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Partner total personality change.

(21 Posts)
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Bird40 Wed 16-Aug-23 20:48:22

After divorce I said "never again". The relationship was abusive. It was all I ever knew.

I met someone new several years ago. He seemed kind,practical and unflappable. Wonderful!He asked me to marry him, the kids and I moved over to his house (I regret this now, but due to lack of bedroom space we didn't move into the house. I used my savings and took out a loan to buy a static.
Things started to go wrong within weeks....he didn't want to stay 'at mine' and I realised that, what I thought of as charming eccentricity was actually a terrible hording issue....dishes not taken out the sink for days and days, piles of dirty things in every room, broken furniture etc etc. I had thought with me there, that me helping with housework etc that we would slowly start making the main house a home. I used to wash up and clean and then within a few days it would be piled up again...his kids...things all over floor, no boundaries or respect for anything.
The furniture is so old that it's smeared in dark marks...so awful that my kids won't use the sitting room...I thought it was due to low mood and money issues,but he was recently given a new sofa..lovely one too!....a week later it's still on its side in the living room.
Obviously I've offered to help numerous times over the years and he earnestly replies that this would be great etc etc and if we could just make a start it would help him, but four years on, I've done this umpteen times and although I now go very gently, it seems to distress him.
He says we are all welcome in the house, yet there is no where to sit, no proper furniture....it is beyond distressing and I cannot believe that I have been as stupid and naive as to think he just needed a "woman's touch " maybe he wants to live liek this but when I said this to him he hit the roof, saying he hates it etc etc.
But if I ask him how I cam help, I can see the panic in his face.

He recently started having almost like teenage tantrums..its the best way to describe it. I've tried hard not to move things or try to change things. I've not been some bolshy woman marching Into the house....we stayed in our static caravan most of the time...just to keep away from any upset.
I cook for him and try to love him but feel odd about our relationship, unsure and confused.
I've bitten off more than I can chew but feel I have to pretend all is OK for the kids. They are lovely kids, so thoughtful and fun...I don't want them to feel insecure.
I've trapped myself. I've tried talking to him as he is clearly depressed (well I think so) but he won't go to the GP.
We have a few days of things being ok but he does some quite odd stuff like saying he is going to do his teeth,then coming back with the same dirty morning breath or food round his face from dinner. He says he has showered but often smells.

When we first got together, we were passionate and he was gentle and kind and very clean!!! He now looks bedraggled and although I've tried to build his self esteem up, pamper him, run him baths, suggest showers together etc but I'm now exhausted with it.

I've recently qualified after three years study and have a new job starting in September. Id wanted to work part time due to illness....but to be away from the house, I've asked to work full time.

I just wondered if anyone had any pointers as to what else I can do.
He blames me for his low mood....if I ask, question or dare to disagree I get accused of trying to "grind him down" he says I've isolated him from everyone and a few weeks ago during a row he flipped totally and left the house driv8ng off for hours. Police were Involved due to safety concerns. He still hadn't really explained himself and it had left me feeling as though its not safe to Challenge him or even say how I feel. What can I do please?

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Theexwife Wed 16-Aug-23 21:12:33

It sounds as though you were hoping to change him, as you now know, big mistake, you trying to change him and his house is making him angry and his behaviour worse.

This is not going to change now so you have to decide if you want to stay in this situation and stop hoping for better or to leave and end the relationship. Once the decision is made then you can work on what you need to do.

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Hithere Wed 16-Aug-23 21:25:05

This relationship is over.

Regain your freedom

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Ali23 Wed 16-Aug-23 21:25:08

Oh no, it sounds to me like he is really entrenched in his ways. It doesn’t sound like he’s capable of the amount of change that is needed to sustain a relationship.

I feel for you, but it seems as though you need to leave this relationship for your own sake and the sake of your children.

Maybe one day you might be able to have a friendship, but living with him seems impossible.
Sorry to sound so negative. Please listen to your doubts and exhaustion.

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Wyllow3 Wed 16-Aug-23 21:32:54

Bird

I think he has got some quite serious MH problems, Ok I might be really wrong, please see what others say here, but unless he'll own to problems and go for help - from my own sad experiences - you must put yourself first, not go through a lot all again with another man.

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M0nica Wed 16-Aug-23 21:42:35

Hoarding is a mental illness, not just untidiness got out of hand and all the offers in the world for help with tidying sorting etc will be unavailing if the psychological issues behind the horading are not dealt with first.

Here is a link to the NHS article on hoarding www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/hoarding-disorder/ and a very helpful one from MIND www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/causes-of-hoarding/

You have two choices, once you have some understanding of what you are essentially dealing with. The first is to accept what your partner's problem is and learn to live with it. To understand that there is little you can do to change it. The second choice is to end the relationship, accepting that you cannot cope with a partner with this problem. To do so would not be a ailing of affection or care on your part.

There is a saying about 'accepting the things we cannot change and changing the things we can', and most importantly, 'having the wisdom to know which is which'. That is the decision that faces you.

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Wenmore Wed 16-Aug-23 23:56:19

Wise words Monica and good advice.

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welbeck Thu 17-Aug-23 00:33:22

don't waste your life in this situation.
you cannot save him.
it will only grind you down and your children will resent it.

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Alverstone25 Thu 17-Aug-23 06:54:58

Wyllow3

Bird

I think he has got some quite serious MH problems, Ok I might be really wrong, please see what others say here, but unless he'll own to problems and go for help - from my own sad experiences - you must put yourself first, not go through a lot all again with another man.

His sudden lack of self care, changeable moods, blaming you are all signs of depression.

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Susan56 Thu 17-Aug-23 07:55:34

I agree with Monica’s post but also have concerns for your children.It is surely not healthy for them to be in this environment.I feel your first duty of care should be to your children.

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Esmay Thu 17-Aug-23 08:01:48

Take a deep breath and walk away .

You've tried .

No one can help him
- he's set in his ways .

I met someone , who was similar some years ago .

At the first , I was bombarded with appreciation and compliments and a marriage proposal .

In reality - he was incredibly bad tempered , unkempt and smelly with poor hygiene and a home like a filthy tip .

A couple of years later I met a man , who was the complete opposite , but an alcoholic and highly abusive .

I walked both times .

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Grandmabatty Thu 17-Aug-23 08:25:03

But he hasn't had a change in personality. You had rose coloured blinkers on, possibly as a result of your life experience prior to meeting him. You called him 'eccentric' to mask that he was always like that. Others have given very good advice. All I will add, is you should take steps to get your children out of there. It's not healthy for you not them to be entangled with a hoarder. And think seriously about your boundaries before you embark on any more relationships. I really hope you leave but I doubt that you will

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sodapop Thu 17-Aug-23 08:36:25

Susan56

I agree with Monica’s post but also have concerns for your children.It is surely not healthy for them to be in this environment.I feel your first duty of care should be to your children.

I agree with Susan56 it will take a long time for your partner to change even supposing he wanted to. Your children deserve better.

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Redhead56 Thu 17-Aug-23 09:46:53

Walk away get your priorities right for your families sake your children deserve better and you should know that. Don’t hesitate any longer life is too short change yours now there is no second chance.

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Gillycats Thu 17-Aug-23 13:38:44

Sounds like he has ADHD and possibly bi polar. I have ADHD and frequently get overwhelmed by everything. I’d love my home to be perfect but it’s a constant battle to keep it in some order. I start things but never quite finish them. It’s hell on Earth living with a badly wired brain sadly. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with him. You’ve been very patient I must say Bird40 but make sure you don’t burn yourself out!

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Carenza123 Sat 19-Aug-23 08:28:43

This relationship has run its course. He is not capable of making changes. This is having a detrimental effect on your children which does not bode well for the future. You owe it to your children and yourself to leave and create a future where happiness and well-being exists.

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Allsorts Sat 19-Aug-23 08:36:50

Why are you still there? That's the puzzle. Think of your children and get out.

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BlueBelle Sat 19-Aug-23 08:45:26

I think the poor chap definitely has mental health problems and I think it’s time you give him an ultimatum he sees a doctor preferably with you there or you are going to move away
Thankfully you have your own space presumably you didn’t marry him when he asked ? do the children like him are they old enough to talk to you about him ?
I would look at other caravan sites and see if you can get your van towed there or better still sell it and move on however he doesn’t sound a bad man just one that is totally lost and maybe ill

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Katie59 Sat 19-Aug-23 11:12:51

If his house was in that state why did you move in it sounds awful, people don’t change, they may put a temporary facade but revert to type quickly.
It sounds like the relationship has broken down the only solution is to move away, either rented or social housing so make plans for you and yours and leave him to his mess.

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jeanie99 Sun 20-Aug-23 20:28:06

You clearly need to leave this situation otherwise you will be become depressed..

Your don't say how old your and his children are.
If you leave, this is one consideration.
Your finance is another, I hope you don't have joint bank accounts.
Accommodation is another consideration where you and your children live.

Leave this man he needs a housekeeper.

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Ali08 Sun 27-Aug-23 04:34:30

Wyllow3

Bird

I think he has got some quite serious MH problems, Ok I might be really wrong, please see what others say here, but unless he'll own to problems and go for help - from my own sad experiences - you must put yourself first, not go through a lot all again with another man.

It definitely sounds like a MH problem!!

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