Family Loss of daughters partner due to break up

Diplomat

Serendipity 22 - My MiL kept in contact with an ex of my boyfriend now husband, even invited her round when I was there ! MiL still mentioned her 40 years later ! It didn't bode well for my relationship with MiL. I felt it was rude and insensitive and not very respectful to me.

I would not have appreciated that one little bit , how insensitive 😒

With 3 sons we've seen a couple of long term relationships come to an end and we've liked each and everyone and they were always part of the family , one sent a message saying she was sorry they had mutually decided to part company and I replied wishing her well and letting her know we would miss seeing her as we always enjoyed her company , she said the same back but life moves on with or without and eventually they meet another equally as nice . I haven't maintained contact with any ex partners although where children are involved I appreciate its slightly different.

Serendipity 22 - My MiL kept in contact with an ex of my boyfriend now husband, even invited her round when I was there ! MiL still mentioned her 40 years later ! It didn't bode well for my relationship with MiL. I felt it was rude and insensitive and not very respectful to me.

Our sons have had some lovely long term girl friends and one even had a key to our house for 5 years . Some we have stayed friends with as our boys did and some we lost contact with completely sadly . A couple simply pestered me for ages to try and get my eldest son back . One dad mum whose daughter went to New Zealand said she would have loved her daughter to marry any of our sons then repeated any ( our dear youngest is gay but had girlfriends in the past) . The ironical thing is you are encouraged to accept them into the family , give them xmas and birthday gifts etc then sometimes they are just gone ! Poof! 🥲

It seems to me everything depends on your daughter's feelings. She needs your support now. It's such a shame. My eldest son had a lovely girlfriend but 'dumped' her because of her neuroses. He ended up with the horrific little control freak he is now divorcing. Watching it all is one of the agonies of parenthood

Ask your daughter if she minds you contacting her ex. If she is OK with that, send the ex an open invitation to contact you for a natter and a cuppa if she is so inclined. She can respond, or not. If she doesn't want to keep contact, she could ignore and you have to accept that.

This has happened to us a few times sin e we have 6 sons . The one we were most attached to had been our sons gf from them being 17 to 26 ! So they had grown up together she was like another daughter . It is very difficult. I can't really offer any help just commiserations . You just have to such it up really .

When my late brother's wife broke up with him, I sent a message which just said how sad I was that their relationship had broken down but I was sure that she not have decided to go without very good reason. I said I would miss her but I wished her well. In the event, she did have very valid reasons despite the rest of the family venom (not my brother incidentally) and we met again at his funeral. She thanked me for the message and we had a good natter about her new life before parting ways again. She was a lovely girl and I wouldn't have wanted her to wreck her life supporting my brother through his addictions which eventually killed him.

I did contact my son in law when he and my daughter separated ( they got back together)
All I said was: I know I’m ( daughters name) but we are friends and when the dust settles we’ll talk.

Your daughter doesn’t confide in you re her unhappiness?

I agree with Sarahcyn. If they were part of the family it seems cruel to cut them off without even a "goodbye and good luck". I wrote to the man I thought would become my son-in-law, just to thank him for the happy times he gave my daughter (and us), and wishing him well in the future. We are not in touch but there is no ill-will.

By doing that you’re interfering with their relationship. This has nothing to do with you and you have to respect the wishes of the daughter. If she’s ok with it, fine, but otherwise leave well alone. You’re thinking about your own needs, not the daughters.

No you cannot contact her. Your daughter would not appreciate it. When my son finished with his partner of several years, we had to take a step back and not get involved. It was very sad and we very much missed her, but it was none of our business and we would have made matters worse if we had gotten in contact with her as well as alienating our son.

We are in similar position. Son and DIL are breaking up after about 8 yrs together. Totally unexpected.She's been a huge part of our lives and that has gone overnight. So sad about it. But totally out of our hands and I think we just have to accept it.

Not sure about all these people saying “do not contact the ex”. Is it really so very wrong to send the ex a friendly message saying how much you have valued her/them being a part of your family, you are sorry it’s over and respect the decision, but will always be glad to have known them and they’d always be welcome etc etc?

We did write to a son's long term ex-girl friend wishing her well in the future. Many years later I heard via a colleague how much she had appreciated it.

I think a lot depends on how your daughter deals with the breakup.. maybe in time they will remain friends then you could ask your daughter if she would be OK for you to have some contact with her.. just give it time

You can contact her but your daughter will probably not like it. Especially at the beginning. When in doubt do nowt.
Wait and see. Of course the ex partner may not want contact. She may move into another relationship and want a clean break.

My son has recently split with his wife of 10 years. I'd always got on with her and she was older than him so in my friends age bracket. I asked him if he had any objections if we stayed in touch with each other (mainly fb and messenger as we've recently moved away from the area). He said it wasn't a problem so that's what we're doing. They have a flat together although the plan is to sell it. She even came in with him to see our new house. If he wasn't happy I would have cut contact of course.

My son left his wife 6 years ago and has been with his new partner for about four years. For the first three years or so I felt very awkward and realised I really missed her but wasn’t sure how any conversation would go. I was having the grandchildren regularly but usually my son dropped them off and picked them up. Then the day came when ex DIL had to pick them up. I invited her in for a cuppa and we chatted away like we always had. I feel for you OP because there isn’t the common bond of children. But you have to put your daughter and her wishes first.

My DS separated from his GF and i am still in contact, why not? I don't mean with private , indepth news that is really none of ex GF business, i mean occasional hi, hope you're ok..

My DS knows and isnt fazed about it.

My friend’s DIL Left her husband and 3 young kids for another man a year ago. Because the kids always spent a lot of time with my friend this has continued.

I don’t know how she does it but she maintains a reasonable relationship with her DIL even though she is very, very hurt inside.

Maybe in time you will feel the same.🤞

I think after a reasonable amount of time (after the initial shock and anger phase), a quick, non judgmental message can do no harm.

Over the years I have had warm hugs from ex -boyfriends/girlfriends of my children, basically just wishing them happiness.

Oopsadaisy1

Both of our daughters are divorced and it was very hard not seeing our sons in law again.

Can empathise with you. DD and husband are now separated, it feels like a death in the family, my DD is much happier though.

Not in he spirit of this thread but I am so relieved not to see any of the exes of our children.

I feel for you OP but you must not contact the ex!