Do they say ‘Thank you ‘?

Wow I’m so glad to see my children are not the only ones !!! I always feel terrible when they do not respond or acknowledge e transfer gifts of money or gifts sent by mail by their grandparents . I thought I had raised a more grateful child my oldest and his wife ate the worst of the bunch .
I wish I could like some replies , not let it bother . I’ve told their grand mother to stop sending anything if it never gets acknowledged as clearly it’s not meaningful to them if they don’t reply in any way. They are on their phones constantly I don’t see how hard a quick text with 2 words could be .

One good reason for the recipient of a present to say (by whatever means) a brief 'thank you' is because, if the present is being sent by post, it's not 100% sure it will arrive. Packages and parcels do get lost.

I genuinely don't understand why the courtesy is just dismissed as not being the 'done' thing anymore... and we are even castigated for suggesting that it should be and told that you shouldn't give gifts expecting anything in return!

When I send a present to anyone, I don't expect effusive thanks on the dot - but I do expect a brief message that lets me know the present has arrived. Just a simple, 'thanks for the xxx it arrived today / last week / whenever'. Can someone explain why that is now seen as expecting too much and is, in fact, wrong? I obviously need to adjust my thinking here.

For twelve years I gave my neighbours GD a present on her birthday and Christmas. Then later on presents for her plus when her own baby came along and each time for birthday and Christmas. Not once did I get a thank you, so when she became 18 that was it. I consider this to be totally ill mannered and ungrateful.

Franbern, I thought so too. The logic for the Judge ruling partly for the daughter in the Ilott case was that the daughter, by not working, had little hope of a pension, had five kids and needed the money.

Just gets better and better, doesn't it!

I have always understood it that if I wished to disinherit any f my chiuldren in mhy will, I should also state the reasons for so doing. CLearly to show it was not just on a whim.

By clearly stating that I have dne this thught and deliberately due to their behaviour (and even explain that), then even though they mauy then challenge the will, they are very unlikely to win. The Courts just want to be absolutely sure as to your wishes and intentions.

My God daughter is now well into middle age; I have sent birthday and Christmas gifts all her life, and since she left home at about twenty I have not had one acknowledgement or thank you. At twenty one, thirty and forty she has had jewellery, and to be honest I don't know if all of these items have reached her. She lives some distance from me, and when we have met very occasionally at social events she never mentions her presents. She was wearing the silver bracelet we sent for her thirtieth on one occasion - my DH gets angry and says I should send just a card, but I care for her mother - and her - and I would feel mean. Perhaps I am deluded - who knows?

I think it is quite sad how the withdrawal of gifts is considered the way forward. I thought that giving a gift was because you wanted to give not for what you want to receive. Surely if you feel that strongly about it, you should say something about it to parent or child rather than just treating somebody differently. It just strikes me that is passive aggression which won't teach them to be polite, they won't know what it is they have done. Nothing changes that way and relationships are damaged. If you truly love someone, surely you don't want to damage that relationship without trying to put it right no matter what their age is. You also risk damaging the relationship between siblings if you treat them differently.

Ilott V Mitson, a very interesting case!

Have you read ‘Some thoughts on Ilott V Mitson by Alex Troup St John’s Chambers.

He was at school with my sons.

Hi, nightsky2. I thought that until a solicitor of my acquaintance disabused me. Anyone with a 'reasonable expectation' of inheritance can challenge a Will. And a couple of years back a ruling was given partially in favour of the daughter of a woman who had not included her offspring who was living a life similar to thomasina34's grown up child. While the daughter did not get all she wanted from the estate, she did get a share:
A landmark ruling which saw a daughter overturn her estranged mother's will could pave the way for others to do the same - even if is against their wishes:
............
"Melita Jackson wrote a letter explaining why she was not leaving a penny to Heather Ilott, who eloped when she was 17.

Instead she wished her net estate of around £486,000 to be split between The Blue Cross, the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds and the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

But Mrs Ilott took her case to the Court of Appeal after her mother died in 2004 aged 70 and has now been awarded £163,000.

They added Mrs Jackson had "no connection" with the charities she stated her money should be left to during her lifetime.

Law experts have warned more wills could be challenged by surviving adult children following the ruling.

Gary Rycroft, a member of the Law Society's wills and equity committee, said: "This ruling is saying that while you can still disinherit your children, you are going to have to explain why and show connections with those you are leaving the money to."
.........
Grans, if you can't get on with your nearest and dearest, forge connections with well intentioned charities or spend it! .

I must have been in the minority as a child because I actually enjoyed writing thank you letters. My sister hated doing it, so I was delegated by Mum to write for both of us- ‘On behalf of my sister and myself….’

Azalea99

I was horrified to realise that all three of my ACs did not consider it necessary to send thank you messages for wedding presents. I only realised when I commented that I hadn’t received thanks from a nephew. My ACs insist that it’s no longer the done thing. I find this attitude unacceptable.

My ACs insist that it’s no longer the done thing. I find this attitude unacceptable.

When did manners and civility stop being the "done thing"? And so many on here appear to be cool with it!

When these young people go into the workplace I'm fairly sure they'll discover that they will be expected to say please, thank you and excuse me at various times.

If someone gives you a gift, it truly is at root just a basic courtesy to acknowledge that you've received it. If the recipient can't be a**ed to at least text a "thanks!" - because that's all it takes - then it's a pretty poor show.

Fortunately, I don't believe it is 'no longer the done thing'. That's just an excuse to cover up complete self-centredness.

As children we always had to write the dreaded thank you letters after birthdays and Christmas for presents received. I also made sure my children done the same and they equally hated doing. I always told them that if someone takes the time and thinks of you by giving a gift it's the least you can do by thanking them.
Currently my daughter's children normally send a thank you wee WhatsApp video, I'm happy with this, people don't write much anymore and I do see them regularly. My other children thank me on behalf of their children, at least that's something. Good manners are so important in life and cost nothing.

The law does not say that!. You can leave your money to whoever you like.

Vintagenonna

pascal30, thank you for your kind words.

thomasina34 you must feel the stuffing has been knocked out of you.

One of the more annoying aspects of all this is that even if we WANTED to dispossess our kids when we die by leaving them nothing in our wills - the law says we can't do that.

A older and very wise friend of mine (Malcolm), watching the horlicks his son had made of an inheritance from a grand-parent, and anticipating he would be next on the list of generous 'donors', muttered to me that his own will would read : "I, Malcolm, being of sound mind have spent the lot." I hope he managed it.

Not sure that’s correct about not being able to leave nothing to adult children.

I thought you could leave your estate to whoever you like and if you decide not to leave anything to your kids you could say so in your Will and give reasons why you were doing so. You might say you have provided for them all their lives but now wish to leave it to the cat’s home/another charity/some other person.

GSM?

We saw our DGC yesterday as they are going on holiday tomorrow and they wanted to give me some flowers they had bought for me for my birthday. DGS was 14 last week and he thanked us for the money we gave him. DGD also thanked us for the holiday money (ice creams) we gave her.

When our sons were small they always had to write thank you letters but I do remember how they had to be told a hundred times to do so as they hated writing them. DGC never write us letters and that doesn’t bother me but I did have to say a couple of years ago that we had never seen their hand writing and not long after we got two very nicely written letters from them.

I used to give presents to my sister’s grandchildren but her son never thanked me or invited me over. I used to check the gifts had arrived, then I changed to a cheque which was cashed but never thanked. My niece has always said thank you and kept in touch. Today I have made a new Will and I have left a small legacy to her but not to my nephew!

My girlfriend once returned a gift to me because her son (who was the intended recipient) would not write a thank you letter. I was not at all happy about that. My gifts are unconditional. Oh thanks are okay but, if done under duress, absolute rubbish.

I have been known to forget to ring and thank people. It isn't intentional and I will have thought about doing it often but for some reason, it is always the wrong time or perhaps I've not got an answer when I have rung. It isn't that I am ungrateful but I do have an appalling memory and get easily distracted. It is in every area of my life so if someone is giving me a present they probably know just where I'm coming from...or not!

My children and my grandchildren are always appreciative and always say thank you
However, I haven't always received the same courtesy from others
I guess everyone is different though

Yes my grandchildren all say Thank you, one teenager and 3 under elevens

It’s not just the younger generation that do this. I’ve sent birthday and Christmas presents to my aunt, uncle and cousin (cousin is now in their 60’s, Aunt and Uncle in their late 80’s.) I don’t see them often and wouldn’t know that the gifts had arrived if it wasn’t for the post office tracking.
They are my only family and don’t want to fall out with them, but would like to know if I have offended them. They seem ok when I visit but I do get upset that there’s no acknowledgment of my gifts.
My cousins children always send thank yous. Maybe the adults don’t think that it’s necessary for them to model politeness?

My DM gives cheques to her GC for Christmas and birthdays and my AC always ring her and thank her as she doesn’t have a mobile . They were brought up to say please and thank you as were I . My brothers kids never thank me for presents .

Four of my AC have their own children (age range 23 down to 11 yrs). With all of them I have followed the same rule - present (checked with parents or their own 'Wish List') until they go to Secondary school, and then cash. So, as from 2023 they are ALL into the cash area. Set amounts for birthdays and Christmas. Also other cash pressies when they change from Primary to Secondary Schools, when they pass any GCSE's. and again when they do A levels or equivalent. Also, when they graduate/

I do not want nor expect hand written letters etc. but do expect an acknowlegement of safe receipt of this money via email, etc. etc.

Just two of them do not do this, sisters - their Mum (my daughter) is an Educational Psychologist!!!. Even on the occasions when I actually see them and hand them notes for spending money they do not thank me. I am so tempted NOT to send them anything again, but can imagine the furore that would cause.

Once they get past 18 yrs I do drop the amounts I send, but one g.daughter who not only always thanks me but then goes on to say how she uses the money - still gets the same amount from me as the younger ones. Probably unfair of me - BUT .....my money, my choice.

It seems to be the thing these days not to say thank you. I gave a grandson £200 for his wedding them £200 toward the nursery when they were expecting the baby. On top of that I also send money for birthdays and Christmas, do I get a thank you - no I don't. I have other grandchildren I treat them all the same but sometimes I wonder why I do it, they are far wealthier than I, nver a thank you.

Thomasina34 that is really awful. So sorry....