My DIL will not allow my grandchildren to see my Daughter.

This sounds like one of those situations where Daughter, Son and DIL need to sort of their differences between themselves.

Try and stay neutral - the whole thing sounds trivial, but sibling rivalry can be powerful.

If your daughter will be living with you for x days a week, then of course she's entitled to be there those days. It's her home for those days. The same applies the days she's living with her father.

If she's got horses, then, of course, she needs to look after them - animal welfare can't hinge on family squabbles.🙄

You son and DIL can, obviously, decide who they don't want seeing their children. But, they don't get to decide who is in your home.

Not their decision.

If the days clash, then they will either have to sort out things with your daughter, or starting lamming out for paid childcare.

The reality of what they can cost might bring about a change of heart.

But, other than that, stay out of it.

They are all adults.

Best wishes.💐

You could see a solicitor and forever ensure your son and DIL keep you away from their children for such a vicious overstep as suing for “grandparents rights”, which do not exist.

I wonder if people care that actual families are affected by posting ridiculous and divisive “advice”.

DS & DiL are getting married next month, could this be to do with the stresses running up to the big day?
Quite simply, I'd tell them all you refuse to be in the middle of their arguments and if having your DD at her home/s means them having to pay for childminders in future then that's what they must do!!
I'm sure DiL just loves that they get childminders free, and so having to fork out a lot of money for strangers to look after her children may not seem as good - especially as they'd have to add to their stresses to find just the right one at just the right price etc!!
You could also see a solicitor about grandparents rights!

Are you sure you’ve got the full story of the falling out? Who told you the details your daughter or your son?

If your daughter I’d be wary of it being a very toned down version of what was actually said. Either way though it’s up to them who they have around their children.

No they cannot ban someone from your house, but they may just stop letting their children be there without them incase your daughter turns up if they don’t feel they can trust you to not keep them separated. I’d also assume this will extend to the new baby once here as why would they want the child of someone they don’t want around their child, around their child.

Good post silverlining.

I see it as a relatively thoughtless remark among friends which doesn’t deserve the response from your son and dil. If she has apologised surely that should be enough.
Comments passed on are often twisted into something worse by the repeating from one to another.
I am sorry you are in this situation.

What daughter said was definitely wrong

I think this might be because she wants a slice of childcare pie

But it is up to parents how many children they have and up to grandparents if/when/how many children they are happy to look after

Daughter should never have said this, rude to her brother and her parents

grannynoonoo My Daughter and DIL have the same group of friends. They have been friends since school. At a recent hen party my daughter made a comment to another friend that if my Son and DIL have more children it would be difficult for us and her father to look after all three at once. Someone overheard and went to my son but the conversation was twisted to say they were putting on us too much. My daughter told them what was said but they chose not to believe her and it just got worse from then on.

It sounds as if your daughter's unnecessary comment (how would she ascertain how many children you could childmind at once?) coupled with the misstatement is cause to the problem. Ignore it.

Until she tells others her secrets, she'll not find understanding from others, if she even wishes others to understand her dilemma (I'd wish to keep private as well). Surely your support of her, in this time is enough?

If someone does feel the need to repeat it however, they should make sure they only pass on what was actually said which wasn't the case here or in MercuryQueen's last post.

Agreed @MercuryQueen.

No good ever comes from speaking ill of family’s personal choices, especially so recklessly that it can be overheard. Bad form smh. No one is responsible for anyone else’s words or choices. Nothing would be “overheard” if nothing was said. Not every topic needs to be discussed outside the family.

Not according to the OP MercuryQueen. Her D told a friend if her brother and his wife had any more children, it would be difficult for her parents to look after all 3 at once. No mention of the amount of childcare her mum provides and no mention of her hope that they don't have anymore children.

Smileless2012

Whoever overheard the conversation and twisted what was said is the negative gossiper, not the OP's daughter.

The daughter was gossiping about the amount of childcare her mother does for her brother and hoping he doesn’t have more kids.

There’s no positive spin on that. Especially commenting on their family planning.

Well over the years you obviously haven't seen all the posts I've made Grams2five because when I think that a parents decision to cease contact with a family member is right, I say so.

If there is any projection going on here it's not coming from me.

It's a parents choice who is involved in their kids lives - full stop. As I've already said, I have never said otherwise and despite you claiming to have read my posts on countless threads and despite my asking you too, you've failed to give even one example where I've done so.

A parents right to decide who can and cannot interact with their children doesn't mean that it's always the right one. It seems for some that it is but is isn't always the case for me.

Well it would seem your parents x has certainly been told now does it ? It seems quite clear all
Around that your son and dil don’t want daughter around their children- their decision. Were I yourself or your ex I would be sure to abide by that / whether that means not having daughter over when you’re with the children or simply letting your son know that daughter is at the house and you’ll need to see them at their place or not at all. Is entirely up to you. But I certainly wouldn’t involve myself any further

Smileless2012

What does drug use and addiction have to do with this discussion Grams2five? When have I ever suggested that parents shouldn't/don't have the right to choose who has influence over and access to their children for Pete's sake.

At every turn smileless. You simply never believe the person choosing to limit or end contact is correct - on countless threads you want to bash the cruelty and poor behavior of anyone doing so - how far they use their kid as punishment - over the years I’ve never once seen you seem to recognize that ts a parents decision who their children is around and that sometimes
They’re well
Within their rights to limit or simply cut off contact. It’s projection at its finest. It’s a parents choice who is involved in their kids lives - full stop.

I did wonder if it was the case that no one had been told grannynoonoo which makes more sense than your ex knowing your D wasn't to be with the children, being invited and then putting a photo of them on the family chat group, where your son and d.i.l. were sure to see it.

What does drug use and addiction have to do with this discussion Grams2five? When have I ever suggested that parents shouldn't/don't have the right to choose who has influence over and access to their children for Pete's sake.

Grams2five

So this isn’t your fight. You have zero say in the choices your SON and the mother of his children make die their children. They have decided they don’t want to it daughter around them . Or at least no around them unsupervised by them. That is their right. You get to decide only your part here Which is to say you won’t be able to have the grandchildren over because your daughter will be there at her will, or respect their choices and perhaps visit the grandchildren at their home etc instead. Of course you’re allowed to say you have in your home but they’re allowed in turn to say your grandchildren then. Can’t be there.

Your ex and his wife were wrong to increase daughter over to spend time with the children when they know the parents don’t want her around their kids. Of course they were upset.

Non of us had been told that my daughter was not allowed to spend time with the children.

Smileless2012

Whoever overheard the conversation and twisted what was said is the negative gossiper, not the OP's daughter.

As usual you’re sure anyone being kept from someone else’s children is always in the right. What next ? Family shouldn’t be cut off for addiction? Drug use ? You have no idea if daughter was in the wrong or not - no one does here. What’s wrong is never seeming to think it’s a parents right to choose has influence and access to their children. For Pete’s sake !

Whoever overheard the conversation and twisted what was said is the negative gossiper, not the OP's daughter.

The basic issue is, your daughter was gossiping negatively about her brother and his wife. Now they don’t want her around, presumably to prevent further gossip.

Certainly not an unreasonable choice on their part. They accepted her apology, but that doesn’t mean they trust her, and likely wonder what else she’s been saying behind their backs.

All you can do is be honest: she’s going to be living with you part time, and if they choose to make other childcare arrangements, you understand.

So this isn’t your fight. You have zero say in the choices your SON and the mother of his children make die their children. They have decided they don’t want to it daughter around them . Or at least no around them unsupervised by them. That is their right. You get to decide only your part here Which is to say you won’t be able to have the grandchildren over because your daughter will be there at her will, or respect their choices and perhaps visit the grandchildren at their home etc instead. Of course you’re allowed to say you have in your home but they’re allowed in turn to say your grandchildren then. Can’t be there.

Your ex and his wife were wrong to increase daughter over to spend time with the children when they know the parents don’t want her around their kids. Of course they were upset.

Oh dear grannynoonoo well you D's explained what the overheard conversation was actually about can do no more.

I hope for your sake and your GD's that what's happened between their parents and their aunt will not impact on them being able to spend time with you.

No one wants to take sides with their own children and children shouldn't put their parents in a situation where they may feel the need to do so, and/or make their parent(s) feel torn.

If they do tell you they don't want your D in your home when the children are there, all you can reasonably do is tell them in advance that this will be the case and that you'll understand if they feel the need to make alternative arrangements.

Thank you eddicat . We are all giving advice and voicing our opinions and it's up to the OP which they choose to take on board or disregard.

Well the OP says they’ve deliberately kept her circumstances secret from her brother, so I don’t think he can be castigated got nothing offering support for something he doesn’t know about!

If your daughter has had a tougher time as you have described then her brother should be supporting her and he and his wife should be finding a way to put differences aside and move on. What's done is done, leave it in the past and learn from it, don't use it as a weapon to destroy people.