My DIL will not allow my grandchildren to see my Daughter.

Hithere:

'What is silly for one person is very serious for another' - yes, and some people just look for possible insults or prejudice in innocent remarks. I'm thinking there may be some underlying jealousy that was just waiting for ignition.

If you're hiding your daughter's troubles (as she wants) you may be unwittingly adding to a feeling that she gets special attention. Maybe she ought to talk to her brother?

OP read your update: even more of a reason to steer clear. If you heard the information second hand, let them tell you.

You are perfectly within your rights to tell them you can’t abide if the situation arises. I wasn’t calling you a liar at all, just reminding you that it is better to tell them outright that you can’t tell your daughter not to come around rather than keeping quiet about her and the children being together.

Eddiecat:

I know the parents don’t want her around their children, and that whatever the issues, it’s not for you, the OP or anyone else to decide what they should accept as reasonable or trustworthy enough to be around their children. That is up to the parents alone. They know better than you, the OP, and Smileless because they are the parents. That is the only fact that matters. The parents know better.

Hithere

So, I can see the comment being interpreted as being too much to babysit 3 kids

Now, it is the parents' responsibility to take care of their own kids

If dates have to be postponed for a while - so be it

They are not a need, they are a want

You also said your daughter is pregnant - is there a perceived competition who provides care for the gc?

I am wondering also if my Son and DIL think their childcare would be reduced when the new Grandchild is here but this has never been mentioned. We have time for them all. My daughter runs her own business so will find it very difficult as it is a hands on business. My DIL works a few hours a week. My son has a successful business. They can afford nursery, my daughter will struggle to pay for childcare as her ex has left her with nothing. I am not taking sides and want to support them both equally if possible and see the GC as much as possible also. I do not think my son and DIL will stop me from seeing the GC they do like their date days or sometimes my DIL goes to see her friends and my son catches up with work.

Smileless2012

Respond to the OP if you have something you think may be pertinent to the discussion lyleLyle. I'm not interested in your personal opinion of my point of view and it lends nothing to the discussion.

I’m sorry Smileless. I missed the memo giving you control of how I respond. I do agree that we don’t need to discuss with each other the OP. Have a nice day

Lathyrus

I didn’t mean your daughter was not safe. Not at all.

But there is a difference Betts age and undesirable and sometimes you just don’t want your children within a sphere of influence and that can often come down to the things that might be said within their hearing.

So has your daughter sincerely apologised?

Yes she has, she dosen't comment in front of the children, at least not in my presence and never mentions the parents. However my son and DIL yesterday told my ex husband and his wife in front of the children that they don't want her there, they don't trust her and don't like her. My ex husbands wife was mortified and very upset it was said in front of the girls. I understand though that they may have felt they should have been asked however although my daughter told my ex husband about the fall out my son never has.

grannynoonoo

welbeck

but it is the OP who would miss the GC, i get the feeling she sees it as enjoyable to look after them, rather than as a work task, which it really is.
so, she has to think carefully.
if the parents will not allow their children to be in the aunt's presence, and the aunt is in OP's house, then it follows that the children will not be there.

correct it is the best part of my week. I feel torn. When my daughter has her little girl what then? There isn't only an adult going to banned what about the cousin. Hope they still let the GC come here if I am looking after the new granddaughter

grannynoonoo When my daughter has her little girl what then? There isn't only an adult going to banned what about the cousin. Hope they still let the GC come here if I am looking after the new granddaughter.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Would you wish to mix families who obviously do not get on? If so, why? Ignore their controversy, let them sort it or not - as they choose.

So, I can see the comment being interpreted as being too much to babysit 3 kids

Now, it is the parents' responsibility to take care of their own kids

If dates have to be postponed for a while - so be it

They are not a need, they are a want

You also said your daughter is pregnant - is there a perceived competition who provides care for the gc?

It's up to the parents who they want to be around amd you should stay neutral in this

Your daughter isn't there all the time so maybe just let them know when she is so they can work around it

Hopefully it will all blow over but remember that it will become worse if you become involved or take sides

welbeck

but it is the OP who would miss the GC, i get the feeling she sees it as enjoyable to look after them, rather than as a work task, which it really is.
so, she has to think carefully.
if the parents will not allow their children to be in the aunt's presence, and the aunt is in OP's house, then it follows that the children will not be there.

correct it is the best part of my week. I feel torn. When my daughter has her little girl what then? There isn't only an adult going to banned what about the cousin. Hope they still let the GC come here if I am looking after the new granddaughter

grannynoonoo

Dinahmo

Why have your two adult children fallen out?

My Daughter and DIL have the same group of friends. They have been friends since school. At a recent hen party my daughter made a comment to another friend that if my Son and DIL have more children it would be difficult for us and her father to look after all three at once. Someone overheard and went to my son but the conversation was twisted to say they were putting on us too much. My daughter told them what was said but they chose not to believe her and it just got worse from then on.

My apologies for missing this update. Unfortunately, this is for your children to work out. Yes, it does seem a bit petty. But I can certainly see the conflict in your daughter gossiping about your son's and DIL's reproductive plans, purely because your daughter wants the benefit of monopolizing your time for her own childcare. It' doesn't sound as though son and DIL are taking advantage of you. It sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement. Your daughter is the one at fault for this conflict and it's up to her to fix it.
I stand by my prior comment that your son/DIL have no right to say who you can or cannot have in your home, but they can choose to not take you up on offers to watch their children. Unfortunately, if your daughter isn't going to issue a heartfelt apology or they aren't going to accept an apology, you will have to choose who to accommodate. You may need to visit son/DIL to spend time with the children, rather than the other way around. It certainly feels unfair, but you can't fix their conflicts for them. I'm very sorry you're dealing with this.

I think, if your daughter will be living with you it will be her home for the time she is there. You cannot ask her to be elsewhere when you look after your son's children.

If you want to continue to look after the little ones and also honour your offer of a home to your daughter (and baby) then you may have to go to your son's home to look after his children.

If your daughter is going to continue to go one week to her father's and one week with you (which is what I seem to have picked up) then you can still (presumably) have the children at your home every other week.

I would personally wait till you are specifically "told" though. But I do also think it's wise to have a plan "b" (such as staying at your son's/daughter-in-law's house) if they want a break.

How sad that they haven't found a way through the problem (if that is really all the problem is).
Thinking of you.

Sorry crossed posts🙂

difference between

I didn’t mean your daughter was not safe. Not at all.

But there is a difference Betts age and undesirable and sometimes you just don’t want your children within a sphere of influence and that can often come down to the things that might be said within their hearing.

So has your daughter sincerely apologised?

Lathyrus

Oh dear. Has your daughter apologised for her public opinions on their family life?

She might say it’s been twisted but it was a really unacceptable thing to do even by her own account.

yes she did and they said they accepted her apology but since then haven't spoken to her

Hithere

"It was a silly fall out over a misheard conversation amongst my Daughter and DIL friendship group."

Silly is a very subjective term

What is silly for one person is very serious for another

yes sorry i agree. It seemed silly to me as I felt a conversation was all that was needed to clear this up

Lathyrus

I can see that you don’t want tell your daughter she can’t come to your house. Nobody would want to be in that position.

But if their concerns are genuine and there really is a reason unknown to you why they don’t want your daughter to have involvement with their children, then really you give them no option but to keep the children away.
No caring parent would knowingly place their children in a situation that they thought was bad for them in some way.

On the other hand, if it is just part of the quarrel, they might not want to give up their childcare and they will make a different choice.

If you tell them your daughter will be coming over and the children will be with her, that’s a choice they’ll have to make.

My daughter is safe to be around the children. I would be the first to keep her away if not. They have known she has been in their company over the past few months. My daughter is teaching my Granddaughter horse riding although she does only see her for an hour here or there. The reason this weekend was that my Ex husband invited my daughter over for tea to cheer her up due to the stress she has been under. My son and DIL do not know any of what my daughter has been going through as she has asked us not to tell them.

They don't have the right to say who you can have in your home, but they do have the right as parents to shield their children from anyone they have concerns about. There is clearly a backstory as to why they do not trust your daughter around your children, as painful as that is for you. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you may just have to not have your grandchildren over as long as your daughter is staying with you.

"It was a silly fall out over a misheard conversation amongst my Daughter and DIL friendship group."

Silly is a very subjective term

What is silly for one person is very serious for another

lyleLyle

Your son and DIL are the parents. They made the decisions. You don’t have to like the decisions they make, but you have to respect them. Don’t make yourself the middle man in the conflict between these adults.

It’s clear you judge them, the quip about them going away from the weekend was neither helpful nor any of your business.

If you cannot abide, that is perfectly fine. Tell them. Do not lie to get your way. They are the parents and if they do not want your daughter around their children, be honest and let them make other arrangements. But stay out of it.

And stop placing all of your clear anger on your DIL. Your son and his wife made a parenting decision. Don’t create your villain out if half of the couple just because your feelings are hurt about your daughter.

I agree. I do not judge them at all since my first granddaughter was born I have looked after her most weekends so they can spend time together as I feel that is important and they enjoy it. My son works really hard so a few days away is just what he needs every so often and the bonus is I get to spend time with my grandkids.
Why would I lie to get my way? I don't understand this comment.
I have no anger towards my DIL. We spend a day together every week swimming and cooking with the grandchildren and i look forward to it.

Oh dear. Has your daughter apologised for her public opinions on their family life?

She might say it’s been twisted but it was a really unacceptable thing to do even by her own account.

fell= feel

grannynoonoo

They have bobbed along but yesterday they told my ex husband that they do not want them to see her and said they were going to tell me and my husband the same.

Until you hear such from your son and dil - ignore.

When they tell you they don't want their children near your daughter (for their own reasons and do not ask why) tell them the dates you can accept their kids/their rules. Accept what you want going forward.

Nice of you to believe you need to 'support' your daughter in her time of upset, however your son and dill may not fell at all the same.

One of our 4 daughters lost her husband some years ago (sudden illness). One of the others wasn't as helpful/kind/sad as the others to the widow and her grown children/GC. We marked it up to her own issues at the moment and never questioned her 'cold attitude' - it passed, all is well now.

Ignoring is an easy way to move forward.

I can see that you don’t want tell your daughter she can’t come to your house. Nobody would want to be in that position.

But if their concerns are genuine and there really is a reason unknown to you why they don’t want your daughter to have involvement with their children, then really you give them no option but to keep the children away.
No caring parent would knowingly place their children in a situation that they thought was bad for them in some way.

On the other hand, if it is just part of the quarrel, they might not want to give up their childcare and they will make a different choice.

If you tell them your daughter will be coming over and the children will be with her, that’s a choice they’ll have to make.