My DIL will not allow my grandchildren to see my Daughter.

Hithere

So your son and his sister do not get along- it is up to them to address it and fix it, nothing you can do there

I would stop trying to get both siblings and their kids in the same room

As for her aunt being in the house at the same time their kids are - sensitive subject

Yes, it is your house and if she is there, the parents can tell you she cannot be there

At the same time, if the parents don't want their kids because they don't trust her - it is their prerogative to search for a different babysitting arrangement

Too much missing info here - why do they think your daughter is not trustworthy? What happened?

Small kids love people because they have a good time, give them candy, and do fun things, etc
It doesn't mean, generally speaking, those adults are safe people

I do not get involved between my son and his sister. I do not try to get them all in the same room. I am on pins if one of them is here and the other one turns up.

My daughter is not unsafe around the kids.

It was a silly fall out over a misheard conversation amongst my Daughter and DIL friendship group.

Sorry! Son and daughter

There you go - please manage the relationships with your son and dil separately

Dinahmo

Why have your two adult children fallen out?

My Daughter and DIL have the same group of friends. They have been friends since school. At a recent hen party my daughter made a comment to another friend that if my Son and DIL have more children it would be difficult for us and her father to look after all three at once. Someone overheard and went to my son but the conversation was twisted to say they were putting on us too much. My daughter told them what was said but they chose not to believe her and it just got worse from then on.

They have bobbed along but yesterday they told my ex husband that they do not want them to see her and said they were going to tell me and my husband the same.

They are not present at my house, We have the children for the day so that my son and DIL can have time to themselves. They have a date day usually

what does DIL being at fault mean ?
it is irrelevant anyhow.
so what if she is at fault, whatever that means.
it is her and partner's decision.
unreasonable or not, in others' eyes.
if OP wants to keep in touch with/look after GC, she, OP, will have to respect their wishes.
those who object, what would you suggest.
there is no appeal board she can go to, to present why she thinks they are unreasonable, and win and have what she wants.
so why argue in these terms.
it's a waste of mental energy.
some people seem to want to feel aggrieved.

lyleLyle

I wasn’t inquiring after your interest, but thanks for sharing. I will however call out judgements based on fiction where I see fit. Have a nice day!

But aren't your comments also "based on fiction". No, we don't know that the daughter has behaved in an untrustworthy fashion. But neither do we know that she hasn't, or if the DIL is at fault. So without additional information why are your comments more valid than those made by Smileless?

I have a friend who is in this situation. She had no idea why her son and wife have nothing to do with her daughter.
It’s been going on for nearly 20 years and very upsetting.
My friend is 80 and worries that the next time they meet will be at her funeral. She is probably right, it’s all very sad.

granynoonoo I am dreading them telling me and my husband that we cannot have our daughter here when we look after our granddaughters which we do twice a week.

They've said nothing yet? Wait quietly. Least said, soonest sorted.

If they kick up, tell them that your D will be at your home, on x and x days, please arrange for their children not to be in your home on x and x. (note: not your dil who is in the post title, not solo fault, imo)

Respond to the OP if you have something you think may be pertinent to the discussion lyleLyle. I'm not interested in your personal opinion of my point of view and it lends nothing to the discussion.

Why have your two adult children fallen out?

I wasn’t inquiring after your interest, but thanks for sharing. I will however call out judgements based on fiction where I see fit. Have a nice day!

Yes, that's my conclusion lyleLyle and it's of no interest to me whether you agree or not.

Smileless2012

The question is have they never trusted her? I suspect the answer to that is yes, until the fall out.

And?? Relationships and perceptions change. It’s allowed in life. People learn things about family they’ve known since birth and decide at various points that they no longer want to or should continue a relationship. Who says that any point in life should be a state if permanence, much less relations between people who don’t get along? The daughter clearly displayed behavior or said something that broke the couple’s trust. They are allowed to decide she wasn’t fit to be around the children. Parenting decisions don’t need committee agreement.

Smileless2012

I also agree with everyone's responses. pascal's right, if they do say your D cannot be in your home when the children are there then tell them they'll have to make other arrangements.

I understand that you're worried that you'll be stopped from seeing your GC grannynoonoo but hopefully if you're politely firm, it wont come to that.

I do wish these parents would stop using their children to punish others with by withholding contact with no thought about how this could impact on them.

You've said your GD's adore their aunt so why effectively punish them when there's no need.

I hope you can find a workable solution and wish you luck.

You have zero insight as to why these parents don’t want the daughter around and you’ve miraculously jumped to the conclusion that they are using their children to punish people.

No matter how much we cannot get around our own situations, we don’t get to judge who parents should feel their children are safe around. It’s not a group decision. If the OP cannot see the grand without her daughter, all she needs to is say so. It’s not up to her to tell these parents who is and isn’t safe for their children to be around.

but it is the OP who would miss the GC, i get the feeling she sees it as enjoyable to look after them, rather than as a work task, which it really is.
so, she has to think carefully.
if the parents will not allow their children to be in the aunt's presence, and the aunt is in OP's house, then it follows that the children will not be there.

Your son and DIL are the parents. They made the decisions. You don’t have to like the decisions they make, but you have to respect them. Don’t make yourself the middle man in the conflict between these adults.

It’s clear you judge them, the quip about them going away from the weekend was neither helpful nor any of your business.

If you cannot abide, that is perfectly fine. Tell them. Do not lie to get your way. They are the parents and if they do not want your daughter around their children, be honest and let them make other arrangements. But stay out of it.

And stop placing all of your clear anger on your DIL. Your son and his wife made a parenting decision. Don’t create your villain out if half of the couple just because your feelings are hurt about your daughter.

The question is have they never trusted her? I suspect the answer to that is yes, until the fall out.

So your son and his sister do not get along- it is up to them to address it and fix it, nothing you can do there

I would stop trying to get both siblings and their kids in the same room

As for her aunt being in the house at the same time their kids are - sensitive subject

Yes, it is your house and if she is there, the parents can tell you she cannot be there

At the same time, if the parents don't want their kids because they don't trust her - it is their prerogative to search for a different babysitting arrangement

Too much missing info here - why do they think your daughter is not trustworthy? What happened?

Small kids love people because they have a good time, give them candy, and do fun things, etc
It doesn't mean, generally speaking, those adults are safe people

welbeck, then it's up to the parents to arrange alternate childcare. I wouldn't let anyone dictate to me about who's 'allowed' in my house - all are welcome.

of course it is up to the parents whom they allow to see their children.
who else's decision would it be ??

why don't they trust her.
ultimately, it's their decision who their children are exposed to.
i imagine they were more annoyed about the w/e because they were not present when their children were mixing with the aunt.
whereas at your house they are present, so can monitor any interaction.
you have to think carefully.
estrangement starts like this.
whatever the rights and wrongs, it is their decision.

I agree with pascal30 and smileless. I am astonished by the number of grandparents being held hostage by their adult children who use grandchildren as a weapon. Such entitlement to think they can dictate who sees who within the family. Your DD has enough on her plate; it is not up to your son and his fiancee to dictate who visits your or your ex husband's home. Just how do they plan to tell their children that they cannot see their beloved auntie?

Apologies it is the same son. They are getting married next month.