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Is my partner possessive or just loving?

(130 Posts)
feelingnumb Tue 05-Sep-23 17:41:28

As a matter background, my boyfriend was ready to live with me after eight months, but I wasn’t and we've been seeing each other 2 years now. He had us looking at homes on multiple weekends when I visited him. I even tried to break up with him my few months ago telling him I can’t take the pressure with him pushing to live together and buy a house.

He did back off for a few months but 10 days ago had to fly out of state for a medical emergency for several days for my adult daughter for 5 days after she suffered the third straight miscarriage. My bf on his own while I was away visited new home developments and sent me multiple emails asking me to look at it even though I was still at my daughters taking care of her. He set up appointments for us to look at the houses on the following weekend which was this past weekend. His reasoning to look now is because I found a place to rent in Florida for January February March so I’m near my daughter and he’s willing to stay with me for some of that time but the first night I got home from seeing my daughter in Florida he was pressuring me again asking me if I had looked at the emails with new homes he sent me and kept asking are we “on the same page“ "

Told him I’m tired from trip and couldn’t think about it. At the same time, he managed to criticize me not communicating with him enough while I was in Florida taking care of my daughter and even said I hope this isn’t gonna be how it is when we stay in Florida next early next year. I did text and called him numerous times during my stay and always responded to his texts.

We ended up seeing the Homes this past weekend which I really wasn’t too interested in doing but did anyway and none interested me. When I told him what I see as real negatives about the homes it led to an argument He is saying we have to figure this out now for the spring because we’re going to Florida for 3 months and his lease ends in April so he doesn’t want to be “screwed” by not buying a home early enough. We went back and forth and he said he agrees with my concerns about the homes we saw but we need to figure this out now.

I did tell him I thought him sending me multiple emails and setting up appointments for the first week and I got home from Florida was being too pushy under the circumstances. I explained numerous times that I was emotionally exhausted from what my daughter is going through, and I can’t think straight and buying a house is a major decision as it is us living together. He’s sort of apologized, but not really, and again just said if it wasn’t for us going to Florida for three months I wouldn’t be in such a rush as where I am right now, but we don’t have as much time as you think. He said he’s been very understanding and shared him and his ex went through miscarriages too. He did apologize and even said maybe he should move into my home until we see something better even though he said where I live is isolating.

The one thing he kept saying is the only reason he’s working so hard at this is so that we can be together full time and not just on weekends because we live 50 miles apart.

Bottom line: My children will always come first, and he knows that especially because I’m a widow, and they lost their father several years back, so if they need me, I need to be there. I don’t know if living with him and buying a house is even the right thing for me. While we do love each other I find his behavior quite concerning and telling about future disputes and even if he’s possessive. What advice do you have for me"

NotSpaghetti Sat 23-Sep-23 18:50:11

I think you need to tell the brides/grooms if you may not be going.
Not sure where you are but they will have catering numbers that have to be fixed about now.

FarNorth Sat 23-Sep-23 23:01:28

he keeps bringing up the April deadline when his lease expires and said he won’t be happy if the housing isn’t resolved before January (I decided to rent in Florida for a few months and he is going to spend some time with me there).

Don't let him move in with you, even temporarily.

Do tell him to organise his own accommodation and not to rely on you.

Do be clearer with him about what you want & don't want in the relationship.

Hershey Sat 23-Sep-23 23:16:30

I don’t want to feel like I’m not here nor there. But I don’t want to be blind to what I see in his behavioral pattern even though I have faults too.

NotSpaghetti Sat 23-Sep-23 23:33:56

If you don't want to feel "not here or there" you are not ready/able/willing to share your life with him.

Why is he following you to Florida?
Why can't you have your family time to yourself? He is muscling in again.
If he has time to interfere in Florida he has time to sort out accommodation for himself - indeed, doing it whilst you are in Florida seems a good plan to me.

Hershey Sun 24-Sep-23 03:31:22

He sent me another text tonight saying he’ll do anything to make us work out but he knows I need space now and he’ll wait. I didn’t reply.

BlueBelle Sun 24-Sep-23 05:45:06

You really are stringing this bloke along with your dithering

Take the housing situation out of the equation and ask yourself
Do you want to be with him ?
Can you live happily without him ?
Can you be happier without all the problems this coupling seems to make ?
Either make a decision ti stay with him, being quite clear that you are not changing your living situation, or move on and forget him, you can’t leave him dangling with, I will, I won’t,I maybe can, I maybe can’t.

You don’t seem any further forward than when you started this thread and that’s cruel to him you seem overly concerned about these two weddings, they are not really important are they ?

Elegran Sun 24-Sep-23 07:44:13

Just the bloke?

grandtanteJE65 Sun 24-Sep-23 14:35:58

In my head alarm bells rang loud and clear while I read your post.

This man is definitely possessive and probably will turn abusive if you are stupid enough to give way and buy a house with him.

Break off the relationship now, and be prepared to have to take out a restraining order against him!

Hershey Mon 25-Sep-23 17:55:34

May I ask what in particular leads to the clear conclusion that he’s really possessive?

I know he can be pushy but is that the same as controlling/possessive?

Elegran Mon 25-Sep-23 19:06:42

He is trying to push you into doing what HE wants (get back together again) in the knowledge that YOU have thought hard about this and have come to the clear conviction that it is not a good idea. You have posted several examples of the same attitude. That is being possessive and wanting to treat you like a possession.

If you can't see that being pushy enough to make you go against your own wishes is an indication of how he will continue to do that in the future, on all subjects, then whatever advice you get from anyone on here or anywhere else isn't going to make any difference to you.

My advice to you is to stop posting this long saga, and just get on with actually living your life. Stop wallowing in delicious soap opera daydreams and make up your mind one way or the other.

You will find out soon for yourself what his true nature is. If he turns out to be loving and caring, and doesn't control your every move, the relationship will last. If he turns out to be jealous and possessive and makes your life a misery, you will soon part.

Just don't get into a position, emotionally, or financially, where he has the upper hand and you can't escape.

My advice to all other posters is to stop wasting their time and concern.

alexjohnson005 Tue 26-Sep-23 07:03:03

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alexjohnson005 Tue 26-Sep-23 07:04:56

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NotSpaghetti Tue 26-Sep-23 09:30:11

alexjohnson I'm sorry, I don't believe possessiveness is in any way positive!
As to your idea that possessiveness could come from a place of care and concern I just think no!

Love, it seems to me, is a state of giving. Possession is about taking.

Hershey Tue 26-Sep-23 17:01:35

I'm sorry to keep posting but there is one development:
I sent him a text today telling him I need more time for myself so I won't be attending his friend's wedding this weekend and I'll be going alone for my friend's wedding the following weekend. HE FREAKED OUT.
First he asked me to talk to him via phone. Then he sent another text that he wanted to come see me today so we can talk in person face to face and get into the "deep" of what's going on. He said he took a mental health day from work to come see me. I told him I'd let him know later. I'm at work and need to think about this b/c I thought he'd respect my statement that I needed more time.

BlueBelle Tue 26-Sep-23 17:48:35

Well you ve scared him, he didn’t see it coming because to be honest you have messed him about a lot by not being truthful with him and you still don’t really know what you want.

I think you need a long hard look at yourself and what you want for the future and whether you want him in or out your life There doesn’t appear to be a half way house he wants a full on living together relationship you want a ‘live on your own but see him when you feel like it’ relationship and it’s not going to fit, someone’s going to be broken by it, your both too far apart in your wants / needs
Have a real deep thought and talk with yourself

I always find a physical list of pros and cons helps

Hershey Tue 26-Sep-23 18:38:43

OMG. He had a florist deliver a dozen red my office so now everyone can see it. He must be having a meltdown.

Decided to let him know a visit now is not productive but appreciate the flowers.

BlueBelle Tue 26-Sep-23 19:43:37

You sure you’re not writing a novel 😂

NotSpaghetti Wed 27-Sep-23 00:19:08

Be careful.
In my opinion he is trying to engage you by being "needy" now.
This is a "can't live without you" tactic. It is almost certainly more manipulation.

Just say no.

Hershey Wed 27-Sep-23 01:00:54

It got even worse when he emailed me a few hours ago this long thing about the only thing that’s important is us being together. He said he doesn’t care about house and will do whatever I want. It was very long but that’s the gist.

I told him I request time alone again and nothing to discuss until I’m ready. He replied he really wants to go to the weddings with me etc.

Hershey Fri 29-Sep-23 15:40:54

He sent me a long email that he was willing to live anywhere as long as we are together or we can still live in our own places as long as we continue to see each other. It all sounds good but I don’t think I can believe him. Think he’s just saying what he thinks I want to hear to avoid me leaving for good.

Lauren59 Fri 29-Sep-23 19:06:52


OMG. He had a florist deliver a dozen red my office so now everyone can see it. He must be having a meltdown.

Decided to let him know a visit now is not productive but appreciate the flowers.

Is this real? It seems like nonsense to me.

Lauren59 Fri 29-Sep-23 19:07:58

Well maybe that was too harsh, but it does seem plain as day what you need to do.

ixion Fri 29-Sep-23 19:57:04

I feel the hand of Jilly Cooper behind all this.

Hershey Fri 29-Sep-23 20:48:41

Unfortunately it’s my reality. Just hope I’m not making a mistake leaving him. Maybe he really wants to make me happy?

ixion Fri 29-Sep-23 21:13:15