Walking On Eggshells for Critical DIL

I think many new Mums become somewhat obsessive for a while after the birth of their first born. I saw germs lurking everywhere - my baby’s toys actually smelt of sterilising fluid! By the time no2 came along I realised that I hadn’t got the time or the energy for all that, and had gradually came to realise that babies are not china dolls, and that they don’t actually break.

Being a grandmother is different, you have seen it all (or most of it!) before. Don’t be upset by your daughter in law’s attitude, she is just a new Mum feeling her way. Nine months seems along time, but remember in a child’s life there are so many different stages and milestones for her to get used to. Try to take a deep breath and don’t take things personally, there are new ideas all the time. We know that babies can pick up the vibes if their mother is tense or upset, why not with grandmothers?

Enjoy your grandchild and try to relax.

Lathyrus

BlueBelle

No Lathyrus I ve never ever sat near someone and gone home and had to have a shower and wash my hair !!!

Really? Have you never had a smell ”up your nose” that you just can’t get rid of?

Perhaps it’s just me then😬🤔😱

Yes. I took turns with lifts to work with someone who used one of those strong perfumes, Opium or Poison and it used to make my head ache and I felt nauseous.
I could smell it on me all day too, just horrible.

Many things are highly scented these days and the smells sometimes conflict too.

Is there a need to wear a lot of makeup on days when you're looking after the baby?
Perhaps try cutting back on toiletries or scented ones and see how it goes?

They do sound quite anxious, though and there seem to be so many rules these days about child-rearing!

How does your make up get in the baby's clothes or on the baby?

I wouldn’t put up with that.

Resign immediately! What a cheek and how rude!

Oh dear - first time parents and their rules and "boundaries" - all the rage to be telling people what they should and should not do.

They should be grateful to have your help.

NotSpaghetti

If they feel that you shouldn't wear a certain makeup because it shouldn't come on his skin they are probably trying to avoid parabens or some other substance and I'd just go along with it. You can obviously apply your favourite creams once the baby has gone.

If your son said, "I can smell it to. I think it's your lotion" then she is not being so ridiculous is she?

Having an app to look for suitable treats/gifts is easy - it means you wont buy anything wrong! Try to embrace it and see it as a bonus - even if you don't understand why.

Also, there are different ideas these days about bottle feeding - hence the boppi pillow. If she is expressing milk she will probably want to try to encourage the little one to take it in a position that is familiar to them. That's all.

Are these really so hard to follow?
Just think I'd get on with it if I wanted to have the infant. I'm sorry you feel you are walking on eggshells but frankly these things are easily remedied.

I'd try to do them if it was my family.
I hope you can come to terms with it.
Good luck.

Completely agree. None of these are difficult to follow and some just good sense.

Honestly this just makes sense to me. You’re ready going to give up time with your grandson twice. A week over some
Feelings about your scented lotions ? Of course they don’t want their baby smelling of “nonna”. They likely don’t want their baby smelling at all outside of sweet baby smell. Baby’s have sensitive skin. Additionally using an app to look things up is a great idea it takes the guess work out of what they consider safe. Honestly some grands on here act as though anything short of whatever they want is somehow an affront.

There's a big difference between asking you not to wear anything that smells scented or might contain this or that, she's worried about

and

Everyone without lotions and potions has a natural smell, just who they are, and if she is concerned about that its something to do with "getting MY baby back".

that latter is something psychological, as clearly you aren't trying to "take HER baby away" Yes it's upsetting but it is HER problem not you.

But either way tbh I 'd go along to get along - so many sad tales of estrangement on gransnet - and trust things will ease up in time - fall in, and enjoy your baby grandchild .

What can any kind of confrontation gain you?

I had two kids who were allergic to most brands of diapers. I’d absolutely be asking anyone who wore scented lotion, perfume or makeup that rubbed off on my baby’s skin to please not do so when they were going to be around baby.

My baby’s health, wellbeing and comfort are more important than someone’s cosmetic preferences. Plus my own, since anything with lavender or jasmine gives me a raging migraine.

And yeah, I’ve ABSOLUTELY given baby a bath when they’ve ended up smelling like someone’s perfume or cologne. Sensitive baby skin doesn’t need that.

Lathyrus

On occasion when OH was traveling by train to spend time together, I would have to send him to shower because of a smell he’d picked up on the journey.
And he got in big trouble after giving a couple of women from the Bowls club a lift - the car reeked for days. I had to take it to be valeted.

Sorry but I do understand the DIL on this one.

Of course you do😀

is this a wind-up.
it sounds so cliched.

You can either choose to be offended or you can cut them some slack and remember that they are learning to be parents in a world that is oh so different from the world in which we raised our children. They are doing the best they can. It will be far less work for you to support them in that than to fight against it and risk damaging what should be a lovely relationship.

Liz I know times have changed but we did manage to bring up our own didn't we.

The first time my daughter left her baby with me I was given pages of instructions. I have a photo of the baby on my knee and I was pointing to the instructions and telling her that she wasn’t following them.
A couple of years later when there was another baby, the two of them were almost thrown in and the parents rapidly disappeared-no instructions!

Hithere

If taking care of their child makes resent the parents, stop the arrangements

Your son and dil's concerns are very valid

No they are not. I looked after my Grandson sometimes when he was a baby and trust me I would not take s... like that of the parents in OP 's case.
My daughter was more concerned about the care I gave and not what perfume I was wearing, she was also grateful as well, she did not behave like a Prima Donna either, unlike the OP's Dil.
I think it's best all round if she puts the baby in a nursery, though she would have to pay for it. I find the Dil attitude entitled and ungrateful. Honestly some people get unpaid childcare and are very demanding.

If taking care of their child makes resent the parents, stop the arrangements

Your son and dil's concerns are very valid

I did ask my daughter certain things she wanted me to do, or not. Her reply was well I turned out perfect 😂

NotSpaghetti

If they feel that you shouldn't wear a certain makeup because it shouldn't come on his skin they are probably trying to avoid parabens or some other substance and I'd just go along with it. You can obviously apply your favourite creams once the baby has gone.

If your son said, "I can smell it to. I think it's your lotion" then she is not being so ridiculous is she?

Having an app to look for suitable treats/gifts is easy - it means you wont buy anything wrong! Try to embrace it and see it as a bonus - even if you don't understand why.

Also, there are different ideas these days about bottle feeding - hence the boppi pillow. If she is expressing milk she will probably want to try to encourage the little one to take it in a position that is familiar to them. That's all.

Are these really so hard to follow?
Just think I'd get on with it if I wanted to have the infant. I'm sorry you feel you are walking on eggshells but frankly these things are easily remedied.

I'd try to do them if it was my family.
I hope you can come to terms with it.
Good luck.

I agree.

Lathyrus

On occasion when OH was traveling by train to spend time together, I would have to send him to shower because of a smell he’d picked up on the journey.
And he got in big trouble after giving a couple of women from the Bowls club a lift - the car reeked for days. I had to take it to be valeted.

Sorry but I do understand the DIL on this one.

‘I do understand the DIL on this one.’

I do too. It’s not just you that minds people wearing strong scent in public, Lathyrus. I absolutely hate that. I haven’t actually gone home and had a shower though.

Some people have a very good sense of smell. I would have had to wash my baby too if he smelt of strong scent.

J916, I'd be hurt as well. This is overboard, especially asking you not to wear makeup. Ridiculous.

I will say that some of us get so used to a scent that we can hardly smell it on ourselves, but it is strong. Maybe don't wear perfume on the days you watch him?

Or maybe make yourself unavailable for a few weeks to re-evaluate.

If they feel that you shouldn't wear a certain makeup because it shouldn't come on his skin they are probably trying to avoid parabens or some other substance and I'd just go along with it. You can obviously apply your favourite creams once the baby has gone.

If your son said, "I can smell it to. I think it's your lotion" then she is not being so ridiculous is she?

Having an app to look for suitable treats/gifts is easy - it means you wont buy anything wrong! Try to embrace it and see it as a bonus - even if you don't understand why.

Also, there are different ideas these days about bottle feeding - hence the boppi pillow. If she is expressing milk she will probably want to try to encourage the little one to take it in a position that is familiar to them. That's all.

Are these really so hard to follow?
Just think I'd get on with it if I wanted to have the infant. I'm sorry you feel you are walking on eggshells but frankly these things are easily remedied.

I'd try to do them if it was my family.
I hope you can come to terms with it.
Good luck.

I am gasping at the thought that some grans are prepared to change their habits of a lifetime in order to be allowed to care for their own DGC twice a week to give their DS and DiL a couple of childfree days.
What more hoops will you be asked to jump through?.

On occasion when OH was traveling by train to spend time together, I would have to send him to shower because of a smell he’d picked up on the journey.
And he got in big trouble after giving a couple of women from the Bowls club a lift - the car reeked for days. I had to take it to be valeted.

Sorry but I do understand the DIL on this one.

I agrée, get a nanny and no lathyrus I’ve never had to shower from sitting next to anyone.

BlueBelle

No Lathyrus I ve never ever sat near someone and gone home and had to have a shower and wash my hair !!!

Really? Have you never had a smell ”up your nose” that you just can’t get rid of?

Perhaps it’s just me then😬🤔😱