Walking On Eggshells for Critical DIL

Do you look after him twice a week as per your suggestion, or their request?

I think you should suggest they employ a nanny!

A childminder I know asked one of her "mothers" to find another childminder because she couldn't, or didn't want to, meet the very strict rules laid down by the parents.

If your son and DIL can both smell a scent it probably is quite strong. You might be used to the lotion or whatever and not realise how strong it smells. If that is the case, it's not you they want to wash off but whatever the scent is. I wouldn't have liked my baby smelling of scent at that stage either.

Baby skin is sensitive, so the make-up could potentially irritate his skin.

The other things do sound quite demanding (unless Alexa really is loud), but from what I hear that's not unusual for first-time parents. They will probably become more relaxed, so I would just go along with them for the time being.

I agree with Grammaretto providing they can find a nanny, childminder or nursery whose prepared to follow all of their rules. As for the baby being washed to get your smell off of him I'm surprised they allow you to look after him at all.

What a horrible thing to say and no you are not being too sensitive.

I think we’ve all sat next to someone on the train or at the theatre and been aware of the scent they use - and had to come home and shower and wash our hair. Even wash our clothes to get rid of it. Maybe ask a friend or two what they think?

Also one of my children did react badly to lotions of every kind. I was wii

Let them find a nursery. They would really get in my nerves.

Sorry.
My son had a lotion problem.
I was wiping his poor little raw bottom with “soothing “ lotion before I realised what the problem was.

She does sound a bit anxious to get things right but it is her first. She’ll be more relaxed with the next one😬

I'd be handing the child back and telling them to hire a professional child minder who will adhere to their insulting and frankly ridiculous instructions for a fee. Don't put up with this nonsense any longer OP.

I am so glad I had my grandkids 20 or so years ago as there were no rules I looked after them, (they only gave me a check list if there were any specifics like what time to give medication or similar) , otherwise they trusted that I had brought them up to adulthood so I would be perfectly safe to help with their babies
In other words they totally trusted me If the babies stayed over I was NEVER given any rules they knew I would never do anything not in the babies interest

Now it seems there are so many rules and regulations you practically have a time table of when you can pick up or even give a cuddle
Wash your scent off !! what a blooming load of twaddle

No Lathyrus I ve never ever sat near someone and gone home and had to have a shower and wash my hair !!!

Maybe just take a step back and think it through. You don't want to cause a rift, the baby is so young. I am sure you want him in your lives and to enjoy him and watch him grow. Would it be too difficult to maybe not use any lotions or potions on the days you have him? Then after a while if they don't comment on it, you could ask your son if they still feel it necessary to wash him. If he say's yes, they are being over-picky, and that will be a sign of their exacting standards. If they say no its been fine recently, then just quietly accept it, and relax and enjoy him.
There are so many estrangement stories on here, sometimes stemming from the most trivial of issues, surely a little patience and understanding now, would save torment and upset later? Wishing you all the best.

What a ridiculous state of affairs! I get that no one would want to transfer cosmetics or perfume onto a babies skin and I cannot imagine that the OP would deliberately put the baby at risk in that way but bathing him to get Nana's 'scent' off........words fail me!
Tell them to find a paid nanny, they'll soon change their nit-picky ways.

BlueBelle

No Lathyrus I ve never ever sat near someone and gone home and had to have a shower and wash my hair !!!

Really? Have you never had a smell ”up your nose” that you just can’t get rid of?

Perhaps it’s just me then😬🤔😱

I agrée, get a nanny and no lathyrus I’ve never had to shower from sitting next to anyone.

On occasion when OH was traveling by train to spend time together, I would have to send him to shower because of a smell he’d picked up on the journey.
And he got in big trouble after giving a couple of women from the Bowls club a lift - the car reeked for days. I had to take it to be valeted.

Sorry but I do understand the DIL on this one.

I am gasping at the thought that some grans are prepared to change their habits of a lifetime in order to be allowed to care for their own DGC twice a week to give their DS and DiL a couple of childfree days.
What more hoops will you be asked to jump through?.

If they feel that you shouldn't wear a certain makeup because it shouldn't come on his skin they are probably trying to avoid parabens or some other substance and I'd just go along with it. You can obviously apply your favourite creams once the baby has gone.

If your son said, "I can smell it to. I think it's your lotion" then she is not being so ridiculous is she?

Having an app to look for suitable treats/gifts is easy - it means you wont buy anything wrong! Try to embrace it and see it as a bonus - even if you don't understand why.

Also, there are different ideas these days about bottle feeding - hence the boppi pillow. If she is expressing milk she will probably want to try to encourage the little one to take it in a position that is familiar to them. That's all.

Are these really so hard to follow?
Just think I'd get on with it if I wanted to have the infant. I'm sorry you feel you are walking on eggshells but frankly these things are easily remedied.

I'd try to do them if it was my family.
I hope you can come to terms with it.
Good luck.

J916, I'd be hurt as well. This is overboard, especially asking you not to wear makeup. Ridiculous.

I will say that some of us get so used to a scent that we can hardly smell it on ourselves, but it is strong. Maybe don't wear perfume on the days you watch him?

Or maybe make yourself unavailable for a few weeks to re-evaluate.

Lathyrus

On occasion when OH was traveling by train to spend time together, I would have to send him to shower because of a smell he’d picked up on the journey.
And he got in big trouble after giving a couple of women from the Bowls club a lift - the car reeked for days. I had to take it to be valeted.

Sorry but I do understand the DIL on this one.

‘I do understand the DIL on this one.’

I do too. It’s not just you that minds people wearing strong scent in public, Lathyrus. I absolutely hate that. I haven’t actually gone home and had a shower though.

Some people have a very good sense of smell. I would have had to wash my baby too if he smelt of strong scent.

NotSpaghetti

If they feel that you shouldn't wear a certain makeup because it shouldn't come on his skin they are probably trying to avoid parabens or some other substance and I'd just go along with it. You can obviously apply your favourite creams once the baby has gone.

If your son said, "I can smell it to. I think it's your lotion" then she is not being so ridiculous is she?

Having an app to look for suitable treats/gifts is easy - it means you wont buy anything wrong! Try to embrace it and see it as a bonus - even if you don't understand why.

Also, there are different ideas these days about bottle feeding - hence the boppi pillow. If she is expressing milk she will probably want to try to encourage the little one to take it in a position that is familiar to them. That's all.

Are these really so hard to follow?
Just think I'd get on with it if I wanted to have the infant. I'm sorry you feel you are walking on eggshells but frankly these things are easily remedied.

I'd try to do them if it was my family.
I hope you can come to terms with it.
Good luck.

I agree.

I did ask my daughter certain things she wanted me to do, or not. Her reply was well I turned out perfect 😂

If taking care of their child makes resent the parents, stop the arrangements

Your son and dil's concerns are very valid

Hithere

If taking care of their child makes resent the parents, stop the arrangements

Your son and dil's concerns are very valid

No they are not. I looked after my Grandson sometimes when he was a baby and trust me I would not take s... like that of the parents in OP 's case.
My daughter was more concerned about the care I gave and not what perfume I was wearing, she was also grateful as well, she did not behave like a Prima Donna either, unlike the OP's Dil.
I think it's best all round if she puts the baby in a nursery, though she would have to pay for it. I find the Dil attitude entitled and ungrateful. Honestly some people get unpaid childcare and are very demanding.

The first time my daughter left her baby with me I was given pages of instructions. I have a photo of the baby on my knee and I was pointing to the instructions and telling her that she wasn’t following them.
A couple of years later when there was another baby, the two of them were almost thrown in and the parents rapidly disappeared-no instructions!