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Family Loss of daughters partner due to break up

(57 Posts)
Mamo Wed 23-Aug-23 16:11:59

My daughter and her female partner have been happily together for about five years, and her girlfriend brought a lovely extra dimension to our family. She is a quiet young woman, a contrast to our outgoing daughter, and we thought it was to be for good. They complimented each other in many ways, and were equally kind and considerate to each other and to both families. We know and like her parents and their backgrounds are interesting and similar to ours. My daughter has had a few serious relationships and I was so relieved for her that she seemed to now have “the one”. She is 37 and her partner 31. She is now distraught that her GF wants to end the relationship. Her/their reasons are obviously between them and I have no wish to be involved in any way. But my DH and I, and my other ACs are feeling so upset by the partner’s loss from our lives. Everywhere I look around the house are photos and other reminders. We may never meet her again. It’s such a strange and unsettling feeling. Obviously I can’t contact her, or can I? Secretly hoping maybe just maybe they’ll work it out. 😢

BlueBelle Wed 23-Aug-23 16:21:48

Well no you can’t contact her, maybe they will, maybe they won’t, nothing you can do but be there if your daughter is upset or asks for any help otherwise its just another instance of a relationship that has spent out it’s time
Sad but happens every day

Ilovecheese Wed 23-Aug-23 16:24:21

It is sad and you will miss her. But no, you can't contact her.

crazyH Wed 23-Aug-23 16:40:34

No, don’t contact her. I remember my son’s ex gf invited me to her wedding. My son was fuming - he said she was just trying to annoy him. He ‘ordered’ me not to attend (of course, I wouldn’t attend), but out of courtesy, I sent her a Card. It depends on what your daughter feels ….

HousePlantQueen Wed 23-Aug-23 18:57:01

You are the hidden victims of relationship breakdown, and it is very sad, but you would be best to not contact your DD's ex partner. I am sure her parents feel the same.

Ladyleftfieldlover Wed 23-Aug-23 19:01:22

We had that same scenario. My daughter had been with her girlfriend for seven years. S was part of the family. I have spoken to her over the phone and in fact my daughter has lunch or dinner with her every few weeks. Sadly, I doubt they’ll get back together.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 23-Aug-23 19:32:46

Both of our daughters are divorced and it was very hard not seeing our sons in law again.

kittylester Wed 23-Aug-23 19:40:02

Not in he spirit of this thread but I am so relieved not to see any of the exes of our children.

I feel for you OP but you must not contact the ex!

Freya5 Wed 23-Aug-23 21:10:49


Both of our daughters are divorced and it was very hard not seeing our sons in law again.

Can empathise with you. DD and husband are now separated, it feels like a death in the family, my DD is much happier though.

CanadianGran Wed 23-Aug-23 21:29:10

I think after a reasonable amount of time (after the initial shock and anger phase), a quick, non judgmental message can do no harm.

Over the years I have had warm hugs from ex -boyfriends/girlfriends of my children, basically just wishing them happiness.

Primrose53 Wed 23-Aug-23 21:35:23

My friend’s DIL Left her husband and 3 young kids for another man a year ago. Because the kids always spent a lot of time with my friend this has continued.

I don’t know how she does it but she maintains a reasonable relationship with her DIL even though she is very, very hurt inside.

Maybe in time you will feel the same.🤞

Serendipity22 Wed 23-Aug-23 21:47:41

My DS separated from his GF and i am still in contact, why not? I don't mean with private , indepth news that is really none of ex GF business, i mean occasional hi, hope you're ok..

My DS knows and isnt fazed about it.

Buttonjugs Fri 25-Aug-23 11:12:20

My son left his wife 6 years ago and has been with his new partner for about four years. For the first three years or so I felt very awkward and realised I really missed her but wasn’t sure how any conversation would go. I was having the grandchildren regularly but usually my son dropped them off and picked them up. Then the day came when ex DIL had to pick them up. I invited her in for a cuppa and we chatted away like we always had. I feel for you OP because there isn’t the common bond of children. But you have to put your daughter and her wishes first.

RakshaMK Fri 25-Aug-23 11:17:10

My son has recently split with his wife of 10 years. I'd always got on with her and she was older than him so in my friends age bracket. I asked him if he had any objections if we stayed in touch with each other (mainly fb and messenger as we've recently moved away from the area). He said it wasn't a problem so that's what we're doing. They have a flat together although the plan is to sell it. She even came in with him to see our new house. If he wasn't happy I would have cut contact of course.

Pythagorus Fri 25-Aug-23 11:19:07

You can contact her but your daughter will probably not like it. Especially at the beginning. When in doubt do nowt.
Wait and see. Of course the ex partner may not want contact. She may move into another relationship and want a clean break.

pascal30 Fri 25-Aug-23 11:28:40

I think a lot depends on how your daughter deals with the breakup.. maybe in time they will remain friends then you could ask your daughter if she would be OK for you to have some contact with her.. just give it time

leeds22 Fri 25-Aug-23 11:33:47

We did write to a son's long term ex-girl friend wishing her well in the future. Many years later I heard via a colleague how much she had appreciated it.

sarahcyn Fri 25-Aug-23 11:41:35

Not sure about all these people saying “do not contact the ex”. Is it really so very wrong to send the ex a friendly message saying how much you have valued her/them being a part of your family, you are sorry it’s over and respect the decision, but will always be glad to have known them and they’d always be welcome etc etc?

Scottiebear Fri 25-Aug-23 11:45:08

We are in similar position. Son and DIL are breaking up after about 8 yrs together. Totally unexpected.She's been a huge part of our lives and that has gone overnight. So sad about it. But totally out of our hands and I think we just have to accept it.

mary2 Fri 25-Aug-23 11:55:19

No you cannot contact her. Your daughter would not appreciate it. When my son finished with his partner of several years, we had to take a step back and not get involved. It was very sad and we very much missed her, but it was none of our business and we would have made matters worse if we had gotten in contact with her as well as alienating our son.

mary2 Fri 25-Aug-23 12:00:38

By doing that you’re interfering with their relationship. This has nothing to do with you and you have to respect the wishes of the daughter. If she’s ok with it, fine, but otherwise leave well alone. You’re thinking about your own needs, not the daughters.

LizzieL Fri 25-Aug-23 12:00:56

I agree with Sarahcyn. If they were part of the family it seems cruel to cut them off without even a "goodbye and good luck". I wrote to the man I thought would become my son-in-law, just to thank him for the happy times he gave my daughter (and us), and wishing him well in the future. We are not in touch but there is no ill-will.

Bbbface Fri 25-Aug-23 12:05:51

Your daughter doesn’t confide in you re her unhappiness?

MerylStreep Fri 25-Aug-23 12:08:40

I did contact my son in law when he and my daughter separated ( they got back together)
All I said was: I know I’m ( daughters name) but we are friends and when the dust settles we’ll talk.

icanhandthemback Fri 25-Aug-23 12:11:27

When my late brother's wife broke up with him, I sent a message which just said how sad I was that their relationship had broken down but I was sure that she not have decided to go without very good reason. I said I would miss her but I wished her well. In the event, she did have very valid reasons despite the rest of the family venom (not my brother incidentally) and we met again at his funeral. She thanked me for the message and we had a good natter about her new life before parting ways again. She was a lovely girl and I wouldn't have wanted her to wreck her life supporting my brother through his addictions which eventually killed him.