be particularly concerned about your swollen feet

I read his comments as concerns as well. Perhaps a bit of dieting would help many of your age concerns? Arthritis, swelling, knees, movement could all be helped by a bit of weigh loss (say 2 stone or so).

Much is genetic, doesn't have to be down to 'menopause' - he has drawn good genes, you could also perhaps work on your health?

We're near 80, slim, fit, still ski - some genetics but much diet&exercise.
And this is helpful ? How ?

Margoleadbetter my OH and I have chalk and cheese metabolisms too and always have done.
He eats whatever and still fits his wedding suit comfortably 39 years on. I look at a biscuit and promptly put on another couple of pounds; it's infuriating.
We're both in fairly good health for which I am very grateful. He does get cross when I express any kind of anxiety about his slightly raised blood pressure, so now I try really hard not to say anything about it. I think we are all touchy about our own insecurities.
You sound as though you have tried to keep yourself as well as you can. I don't usually go in for motivational quotes but maybe a few positive fridge magnets/ post-its on the mirror would give a huge hint to your OH that you are in need of supportive confidence boosting rather than concern?

Have a talk with him and get him to understand how it makes you feel, otherwise it could go on and on.

Cheers, Monica. I thought I was going mad.

This has also made me wonder whether the reason the NHS is on its knees is because it's being bothered all the time by people who are fundamentally well, as I am.

Well, from how you’ve described your DH’s remarks about the things you have concerns about, he comes across as extremely smug and very insensitive. He may well be concerned for you, but I’m afraid the way he words things leaves a heck of a lot to be desired.
Lucky him that he doesn’t have any health/aging issues at all (for now), but he needs to realise that not everyone is the same.
As another poster says, “what a peach”.