Ex-wife still demanding after twenty years!

I m afraid you do have to leave it entirely to your husband whilst supporting him when he comes with tales of woe

Where are the other 4 boys? you only speak of 3 but said she had 7? Could your husband talk it over with whoever has the other 4 and see if they have any trouble with ex wife if they ever have to meet re the boys getting together etc

Support your husband, chew over things with him, perhaps you could have the two other boys a bit more, if that fits in
with your life style or maybe the 18 year old could take his brothers out, after all he’s an adult now.

Maybe ex wife just isn’t able to manage two young men one being autistic it isnt easy on a daily basis
Is there another Nan ? Where is the boys Dad ? Can he not help?
Lots of questions I know but it’s a complex story

Thanks for your response BlueBelle.

The other 4 boys are living abroad with their father. I agree that he needs to be more part of the discussions.

I do support my husband and we are very close - I worry that he gets the backlash from her unreasonable demands.

I agree she probably struggles and it can't be easy for her, but she has a supportive family and I feel she should maybe lean that way a little more and talk to their father regarding behavioural issues.

The other nan is very poorly so I'm afraid that isn't an option.

Thanks

Glad you came back Lickity you’re probably like me and feel you want to solve all problems and we cant
I think at the end of the day it’s got to all come from your husband as they are his family dynamics not really yours but obviously you will support your husband and chew over things with him and if you can offer the other two lads a bit more respite from erratic Nan that would be good for everyone I would think apart from that not a lot you can do
He s probably getting wound up by the ex wife and her demands but as he’s an easy going chap I m sure he ll manage perhaps point out to him that it’s ok to say no sometimes but then it is up to him however frustrating it is to you
Good luck

I think she is using this situation to her advantage in order to have more contact with your OH. She should be liaising with the boys father or getting support from her own family.. You are grandparents not parents.. She is rude to you and trying to influence the children against you when clearly you are being very supportive of both your OH and his GChildren.. I think your OH should stop pandering to her. If the boys are well behaved when they stay with youmaybe she should get some professional family support..

It is soooo reassuring to be able to hear the opinions of others!
I really appreciate your time.
Thank you

As the grandma of an autistic grandchild I understand just how demanding life can be for the parents /guardians. My question is is there any professional help for this boy? Does his grandma have a deep understanding of autism? All other difficulties aside, she needs support from professional bodies and family.
An older person will, I'm sure, find life challenging, coping alone with an autistic child.

If the father of the boys lives abroad he cannot be instantly available. It seems as though she wants a man there to deal with the boys, and your husband is the boy's grandfather, and hopefully they have a good relationship with him. I think he goes because he wants to help the boys, who don't seem to have the best upbringing, not because he wants to keep the peace.

You have been together for twenty years and it is unlikely she will be able to cause problems between you and your husband, who clearly feels a responsibility to his grandsons, so all you can do is support him and try not exacerbate the situation.
You and your husband are happy; the other children seem settled, but the boys with their mother are not. They need his help and that is the most important thing.

There is professional help for this boy. I have contacts through my work and have collected resources, information on groups, useful contacts, helpline numbers etc., to help her.

He attends a school dedicated to his needs, is collected every morning and returned later in the afternoon. He also attends weekend school occasionally.

I fully appreciate that life must be difficult, however, I do feel there are ways and means of obtaining help.

The boys have a great relationship with their grandad and with me - this is not the issue. We are happy to help, however her insistence on dictating exactly what that help looks like is the problem.

I appreciate all your responses. Thanks

Well, I am the Ex-wife. I have zero direct contact with my Ex. He pays me monthly alimony via bank transfer and that’s about it. I have not remarried. My/our children see him often enough, although he has married the woman he left me for. They have a fairly ok relationship. In the beginning, it was hard for me, but I have accepted it and at the end of the day he/she is their father/step grandmother. I do slightly resent the fact that the little ones call her ‘Nana’. The teenage grandchildren call her by her first name.
Lickety - that’s my situation. I doubt very much that my ex’s new wife would like it, if he had contact with me. I wouldn’t want that either. She just ‘tolerates’ his relationship with his children/grandchildren

Golly for the person who won the prize (your DH) you sure have it in for the loser don't you?
How do you know so much about this woman who will have no contact with you?
Perhaps she does just want help with the boys and knowing they behave better when they are with him, she asks him to speak to them when they misbehave. That doesn't mean she wants him back.
Perhaps she is a little tired of you insisting that she is a bad grandmother and telling her what she should and should not do (maybe that is another reason she doesn't want contact with you)
Try accommodating her a little more. She must be grieving for her daughter and trying to do her best for two grieving GS who have an absent father. Letting her have the help of their grandfather without constantly putting her down would be a good start.
You may think you aren't doing that but that is what I picked up from you posts, so goodness knows what those boys have picked up from contact with you.
It's far more honest to make negative comments and admit you dislike someone than to pretend to be supportive, whilst questioning the care someone provides at every opportunity, and regarding any contact with their ex-husband as threatening your marriage.

There is professional help for this boy. I have contacts through my work and have collected resources, information on groups, useful contacts, helpline numbers etc., to help her.

It is one thing having a list of contacts for help, another thing to activate them at eight o'clock on a Monday morning when they are refusing to get ready for school or Kicking off on a wet Saturday afternoon.

I keep forgetting that the ex-wife is the grandmother, not the mother. Looking after two boys, one with difficult special needs, is hard enough when you are young and with a partner; looking after them when you are of retirement age and on your own is unbelievably tiring. She may not have been a brilliant mother, who knows, but she has taken them in and she needs as much help as she can get. Perhaps the two of you could see them more frequently than one weekend a month to give her a break.

I wonder if you could have the boys a bit more - after all they have had their mum die and dad is abroad.

Your relationship with your husband is, we assume, stable and the boys are growing up so will be soon voting with their feet about visiting. It will not be forever and your husband has lost his daughter. He no doubt loves the boys and wants the best for them.

I agree with someone upthread about "contact info"... lack of resources means accessing services is really difficult. Try to cut the ex a bit more slack. I'm sure it's hard - but being generous in the end will surely reap benefits. Don't let yourself be dragged down the "resentful and angry" route as you are the one who will suffer. Not saying it isn't deeply frustrating - I think it must be - but your husband could have taken the boys on himself full time which would have had another set of complications.

Thinking of you all - especially the boys.

You could as has been suggested, have the boys to stay with you more often and for a bit longer. Has this been talked about with your H's ex?

As NotSpaghetti's said, it wont be forever and I wonder if you've taken into account that your H and his ex lost their daughter last year and will both be grieving for their child.

Maybe he's the only one she feels she can talk too if she needs too because he's the only one who truly understands, and she takes the opportunity to do so when he goes round to help out with their GS's.

The father is abroad and has left the two oldest boys, one of whom is autistic, with his MIL. She cannot be young and this is unfair on her, your DH and you.

She lost her daughter and now is left to cope with two boys who lost their mother; yes, she does need help, they all do.

Abroad or not, the father is the one who needs to step up to the mark and take responsibility for his sons.
Perhaps your DH could contact his SIL and explain the situation.

I think the three older boys are here in the UK. Ine now 18. The older three boys may not have wanted to go with dad as there lives are here and the upheaval has probably already been huge.
Not everything is simple.

NotSpaghetti

I think the three older boys are here in the UK. Ine now 18. The older three boys may not have wanted to go with dad as there lives are here and the upheaval has probably already been huge.
Not everything is simple.

The oldest is only 18 so the others all are children. You're right, they may have opted to stay their grandmother but the arrangement is breaking down and the father of the children needs to be more involved in what is happening with his children, who may be reacting to the loss of their mother.

I agree Callistemon, it was only a year ago those poor boys lost their mother, their father should be there for his sons.

"The other four boys are living abroad with their father."
Again, very difficult to involve someone 'abroad' (which could be a long distance away), on the end of a telephone.
This is a family tragedy, and whether she likes it or not, LicketySplit is part of this family. I do note that they have the eldest grandchild living with them, so it is not easy for anyone.

We have no idea if the family was living "as a family" before.
The father may have been living away in the first place.
Maybe all seven were living with just the mum previously.

Also I think (if I've read it correctly) that LicketySplit's husband has another adult daughter. Maybe, if so, she would have one or two of her nephews to stay the odd weekend if the boys would like it. She will probably be pleased to help her sister's children and feel she is doing something positive for them.

I think I would.

Lots of sadness here..

Putting the question of the father aside, as I understand it there are three children who need looking after. The eldest, (18 years old, almost an adult), lives with you and two younger boys, one of whom is autistic, with the grandmother. I think you have the better deal! It must be very hard for the single grandparent to cope. Perhaps you could offer more respite, perhaps more than one weekend a month. Or swop over the caring duties?

NotSpaghetti

We have no idea if the family was living "as a family" before.
The father may have been living away in the first place.
Maybe all seven were living with just the mum previously.

Also I think (if I've read it correctly) that LicketySplit's husband has another adult daughter. Maybe, if so, she would have one or two of her nephews to stay the odd weekend if the boys would like it. She will probably be pleased to help her sister's children and feel she is doing something positive for them.

I think I would.

Lots of sadness here..

Yes, I wondered if she is nearby and could help.

Living abroad does not mean the father is absolved from responsibility for his children.

were social services involved in this arrangement.
does the GM have a SGO.
maybe it should be reviewed.
those two boys might be better placed with younger foster parents.

No, of course not Callistemon - but it does make the day-to-day stuff harder.

Thank you for all your suggestions, it has made me see things from different perspectives.

Just a few factual updates. We have our daughter, son-in-law and baby grandson living with us currently while they organise a place of their own as well as the eighteen year old grandson – leaving very little spare space.

The grandmother requested that the autistic grandson live with her as she thought he would be better off there.

The adult daughter does not have any interest in having the boys stay with her, they don’t really get on, besides, she has a toddler and is 6 months pregnant.

My husband works full time – leaves at 7am and returns at 6pm – Monday to Friday.

I have recently had to stop working due to deteriorating health.

As you can imagine, it is a difficult time for all of us.