Walking On Eggshells for Critical DIL

Well I haven't done that! I find foul body odour far more offensive

I would just use unperfumed stuff on the days you have the baby.. I can remember being in hospital and having staff dealing with me smelling of perfume and cigarette smoke.. it was really unpleasant.. some people are just very sensitive to smells.. and she is probably super anxious and watching too much stuff on social media though clearly non of the sites about gratitude.. if the benefits you get from being with your GC no longer outweigh the criticism you will have to tell them to find a childminder. that generation is very entitled in my experience.. wait til they have another child and the reality of that hits.. they won't be so critical then

No way would i pander to the parents. I would suggest very strongly they need to find alternative childcare. How ridiculous. Three words Just say no!

I remember smelling the soap my parents used to wash my son when they looked after him, but I never said anything; it was straightforward hand soap and a reputable brand; I simply didn't like the smell.

How has it come about that new parents are so rude towards their own parents, whilst availing themselves of their services? Is it because so many are in their thirties and 'research' everything before they actually have any experience of children?

Parents seem so very touchy with their new borns! If she is behaving like this now how on earth will she cope in the future with the issues that arrive with children as they develop!?
In your shoes I would be very offended indeed!! I have always had my daughter's children - still do. No instructions, no criticism thank goodness , they are just thankful! If
this attitude persists perhaps she would rather pay huge amounts for day care? At least then they would have to deal with her demands. Of course babies are very precious - but really!!!!!??? You shouldn't have to deal with this and I am sure it takes the pleasure of being a GP away. A difficult situation and you have my sympathy, give her time to adjust to parenthood and if things don't improve then it might be wise to diplomatically suggest alternative childcare - and pay for it !!

That’s kind of cutting off your nose to spite your face though.

Presumably the OP actually wants to see her grandchild. If she says “Find somebody else” they will.

They don’t like the smell. Just don’t wear the lotion.

How easy is that?

Ofcourse the world is different Calipso but we older ones are also in it, our help and advice still needed.

J916j916

Hi
I never thought I would have a problem like this. My son and his wife just had their first child (9 mos). They are in their mid 30's. My DIL prior to having the baby tender towards the "she knows better" mentality, but it could be laughed off. Since the baby I can literally do nothing right. Some examples, I've been told not to wear a face makeup I loved because it shouldn't come on his skin. We watch him twice a week so she can work on building up her business, clean house, etc.and I've been given an app to use to look up everything I get for him to make sure it's "safe". She was here when I was feeding him a bottle and told me I was doing it wrong (?), and proceeded to move my body into a positive that was not ever going to work. She even wrapped a boppi pillow around my husband's stomach recently so he would feel like he's nursing (???), Alexa is too loud when we sing nursery rhyms. I could go on and on. BUT, what has led me here is yesterday my son picked him up and mentioned that after he's here she gives him a bath to get the smell of me off of him. What?? He said, I can smell it to. I think it's your lotion. I mean, really? They want to wash his Nana off? I'm crushed. I feel like I'm bending over backwards until almost breaking and that hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

Sorry, but tell them to find someone else .

MercuryQueen

ethelwulf

Sorry, but to be actually told by both parents that they wash the baby to remove your scent would be the last straw for me. At best, insensitive, at worst incredibly rude and hurtful. I'd be telling them to employ a Nanny as they clearly think that you aren't capable of caring for a baby without close supervision. Ridiculous.

Sorry you're having this experience, and not surprised you're hurting. Take back control of your life.

Interesting. My first thought was to wonder how strong a scent was worn.

I wondered about the perfume but there are ways of saying it more kindly.

"Mum, that perfume is really strong, I wonder if you'd mind not using it when you're looking after the baby, please?".
Perhaps the makeup is getting on his clothes, too.

We only know one side of the story.

Georgesgran

???? Which posts aren’t in English?
American grans, Canadian grands and Australian grans are frequent posters, but all in English.

And Welsh Grans!
Lechyd da!

If a parent wants to lay down stringent rules about everything, then they need to put their hands in their pockets and employ someone - then you can lay down what you want.

It all sounds OTT, but, quite honestly, if she has another child, it will probably stop.🙂

There seems to be a new trend blowing through parenting and child rearing in general. I am not sure if it will prove to be successful. Only time will tell. But sure is sure, they will all face a shock when they hit the real world especially now with the growing food crisis, climate crisis, war crisis, housing crisis, fuel crisis etc, etc, etc, etc. Perhaps your DIL may want to rethink that one!

Interesting. My first thought was to wonder how strong a scent was worn
Yes MercuryQueen that was my thought too. Maybe the parents don’t want their house pervaded by the scent, let alone the baby.

As usual Hithere made sensible comments.

ethelwulf

Sorry, but to be actually told by both parents that they wash the baby to remove your scent would be the last straw for me. At best, insensitive, at worst incredibly rude and hurtful. I'd be telling them to employ a Nanny as they clearly think that you aren't capable of caring for a baby without close supervision. Ridiculous.

Sorry you're having this experience, and not surprised you're hurting. Take back control of your life.

Interesting. My first thought was to wonder how strong a scent was worn.

Sorry, but to be actually told by both parents that they wash the baby to remove your scent would be the last straw for me. At best, insensitive, at worst incredibly rude and hurtful. I'd be telling them to employ a Nanny as they clearly think that you aren't capable of caring for a baby without close supervision. Ridiculous.

Sorry you're having this experience, and not surprised you're hurting. Take back control of your life.

In what way do you feel my post is 'dismissive' Grammaretto?

The world is ever changing and we adapt and change with it. Of course babies are the same. My children are doing a brilliant job of raising their families, far better than I ever did because they are able to embrace new knowledge and new technology. But they are doing this in hard economic times.
Do you truly believe the world is no different?

Calipso are things really so different now? I feel this suggestion rather dismissive as though somehow we didn't get it right. We are also in this "oh so different world"
Babies are just the same as they have always been.

I have 7 DGC and they are growing up much like my DC did and likely we did too
Although granted my DM was offering DS chocolate to keep him happy and I told her not to bribe him.
DS aged 3 piped up "give me bribes, grannie, I like bribes!"

???? Which posts aren’t in English?
American grans, Canadian grands and Australian grans are frequent posters, but all in English.

Now I am very sure the world has gone completely bonkers. No wonder there are so many children/young people with mental health problems. What ever happened to plain old fashioned common sense. Yes, we're all cautious with our first babies but for goodness sake the poor children will be immersed in the smell of anxiety directly from their neurotic parents. Granny's perfume can't possibly be worse than that.

Are most Grans on this site American? No objection but just wondering as people don’t use English language.

Our grandson was and is cared for within a large family unit. Distance means we’re rarely involved now although until he was 3 we were regular minders.

Because it was important to us all he felt comfortable and settled his Mum explained - verbally, no lists - the important things in his day to day life such as nap times and food requirements. They seemed to change weekly! Outside of that we all had our different approaches to fun times, he enjoyed spending time with us all and had a wealth of experiences.

No one had or has a problem with it, he was and is happy to go to the different places and people, his ‘minders’ were and are happy as were and are his parents. We could also at any point ask his parents for advice, both provided it quietly with no sense of blame or judgement. It was useful to be able to check in when we were uncertain if when as a toddler he bumped himself. .

Surely that’s enough? No need for stringent rules which seem to be more about anxious parents than the comfort of their child.

Try not to stress about this j916, it feels personal but actually isn’t. If there was real concern about you minding your grandchild you’d simply not be doing it. Their stance may feel ott to many of us but for the parents it’s their preference so best try not to let it irritate and follow as closely as you can.

Whether reasonable or not in your view it would be sensible to adapt to the parental wants The baby will be a toddler soon enough and before you know it off to school. Enjoy this time, rise above the comments and no, you aren’t being unreasonable. Your feelings are your own, you are trying to do your best. Adapt a bit if you can, keep the peace, but don’t stop enjoying precious time with your grandchild.

Tell her to look after the child herself nothing you do will be good enough.

annodomini

What kind of 'lotion' did your DiL and your son identify? Was it hand lotion or body lotion? There are plenty of fragrance-free alternatives, if you really must use some kind of moisturising agent on your skin.

DD was very anxious about parabens when DGC1 arrived.
I think she still avoids them if possible.

I think many new Mums become somewhat obsessive for a while after the birth of their first born. I saw germs lurking everywhere - my baby’s toys actually smelt of sterilising fluid! By the time no2 came along I realised that I hadn’t got the time or the energy for all that

DH still laughs about how I made sure everything was just so with DC1 but by the time the second arrived I was more relaxed then the third arrived and it was all rather laissez-faire.
The problem is that babies can sense if those caring for them are not relaxed and are rather anxious.

What kind of 'lotion' did your DiL and your son identify? Was it hand lotion or body lotion? There are plenty of fragrance-free alternatives, if you really must use some kind of moisturising agent on your skin.