Gransnet forums


Do they say ‘Thank you ‘?

(90 Posts)
MrsKen33 Wed 16-Aug-23 10:34:44

I know this has been discussed before, but would like your views on this situation.
My GDs , now in their teens have only very occasionally thanked members of the family for presents.
My aunt and sister, who have always sent generous presents have decided enough is enough and will send no more. Do I tell my son and the reason why ?
I have told my GDs often that a text or WhatsApp is acceptable but that has been ignored also.

annsixty Wed 16-Aug-23 10:44:17

It is a problem I also have with a few members of my family.
I have also decided enough is enough .
I really would be happy with a text or WhatsApp but even this is too much it seems so I have decided I also can’t find the time to send a cheque or do a Bank transfer.
It really is their loss and my gain.

annsixty Wed 16-Aug-23 10:46:53

I realise that sounds so impersonal but at 86 I don’t do shopping anymore and even if I did I don’t see them enough to know their taste.

Foxygloves Wed 16-Aug-23 10:48:35

Funny I was just thinking that!
Eldest GS (13) is a joy, affectionate, friendly, great company easy to be with but while he may think “thank you”, I noticed the last time he stayed, he didn’t always say it.
His younger brother (11) is equally affectionate and fun to be with (on his own, but can be a trial apparently at home with his siblings) but on his recent visit I got a thank you after every meal!
If presents are given in person and one is thanked, I think that is enough although our children also had to write ThankYou or “bread and butter” letters (under duress) after Granny and Grandpa had left.
So, is showing appreciation enough? Worth thinking about.

Calendargirl Wed 16-Aug-23 10:51:56

My own GC get money in with a birthday card which is put through their front door the day before. (18 and 15).

No, they never respond with a “Thanks Granny and Grandad for the money” text or what’s app.

If they were given it face to face, they would say thank you.

It saddens me, but it wouldn’t stop me giving to them.

My own DD and DS were certainly brought up differently, but it hasn’t carried on with their own children obviously.

I very much doubt if anyone else gets thanked either.

I would never mention it though, just grumble to DH.😡

Calendargirl Wed 16-Aug-23 10:56:36

Also, when our own children were young, they knew that after visiting either GP’s for Sunday tea, they would say ‘thank you for having me’ when we left.

Never said by our GC though.

Grandma70s Wed 16-Aug-23 10:57:28

It’s a problem. My grandchildren are all right, but my nephew and his wife are terrible. I send birthday presents to their two young children (age 3 and 6 now), and have never had so much as a thank you text or phone call. The children aren’t really to blame. They are too young to think of it themselves - perhaps the six year old might - but their parents should be teaching them to say thank-you for presents.

Blondiescot Wed 16-Aug-23 11:06:24

I was brought up to believe that a present wasn't yours until you had said 'thank you' for it, and tried to instill that ethos into my own children too.

biglouis Wed 16-Aug-23 11:12:55

Broadening the discussion out a bit I think the last generation of parents were often very lax at teaching their children basic civilities like "please" "thank you" and "excuse me" when they received a small favour or wanted to ask for something. Im told that some younger people even find the use of these phrases demeaning.

This is not just "modern" behaviour. When I first came to Manchester back in the 1980s I was in a bookshop leafing through a book when a couple came up behind me. I did not notice them until the male said, in a sarcastic tone "Yes I will when this lady moves out of the way."

I rounded on them and told him in my "teacher voice" that this lady would move when he behaved like a gentleman and used words like please and excuse me. Followed by the enquiry "Did your parents not teach you any social skills." His mouth dropped open in surprise. His female companion then put in "Shes right you know. Sometimes you make me feel ashamed."

I felt sorry for her. If he behaved like that to a stranger I wonder how he treated her. If I was out with a man who behaved like that or was rude to serving staff it would be a massive red flag and I would dump him.

As a child I was made to write thank you letters. Nowadays I would probably just send an email. Young people who grow up not having learned the most basic social skills are not going to fare well in the workplace.

tanith Wed 16-Aug-23 11:16:39

They don’t always say thank you but I don’t let it bother me now.

Georgesgran Wed 16-Aug-23 11:18:49

To be honest, it doesn’t bother me. Nice if it happens, but I don’t lose any sleep if it doesn’t. Once or twice, I’ve had a picture of something bought with a gift voucher, many months after.
DGS1 always thanks me for having him, but at 5, just words he’s been told to say?
I certainly wouldn’t stop gifting because of no thank-you messages/notes.

Grandmabatty Wed 16-Aug-23 11:20:51

My daughter and son in law insist that both boys say thank you (one is 4 and the other is 20 months). The 4 year old has beautiful manners and thanks me for his lunch, taking him out, gifts etc. The 20 month old now says 'ta' when given something. So I don't think it's a younger generation thing necessarily.

Smileless2012 Wed 16-Aug-23 11:22:04

I do think it's a shame when there isn't a thank you and understandably hurtful but it's up to your aunt and sister to tell your son that they're no longer sending gifts and why, if they want him to know.

Kate1949 Wed 16-Aug-23 11:22:43

We only have one grandchild. When she was small, everyone got a thank you card. Now she is in her 20s, she thanks everyone either by phone or text.

Dee1012 Wed 16-Aug-23 11:36:24

I was taught from an early age to say please/thank you, excuse me etc and I raised two boy's the same way.

If they receive a gift in person, their thanks are immediate and if sent something, they will call, text, email or send a letter....both are now in their 40's.

I think it goes further though...if they are visiting and I make tea/coffee for them, I'm thanked and I do likewise at their homes. However when visiting friends etc, it's something I rarely hear!

timetogo2016 Wed 16-Aug-23 11:43:55

I used to send £20 to my nephew and niece,never got a thank you even from the parents.
After 2 years of nothing i stopped sending anything.

Theexwife Wed 16-Aug-23 11:51:05

If your son has not taught them good manners then I doubt he would thank you for pointing it out.

It doesn’t really bother me, some teens in our family send thank-you texts, but some do not, I shall still send gifts.

Shelflife Wed 16-Aug-23 11:52:19

Of course they should say " thankyou"!! My GC have been guilty at times but more often than not we receive a thankyou message. I am not interested in modern social behaviour- showing appreciation is basic good manners!!!

MrsKen33 Wed 16-Aug-23 12:04:20

Thanks everyone. And yes it is not my place to tell my DS. We did bring him up to say thank you, have good table manners etc. But this does not seem to have been passed on. I wonder why?

Hithere Wed 16-Aug-23 12:23:30

Yes, it is polite to say thank you

If I give a present, it is without strings attached, thank you or not.

Could those presents be also passive aggressive messages?

Only if son asks why it stopped, tell him why

Smileless2012 Wed 16-Aug-23 12:28:12

I don't think that wanting to be thanked for a gift is one with strings attached, or that gifts can be viewed as passive aggressive messages.

Good manners can take us far in life, bad manners or none at all not so much.

ParlorGames Wed 16-Aug-23 12:36:08

Mrs Ken, as it is your Aunt and sister who are ceasing buying presents due to absence of gratitude from your GD's I would certainly not explain any reasons for their action to anyone - not your place.
If the GD's have issue with receiving nothing from Auntie and Great Auntie then that's tough - they might learn from it, they might not.
Don't get involved and if your DS asks you why, direct him to the Aunts and let them sort it out between them.

MerylStreep Wed 16-Aug-23 12:36:22

Thankfully my grandchildren are very bribable.
They know that no thank yous means no money 😄
We do joke about it.

sodapop Wed 16-Aug-23 12:39:04

I agree Smileless2012

Primrose53 Wed 16-Aug-23 14:37:32

Seems there are a lot of ungrateful young people about and I have to say I hear the same from many friends.

I have 4 nieces on two sides both with own children. I sent them generous money gifts and knitted clothes when their kids were born. I paid for a fantastic cake to be made for a joint christening. One side I never got any thanks and I said as much to their Mum who just said they are SO busy. I said how long does it take to send a ❤️ text? That would do for me. The other side I see more often and I usually have to ask and then they say “oh yeah, they were lovely.”

So by the time the kids first birthdays came round I had decided I wasn’t going to start doing birthday presents. I just send a card. The kids are now 14, 2 x 12, 11 and 8 and then 2 x 7 year olds. I don’t send Christmas gifts either because all of them get so much which is sold a few months later at car boot sales.