Ex-wife still demanding after twenty years!

Golly for the person who won the prize (your DH) you sure have it in for the loser don't you?
How do you know so much about this woman who will have no contact with you?
Perhaps she does just want help with the boys and knowing they behave better when they are with him, she asks him to speak to them when they misbehave. That doesn't mean she wants him back.
Perhaps she is a little tired of you insisting that she is a bad grandmother and telling her what she should and should not do (maybe that is another reason she doesn't want contact with you)
Try accommodating her a little more. She must be grieving for her daughter and trying to do her best for two grieving GS who have an absent father. Letting her have the help of their grandfather without constantly putting her down would be a good start.
You may think you aren't doing that but that is what I picked up from you posts, so goodness knows what those boys have picked up from contact with you.
It's far more honest to make negative comments and admit you dislike someone than to pretend to be supportive, whilst questioning the care someone provides at every opportunity, and regarding any contact with their ex-husband as threatening your marriage.

Well, I am the Ex-wife. I have zero direct contact with my Ex. He pays me monthly alimony via bank transfer and that’s about it. I have not remarried. My/our children see him often enough, although he has married the woman he left me for. They have a fairly ok relationship. In the beginning, it was hard for me, but I have accepted it and at the end of the day he/she is their father/step grandmother. I do slightly resent the fact that the little ones call her ‘Nana’. The teenage grandchildren call her by her first name.
Lickety - that’s my situation. I doubt very much that my ex’s new wife would like it, if he had contact with me. I wouldn’t want that either. She just ‘tolerates’ his relationship with his children/grandchildren

There is professional help for this boy. I have contacts through my work and have collected resources, information on groups, useful contacts, helpline numbers etc., to help her.

He attends a school dedicated to his needs, is collected every morning and returned later in the afternoon. He also attends weekend school occasionally.

I fully appreciate that life must be difficult, however, I do feel there are ways and means of obtaining help.

The boys have a great relationship with their grandad and with me - this is not the issue. We are happy to help, however her insistence on dictating exactly what that help looks like is the problem.

I appreciate all your responses. Thanks

If the father of the boys lives abroad he cannot be instantly available. It seems as though she wants a man there to deal with the boys, and your husband is the boy's grandfather, and hopefully they have a good relationship with him. I think he goes because he wants to help the boys, who don't seem to have the best upbringing, not because he wants to keep the peace.

You have been together for twenty years and it is unlikely she will be able to cause problems between you and your husband, who clearly feels a responsibility to his grandsons, so all you can do is support him and try not exacerbate the situation.
You and your husband are happy; the other children seem settled, but the boys with their mother are not. They need his help and that is the most important thing.

As the grandma of an autistic grandchild I understand just how demanding life can be for the parents /guardians. My question is is there any professional help for this boy? Does his grandma have a deep understanding of autism? All other difficulties aside, she needs support from professional bodies and family.
An older person will, I'm sure, find life challenging, coping alone with an autistic child.

It is soooo reassuring to be able to hear the opinions of others!
I really appreciate your time.
Thank you

I think she is using this situation to her advantage in order to have more contact with your OH. She should be liaising with the boys father or getting support from her own family.. You are grandparents not parents.. She is rude to you and trying to influence the children against you when clearly you are being very supportive of both your OH and his GChildren.. I think your OH should stop pandering to her. If the boys are well behaved when they stay with youmaybe she should get some professional family support..

Glad you came back Lickity you’re probably like me and feel you want to solve all problems and we cant
I think at the end of the day it’s got to all come from your husband as they are his family dynamics not really yours but obviously you will support your husband and chew over things with him and if you can offer the other two lads a bit more respite from erratic Nan that would be good for everyone I would think apart from that not a lot you can do
He s probably getting wound up by the ex wife and her demands but as he’s an easy going chap I m sure he ll manage perhaps point out to him that it’s ok to say no sometimes but then it is up to him however frustrating it is to you
Good luck

Thanks for your response BlueBelle.

The other 4 boys are living abroad with their father. I agree that he needs to be more part of the discussions.

I do support my husband and we are very close - I worry that he gets the backlash from her unreasonable demands.

I agree she probably struggles and it can't be easy for her, but she has a supportive family and I feel she should maybe lean that way a little more and talk to their father regarding behavioural issues.

The other nan is very poorly so I'm afraid that isn't an option.

Thanks

I m afraid you do have to leave it entirely to your husband whilst supporting him when he comes with tales of woe

Where are the other 4 boys? you only speak of 3 but said she had 7? Could your husband talk it over with whoever has the other 4 and see if they have any trouble with ex wife if they ever have to meet re the boys getting together etc

Support your husband, chew over things with him, perhaps you could have the two other boys a bit more, if that fits in
with your life style or maybe the 18 year old could take his brothers out, after all he’s an adult now.

Maybe ex wife just isn’t able to manage two young men one being autistic it isnt easy on a daily basis
Is there another Nan ? Where is the boys Dad ? Can he not help?
Lots of questions I know but it’s a complex story