Is this the end?

housing benefit ?

Private message sent

AmeliaLW

I hear all the advice given. But it’s a very big step. Is it possible to live separate lives within the same house?
It’s what I’m trying to do. My last visit to A and E resulted in a letter to my GP detailing the assault. And hopefully that will be a deterrent.

It's a big step indeed! But one that you also need to take I think Amelia Take lots of care

There is lots of good advice above - I just wanted to say I am sorry you are in this unfortunate situation and hope that you will find a route out soon.

A difficult situation for you, but for your own safety you must find somewhere to go.
Were you renting on your own before? Maybe you have reduced your hours recently which is why it would be such a struggle now.

I can understand why staying with friends wouldn’t be anything but a very short term solution, so it seems that, as has been suggested, work is the only way to go.

I hope things work out for you soon.

Could you get a better paid job, or work longer hours, or find work with accommodation included?
Horrid, I know, but you would be safe?

I was privately renting before. I guess I could go back there but money is a big problem at the moment.
I have friends I could stay with but I just can't face that. I just want to go back to being on my own

Private message sent

every reply on here has advised you to get out, so please do so. Women's Aid charities are really helpful and have a look at rightsofwomen.org.uk an online legal advice forum for women. Good luck, we are all here if you need a hand hold.

You managed before - near friends and family you say.
Could you not go back to whence you came?
I would.
Good luck.

Not wanting to sound over-dramatic but women have died at the hands of men like this, so please don’t ignore the advice here.

Just a thought, where were you living before you met him and moved in with him?
I presume you sold your house ?

We don't have a joint bank account, thankfully. The loan I took out for house improvements is in my name, he cashed in a number of small pensions at the same time. I'm going to make an appointment to see a solicitor. He bought our house 7 years ago with co-ownership so neither of us would benefit very much if the house was was sold. I'm really not sure where to go from here. Rental properties are so expensive, I'm. Still working and have a small private pension but not enough to live on. Such a mess

welbeck

you need to find out how you stand.
see a solicitor.
i presume you don't have a joint bank account.
if you do, i suggest you open one in your name only and move half the balance into it.
do not tell him you want to leave.
information is power.

That is easier said then done how can you take a large sum out of an account and the husband wondering why you did it . You have to make a next egg slowly unless you have control of your own money.

See a solicitor ASAP, see what you are entitled too and get out quickly. This man is abusive and dangerous, the Police are aware of him also.
Good luck and take care.

How awful - good advice above

Thank you all so much. Think I'm a bit in shock at the moment

Go to a Women's Aid centre and then they can help you with solicitors.. I wouldn't consider trying to share the house it would maybe escalate the behaviour of your husband.. try to get all the help you can..

AmeliaLW

I hear all the advice given. But it’s a very big step. Is it possible to live separate lives within the same house?
It’s what I’m trying to do. My last visit to A and E resulted in a letter to my GP detailing the assault. And hopefully that will be a deterrent.

have you been to see your GP, Amelia ?
you need help urgently.
please go see them, maybe a woman would be easier to speak to, and tell them everything.
tell them you need help and don't know what to do.
we are all supporting you.
there will be help in real life.
it is out there. keep looking.
maybe start your own thread, as i'm sure others like me, would like to know how you are doing.

I left an emotionally and physically abusive man 7 years ago. It was only when I left I realised just how bad it had been. Some violence culminated in him holding me hostage in the house and threatening to kill me . GET OUT NOW! You don’t know how it could escalate. I had help from Womens Aid and Victom Support who were both excellent. I’m now very happy you will be too.

I hear all the advice given. But it’s a very big step. Is it possible to live separate lives within the same house?
It’s what I’m trying to do. My last visit to A and E resulted in a letter to my GP detailing the assault. And hopefully that will be a deterrent.

Just get out of there asap. It's not worth risking your health - or life - is it?

Start keeping a diary too

Even when things are "good" it is likely that you feel you are tiptoing around, that you must fulfil certain obligations and that you know on some level that you are living in a way that avoids his outbursts

That is never a normal way to live

Writing it all down will help give you perspective and allow you to see how this impacts you on a daily basis

I think you need to understand the serious danger you are in

Blaming his bad behaviour on his mothers health is not a reason to be abusive. We all have difficulties in our lives but it doesn't mean we are abusive to others because of this. He sounds like he has a narcissistic streak and that could escalate and erupt at any minute. He has already been physically abusive. He will do it again. It's what he does. Unfortunately a 'wake up call' doesn't work for these types. The bad behaviour is always waiting in the wings. It's not an 'if' it's a 'when'.

You said he was loving and kind to begin with and then turned nasty once he had 'secured' you. This is the classic narcissistic behaviour pattern that they use to get the person where they want them. As well as being abusive they can show what appears to be very 'loving' behaviours which is why so many people get confused.

But living with this is like walking a tight rope every day, not knowing which personality trait one will be dealing with. What mood is he is? Will I have to be careful what I say and do? etc...

I think it may be time for you to face your situation head on and see it for what it is. It's so easy to just let things roll and live in denial of how uncomfortable things are.The longer you stay the more your self esteem will be eroded.

This is neither a physically nor emotionally safe environment for you. I know you feel you are trapped because of finances but many, many women in your position have got away and are leading much happier and free lives. Better to live safely and relaxed in a small space than in a large unsafe home with a bully.

Womens Aid give excellent support and help with getting away. They also can offer a safe space to live whilst you make the move. Also look up co-dependence as that can also help explain why people are hooked into negative and harmful relationships.

The longer you endure this the more 'normal' it can become. It is not normal loving and caring behaviour. You deserve better.

You have made this step of reaching out, well done!... keep doing so. Apart form Womens Aid there are other places. Seek out a priest/ pastor/ minister in a church...even if you've never been or don't have a faith they will help. You could go to Co-Dependents Anonymous... which is a self help group for people who find themselves unable to leave abusive/destructive relationships.
www.codependents.org

And like others have said get your finances in order with the help of a lawyer, or contact Citizens Advice.

You are not alone, there are many kind and caring people in the world who will listen and help.

Ziggy62 Please please get to see Womens Aid asap and find out what you can do about getting away from this man,he is not going to change do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person you are worth more than this get out now and look forward to a quiet life for yourself,his previous relationships do not bode well do they I just can't see him changing his ways now.

Sound advice on here.
I've nothing to add except to reiterate about making sure you have finances in place. I hope the home improvement loan is in his name only, especially since the house is not in joint names.