Walking On Eggshells for Critical DIL

If Alexa is too loud it could damage a baby's hearing. Noise levels we consider normal can still be damaging. Maybe the grandparents are a bit deaf?

I'm allergic to so many things, quite often something perfumed - so I understand the worry over cosmetics and lotions. What's more important, seriously, looking after the baby - or being covered in potential chemical allergens?

If you can't make a few small changes to accommodate their requests, maybe don't look after the child?

Okay , it's possible that your make up and scent are too much.
But I think that you know how to bottle feed as you've had children .

I was lectured on how to feed my grandchildren and told that they mustn't watch TV.
I did lots of creative work with them and read them endless stories - but sometimes I needed to go to the loo !

Say something in protest and you risk not being allowed to see your grandchild .

Perhaps , they can pay for a professional childminder and discover that their endless rules and regulations are too much .

It's difficult as a new mother because there has been so much research into what is safe now and what is not compared to years ago.

I had some basic boundaries with MIL such as holding baby slightly more upright (not completely upright) as that was the only thing that stopped her being in agony all night with colic, not feeding LO chocolate (which she took upon herself to decide to give her it between 6-7 months) and a couple of other basic things.

Of course she had raised kids herself (almost 40 years ago) and knew better.

It's a difficult dynamic because new moms rarely need advice now or need to know what methods were used years ago as everything you need to know supported by current research is available online. Did MIL's kids survive? Yes! But SIDS figures are A LOT lower than back in her days of mothering young children and that's because of modern studies.

I am now NC with my MIL but she sees LO with DH about once a fortnight.

Some of the things you mention sound a bit much but maybe (as far as lotion/perfume) you like the smell and they simply don't? Or find it a little strong/overbearing? Is the idea for you to provide childcare your idea or theirs? You must have walked down the street before and thought how nice or how bad someone's perfume/aftershave smelled. It's not that it's necessarily 'bad' just not to your taste and obviously your choice of lotion/perfume isn't to theirs.

Ultimately this is your grandchild but this is their child so you have now become extended family to their nuclear family.

I wouldn't take offence or get upset by their comments, just take their wishes on board and look into the safety stuff for yourself a bit more - when you look at the research, it's often quite surprising what you can learn.

Just to say you have posted the identical post of two new threads.

Is there a reason?

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

You sound wonderful. I wish I had had the same help that you are offering.
You're giving your time and love twice a week and I think they sound ungrateful and horribly selfish. I'm sorry nothing particularly helpful to add but I hope this improves as little one gets older.
I'd personally be saying you can look after her once a week and just smile through it and focus on being a grandma. Little one will grow up quickly and hopefully see how kind you are x

Floradora9

When I was at work and was given target to meet I used to agree with them all . Then I forgot all about them so do the same agree with everything then do your own thing .

That’s a guaranteed way to destroy trust and a relationship in one fell swoop.

If you have no intention of following the parents requests while minding their child, have the courage of your convictions and say so. Then they can make an informed decision about allowing you to babysit.

Floradora9

When I was at work and was given target to meet I used to agree with them all . Then I forgot all about them so do the same agree with everything then do your own thing .

Hardly a way to build trust with the DIL.

When I was at work and was given target to meet I used to agree with them all . Then I forgot all about them so do the same agree with everything then do your own thing .

Jennana . Jealousy is such a destructive emotion and I'm sorry that your d.i.l.'s is affecting your relationship with her and your GS.

What on earth is there to be jealous of? There will come a time when your GS has another woman in his life and if his mum's jealous of you, how will she cope then?

I am so sorry you guys are going through this because I feel the same with my daughter-in-law. I pray daily because it can get me feeling quite sad. When my Grandson is happy to see me, she gets so jealous that I then won’t be invited for a while after that. I keep praying.

A. Your daughter in law does know better what’s best for her baby. It’s her baby. If you had the idea that you were going to give unsolicited advice or act as a guide to a thirty something year old grown woman, that was unwise.

B. If they can smell your lotion on the baby, it’s too much. Not just for a baby, but in general. Babies have sensitive skin. If you are slathering highly fragrant substances, it’s not in the child’s best interest. But also, can you really blame someone for not wanting their baby’s baby scent erased by some adults scent?

The bottom line is that if this arrangement isn’t working, be honest and let them find other child care. You being resentful that a young mum wants what she believes is best for her baby isn’t going to end well. I’m not saying you are wrong for being annoyed with feeling picked at. But family-as-regular childcare situations are not as ideal as people want to believe. Maybe the best thing for everyone is that granny keeps the job of granny and gives the job of child-miner away to someone more adherent to the parents’ requirements.

Txlakegirl

You should open a new thread so this one is left for the op that opened it

Ohhh heck ! This is sad that all this is aimed your way, its no wonder you are upset. Despite the fact new mums are extra sensitive and protective she is doing nothing wrong in having that stance but I would say that they are bit OTT and very hurtful.

I say this in a nice way.... could you look at her remarks and filter through each 1 and view them outside the box ?

She is maybe stressed with everything and its aiming your way, your son may have mentioned your scent because he's fed up of hearing your DIL going on about it, a lot of things go on that we know nothing about....

I know its very hurtful and at the same time annoying, here you are being a lovely grandma to your little boy and all you're getting is negative remarks...

Dont say too much that causes cracks ..... mind you saying that I think your DIL remarks have already caused a few cracks. !!! I should say dont cause anymore...

💐

This. Intentional or otherwise it’s clear your dil is feeling excluded. I’d think hard on how you may have contributed to that and then sincerely apologize

Txlakegirl

I am basically going through the exact same thing with my DIL. My granddaughter is 10 months old. I have to ask permission to post any pics on social media so I recently posted 2 pics (I got permission from my son). I wanted to post daddy/daughter pics. One of the photos has the back of my DILs head in it. I blew up the picture so you could see the baby's face better andin doing so it cut out a portion of the back of her head. She has thrown a fit and unfriended me and blocked me from her social media and now my son isn't answering. I had no malicious intent and have apologized but she assumes the worst. What do I do?

You mention wanting Daddy/daughter pics. I wonder… have you asked to post any pics of the three of them?

The reaction says that your DIL is feeling excluded. I’d take a step back and look at things, see if there’s anything that might be making her feel that way.

eddiecat78

My MIL had a photo of my DH in her lounge - it was one of our wedding photos with me cut off!

unbelievable... ghastly behaviour

My MIL had a photo of my DH in her lounge - it was one of our wedding photos with me cut off!

Txlakegirl

I am basically going through the exact same thing with my DIL. My granddaughter is 10 months old. I have to ask permission to post any pics on social media so I recently posted 2 pics (I got permission from my son). I wanted to post daddy/daughter pics. One of the photos has the back of my DILs head in it. I blew up the picture so you could see the baby's face better andin doing so it cut out a portion of the back of her head. She has thrown a fit and unfriended me and blocked me from her social media and now my son isn't answering. I had no malicious intent and have apologized but she assumes the worst. What do I do?

I am struggling to understand why anyone would throw a wobbly about having a part of the back of her head cut out of a photo! It isn't really about that though I suspect. For whatever reason she feels that you are trying to exclude her, or are trying to ignore her relationship with your son etc. I am not saying that is what you are doing either deliberately or inadvertently, but I do think you need to think about WHY she might be feeling like that. I hope you can get this sorted.

Obviously, Txlakegirl you can't do anything now other than remove the offending image(s) from social media and let them know you have taken it down. Hopefully things will then settle down and gradually return to an even footing.

If you want to put any more up in future I suggest you promise to post exactly the image you ask permission for and then don't crop it or change it.

Also, you say now my son isn't answering but your post is actually complaining about your daughter-in-law. Why do you think your son isn't answering? - Maybe he sees it as disrespectful towards the person he has chosen to spend his life with? He is presumably cross with you.
It sounds from the outside that they have both found something unacceptable about the image and have acted in unison. He is an adult and his own person - and he was the one who you say let you use them photo in the first place so he probably feels very bad about it too.

Please try, for everyone's sake, to build bridges with your daughter-in-law. Try to see the good in her through your son's eyes - and consider if she may be simply protecting her family unit which is clearly a good thing to do. Could you send her some flowers with a heartfelt apology?

Do not try to cut her out in future in any way or things will not go well. She is the route to peace and harmony.
Good luck.

I am basically going through the exact same thing with my DIL. My granddaughter is 10 months old. I have to ask permission to post any pics on social media so I recently posted 2 pics (I got permission from my son). I wanted to post daddy/daughter pics. One of the photos has the back of my DILs head in it. I blew up the picture so you could see the baby's face better andin doing so it cut out a portion of the back of her head. She has thrown a fit and unfriended me and blocked me from her social media and now my son isn't answering. I had no malicious intent and have apologized but she assumes the worst. What do I do?

Norah

DiamondLily

I've got 5 grandchildren, now adult, and I've never been given a lots of rules or requests...,ever.

I find it all a bit odd. 🤔

Every family is different.

We've an abundance of GC,GGC,GGGc - follow many rule lists.

I'm not one to break rules or 'do things my way.' I readily admit I don't 'know best' for children whom I'm not raising and not full time carer.

No, I'm not saying I would have gone against anything in particular.

The kids just never gave me any lists or requests. They just assumed I wouldn't do anything outrageous.

Which I didn't. 🙂

Don't worry go with the flow eventually the new parents calm down ! Just do whatever rather than become estranged. I've bitten my tongue so many times over the last 8 years But have to agree when DGC 2 showed up it was here they are see you later

How has it been, since you stopped using the banned 'vanilla' item?

DiamondLily

I've got 5 grandchildren, now adult, and I've never been given a lots of rules or requests...,ever.

I find it all a bit odd. 🤔

Every family is different.

We've an abundance of GC,GGC,GGGc - follow many rule lists.

I'm not one to break rules or 'do things my way.' I readily admit I don't 'know best' for children whom I'm not raising and not full time carer.