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Is this the end?

(40 Posts)
Ziggy62 Sun 27-Aug-23 00:04:19

I married a loving, easy going man almost 7 years ago and moved to be with him. A few months into the marriage he showed a different side and during a silly disagreement told me I had to move out and became quite verbally abusive. He quickly calmed down, apologised and explained his first wife had been physically abusive and it brought back bad memories. 2 years ago we had an argument over something stupid like the housework and he hit me, afterwards saying I hit him first (untrue). Some months later during another argument, he physically put me out of the house, ripping my t-shirt and bruising me. I called the police and he was arrested and kept overnight. I didn't make a statement as he would have lost his job. Thankfully all has been good since and I think it gave him a bit of a wake up call.
BUT recently he has been "difficult", if I ask him to do simple things like put the dishwasher on, he will say No, then make out he was just joking.
It happened this evening, I asked why he does it and he says he has every right to say No. He's gone off to bed some time ago.
To be totally honest I would prefer to leave but the house is in his name, I don't earn enough to rent a place on my own and we recently borrowed quite alot of money for home improvements, thinking we could retire in a few years and everything would be done. I don't have any friends or family here. Feeling quite lost.

VioletSky Sun 27-Aug-23 00:16:39

Please reach out to refuge

Starting over again will be hard but don't wait until he shows his darker side again.

Please know your own worth

NotSpaghetti Sun 27-Aug-23 00:20:50

I agree. At least get some support from them.
Talk things through properly.

Thinking of you.
You aren't alone in this - though I know it feels like you are.

welbeck Sun 27-Aug-23 00:34:01

you need to find out how you stand.
see a solicitor.
i presume you don't have a joint bank account.
if you do, i suggest you open one in your name only and move half the balance into it.
do not tell him you want to leave.
information is power.

Ali08 Sun 27-Aug-23 03:39:08

I agree with the replies so far!!
Definitely get help and absolutely do the bank bit!
He needs help but if you stay as you are he's never going to accept that fact. Put yourself and your wellbeing first!!!
And good luck.

nadateturbe Sun 27-Aug-23 04:19:26

Agree with all replies. Wellbeing is right. And do the money bit now. Do not tell him.
Look after yourself. You can do this and you will be happier. I know from experience.

NannyJan53 Sun 27-Aug-23 09:05:14

Agree with all that has been said.

See a solicitor for information on how you stand legally and financially too.

DiamondLily Sun 27-Aug-23 09:10:22

Agree - contact Women's Aid or Refuge for some advice/guidance. He sounds very volatile.

Redhead56 Sun 27-Aug-23 09:10:46

Get in touch with Women’s Aid as soon as you can. It’s not going to be easy but it will be better than waiting for the next outburst. Life is too short sort yourself out and don’t look back.

Shelflife Sun 27-Aug-23 09:17:41

Sound advice Ziggy, this situation will not improve. You must get out somehow!

Granmarderby10 Sun 27-Aug-23 09:47:48

Get in touch with your local council and say that you are in danger of being made homeless because of this man’s unacceptable and abusive behaviour.
If it comes to a place in a refuge (and they are often out of your area) then seriously consider taking up the offer.

If you don’t have a job to go to and have no one else to offer you any help, this could be your best bet for extricating yourself from this nightmare situation.
A fresh start. Speak to your GP and anyone at any organisation (including the police) who will sign post any possible support available.
Don’t feel sorry for this man, he is “gaslighting” you so do it and don’t waste a moment more of your time and energy on him.
Do let us know how you get on and best wishes, stay strong 💪

eazybee Sun 27-Aug-23 09:53:44

Seek advice, and check with a solicitor about your legal position; I think you are entitled to (up to) half the house as you are married, but your responsibility for the large loan needs clarifying.
He has abused you both verbally and physically more than once; accept the situation isn't going to improve and you will increasingly be walking on eggshells.

Do you have any knowledge of the first wife? A friend discovered, when she was in a similar position to you, that she was not the second wife, as she thought, but the third. The second wife had died from cancer, in the process of divorcing him and the all property had passed to the children; the first wife had been abused, and provided a great deal of useful information to help my friend.

Ziggy62 Sun 27-Aug-23 10:58:06

Thank you for all the advice. His first wife died recently and I've often wondered did I know the full story. His relationship with his ex partner ended very badly, so again I'm beginning to wonder.
He's only sweetness and light this morning blaming his behaviour on worries about his mother's health

AGAA4 Sun 27-Aug-23 11:05:45

So much good advice from other posters. You should act on it. If he's hit you before he will again so plan to leave as soon as you can.

Sparklefizz Sun 27-Aug-23 11:16:58

Ziggy62 He's only sweetness and light this morning blaming his behaviour on worries about his mother's health

But that's how controlling men keep you hooked in - they are horrible and then reel you back in! Been there myself.

Make your plans to leave. As they say on Mumsnet "Get all your ducks in a row" whilst not mentioning it to him.

Callistemon21 Sun 27-Aug-23 11:20:55

Sound advice on here.
I've nothing to add except to reiterate about making sure you have finances in place. I hope the home improvement loan is in his name only, especially since the house is not in joint names.

glammanana Sun 27-Aug-23 11:56:11

Ziggy62 Please please get to see Womens Aid asap and find out what you can do about getting away from this man,he is not going to change do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person you are worth more than this get out now and look forward to a quiet life for yourself,his previous relationships do not bode well do they I just can't see him changing his ways now.

Philippa111 Sun 27-Aug-23 12:06:00

Blaming his bad behaviour on his mothers health is not a reason to be abusive. We all have difficulties in our lives but it doesn't mean we are abusive to others because of this. He sounds like he has a narcissistic streak and that could escalate and erupt at any minute. He has already been physically abusive. He will do it again. It's what he does. Unfortunately a 'wake up call' doesn't work for these types. The bad behaviour is always waiting in the wings. It's not an 'if' it's a 'when'.

You said he was loving and kind to begin with and then turned nasty once he had 'secured' you. This is the classic narcissistic behaviour pattern that they use to get the person where they want them. As well as being abusive they can show what appears to be very 'loving' behaviours which is why so many people get confused.

But living with this is like walking a tight rope every day, not knowing which personality trait one will be dealing with. What mood is he is? Will I have to be careful what I say and do? etc...

I think it may be time for you to face your situation head on and see it for what it is. It's so easy to just let things roll and live in denial of how uncomfortable things are.The longer you stay the more your self esteem will be eroded.

This is neither a physically nor emotionally safe environment for you. I know you feel you are trapped because of finances but many, many women in your position have got away and are leading much happier and free lives. Better to live safely and relaxed in a small space than in a large unsafe home with a bully.

Womens Aid give excellent support and help with getting away. They also can offer a safe space to live whilst you make the move. Also look up co-dependence as that can also help explain why people are hooked into negative and harmful relationships.

The longer you endure this the more 'normal' it can become. It is not normal loving and caring behaviour. You deserve better.

You have made this step of reaching out, well done!... keep doing so. Apart form Womens Aid there are other places. Seek out a priest/ pastor/ minister in a church...even if you've never been or don't have a faith they will help. You could go to Co-Dependents Anonymous... which is a self help group for people who find themselves unable to leave abusive/destructive relationships.

And like others have said get your finances in order with the help of a lawyer, or contact Citizens Advice.

You are not alone, there are many kind and caring people in the world who will listen and help.

VioletSky Sun 27-Aug-23 12:25:08

Start keeping a diary too

Even when things are "good" it is likely that you feel you are tiptoing around, that you must fulfil certain obligations and that you know on some level that you are living in a way that avoids his outbursts

That is never a normal way to live

Writing it all down will help give you perspective and allow you to see how this impacts you on a daily basis

I think you need to understand the serious danger you are in

Hetty58 Sun 27-Aug-23 12:35:05

Just get out of there asap. It's not worth risking your health - or life - is it?

AmeliaLW Sun 27-Aug-23 14:57:08

I hear all the advice given. But it’s a very big step. Is it possible to live separate lives within the same house?
It’s what I’m trying to do. My last visit to A and E resulted in a letter to my GP detailing the assault. And hopefully that will be a deterrent.

TwiceAsNice Sun 27-Aug-23 15:14:56

I left an emotionally and physically abusive man 7 years ago. It was only when I left I realised just how bad it had been. Some violence culminated in him holding me hostage in the house and threatening to kill me . GET OUT NOW! You don’t know how it could escalate. I had help from Womens Aid and Victom Support who were both excellent. I’m now very happy you will be too.

welbeck Sun 27-Aug-23 15:29:09


I hear all the advice given. But it’s a very big step. Is it possible to live separate lives within the same house?
It’s what I’m trying to do. My last visit to A and E resulted in a letter to my GP detailing the assault. And hopefully that will be a deterrent.

have you been to see your GP, Amelia ?
you need help urgently.
please go see them, maybe a woman would be easier to speak to, and tell them everything.
tell them you need help and don't know what to do.
we are all supporting you.
there will be help in real life.
it is out there. keep looking.
maybe start your own thread, as i'm sure others like me, would like to know how you are doing.

pascal30 Sun 27-Aug-23 17:45:32

Go to a Women's Aid centre and then they can help you with solicitors.. I wouldn't consider trying to share the house it would maybe escalate the behaviour of your husband.. try to get all the help you can..

Ziggy62 Sun 27-Aug-23 19:49:15

Thank you all so much. Think I'm a bit in shock at the moment