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Husband's always right

(51 Posts)
Mom3 Mon 21-Aug-23 23:57:10

My DH is 80 years old. We've been married over fifty years. More and more, he can get very nasty towards me. He can go on and on about different topics and if I finally try to say something, he'll say I am butting in and not letting him speak. This is often after he has gone on for fifteen minutes or longer non-stop. If I point out how he has spoken to me, he says I'm starting a fight.
Does anyone else have to cope with something like this?

lemsip Tue 22-Aug-23 00:14:31

How awful for you. have you got children you could talk to about this.. he needs to be told he cannot talk to you like that

rafichagran Tue 22-Aug-23 01:13:46

He sounds so tiresome. He must like the sound of his own voice.
I honestly think he needs to firmly be told that conversation is a two way thing, and you will not be told not to interrupt, you are not a child.

Redhead56 Tue 22-Aug-23 01:25:34

Walk out the house let him rant don’t give him an audience he wants the last word let him have all on his own.

denbylover Tue 22-Aug-23 02:11:43

I agree with Redhead and Rafichagran. Don’t be his audience, don’t subject yourself to his rantings.

Coolgran65 Tue 22-Aug-23 02:14:14

Has he always been like this and it's getting worse.
I agree that if you have children perhaps one of them could talk to him about his lack of respect.

When he goes on ....If it was me I'd leave the room telling him he knows where to find you when he's found his manners.

nanna8 Tue 22-Aug-23 03:22:21

I would walk off, too. I was wondering if he is in early stages of some sort of dementia if it is a new thing with him.

Hetty58 Tue 22-Aug-23 04:28:22

I used to get this from my elderly mother (especially on the phone). She hated being interrupted, saying 'I haven't finished talking yet!' in a very irritated voice. The subject matter was of no interest to me.

She was, I thought, angrily 'broadcasting to the nation', compelled to let it all out. It was important (even vital) to her that her thoughts were expressed at length, verbally, to a 'listener', although it might just be a tirade about what the shop assistant had said.

There had always been something wrong with her - mental illness and/or personality disorder - but those elderly rants were, somehow, due to fear - I just knew it.

Allsorts Tue 22-Aug-23 04:58:19

So sorry you have this problem, he sounds as if he has a lot of insecurities. When he starts can't you just absent yourself, I would get some earphones and develop an interest in listening to that or go out. When he is not ranting tell him how he makes you feel and you cannot cope with it so in future you will leave him to it. Good luck.

MercuryQueen Tue 22-Aug-23 06:07:02

I’d be tempted to set him up with a microphone or put a voice recording app on a phone and give it to him, since he’s not interested in an actual conversation. He can enjoy the uninterrupted sound of his own voice on repeat.

Vintagewhine Tue 22-Aug-23 07:26:50

Is he getting forgetful or showing any other changes in behavior? Sometimes this can be an early sign of dementia. If he's always been a domineering type unfortunately sometimes traits like this get worse as we age particularly if we don't have much social interaction outside the immediate family, so try to get him out more. Good luck, it's horrible to be treated like that.

ParlorGames Tue 22-Aug-23 07:33:39

The longer you remain in the room when he's ranting the longer he will continue to do so. Walk away and detach yourself every time he starts.

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 22-Aug-23 08:12:26

Butt in, then if he gets upset, walk away. Tell him you aren’t picking a fight just leaving him to it.
Is it a recent thing though?

Georgesgran Tue 22-Aug-23 08:14:21

Vintagewine has said exactly what I was thinking.

Horti Tue 22-Aug-23 11:29:41

I think also it shows a lack of respect and self importance
He’s probably used to you being a good listener
I’m seeing some signs of this too in my younger DH it’s getting worse
His mother was similar as she got older she just had to get something off her chest in full detail

Theexwife Tue 22-Aug-23 11:41:39

People treat you the way you let them. Just say “I don't want to listen anymore” If he says that you are starting a fight, leave the room.

Dogmum2 Tue 22-Aug-23 11:43:39

Another agreement with Vintagewhine. Is this new and is he displaying any other new/odd behaviour? Is he particularly worried or stressed about something which is coming out as these angry outbursts? Would he come with you to a GP to discuss these outbursts as clearly they are concerning and impacting both of your lives. Take care x

VioletSky Tue 22-Aug-23 11:55:52

You do not have to listen, if he isn't interested in a discussion partner, then take that opportunity to excuse yourself from the room

If he is becoming less able to have a back and forth conversation and more angry, I would assume his age is contributing but, remember that everyone has the right to be safe whatever the reason someone's personality changes

grandtanteJE65 Tue 22-Aug-23 14:15:27

If this is a fairly new problem, it might point to some kind of senile dementia, and you might be able to stop it by saying calmly "Do you realise how shockingly rude you are being?" Or better still, by trying to discuss this habit with him when he has not just done this.

If he has always done this, you won't stop him now, but from what you say, I thought you meant it is something new. In which case you should be able to stop it by being firm.

If you can't, an appointment with the GP for an assessment of whether there is anything to account for this change might be a sensible precaution.

Fleurpepper Tue 22-Aug-23 14:18:05


Is he getting forgetful or showing any other changes in behavior? Sometimes this can be an early sign of dementia. If he's always been a domineering type unfortunately sometimes traits like this get worse as we age particularly if we don't have much social interaction outside the immediate family, so try to get him out more. Good luck, it's horrible to be treated like that.

yes, my thoughts too. Happened to relatives of mine who got very nasty as they could feel they were 'losing it'.

Mom3 Tue 22-Aug-23 22:13:19

His behavior has gotten more exaggerated during the pandemic but he's always been like this to some degree. In many ways, he's great but he now won't tolerate any criticism. Our adult children know what he's like and he won't take any reasonable comments from them. I'm grateful that our daughter lives nearby and she understands how I feel. I think it is the beginning of dementia but he won't ask a doctor about it.

downtoearth Wed 23-Aug-23 07:34:47

My brother is like this,has always talked over people,and he rants,his wife,or me are the usual recipients.
He is 65 and does have health issues,but has always been of the listen to me,you are entitled to my opinion type.Fortunately I dont live near,and these rants are confined to the phone,of which I can choose to answer,or not,we only meet maybe once a year so face to face rants are minimal,I feel for his wife as he can be quite nasty,I dont like the way he shouts at her.

Janeea Thu 24-Aug-23 11:52:07

Yes I live with this on an almost daily basis, I have started just going out when he starts or to the loo

Tanjamaltija Thu 24-Aug-23 12:10:13

Do not engage. Do not just sit there and be harangued. Just begin doing something like prepping vegetables, or writing a shopping list, or re-arranging a drawer. If he asks what you are doing, tell him - don't say it is obvious. If he says he wants you to listen, say you are listening anyway, but since you can't interrupt, you are doing something else, meanwhile. Make sure you know what he is talking about, just in case he asks.

NoraBone Thu 24-Aug-23 12:32:01

Does he listen to a lot of Talk Radio? I ask because I had a friend that listened all day long and had somehow got it into her head that her opinion HAD to be heard, and was quite forceful about getting her opinion across. Sometimes it would come out of absolutely nowhere leaving me properly baffled ...

I would question why you must be his audience. Why is he insisting on you listening to him? Perhaps, when he gets angry say very quietly -
no-one is ever going to love you more than I do and I don't like the way you speak to me.
If he tries to shout you down keep repeating the above; if you feel upset leave the room - get a good book, or a nice magazine, maybe try meditation.

Your GP would be worth a chat, too. You don't have to take your H, but perhaps the GP (are you with the same GP?) might call him in on the pretence of a regular check-up.