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Is my partner possessive or just loving?

(119 Posts)
feelingnumb Tue 05-Sep-23 17:41:28

As a matter background, my boyfriend was ready to live with me after eight months, but I wasn’t and we've been seeing each other 2 years now. He had us looking at homes on multiple weekends when I visited him. I even tried to break up with him my few months ago telling him I can’t take the pressure with him pushing to live together and buy a house.

He did back off for a few months but 10 days ago had to fly out of state for a medical emergency for several days for my adult daughter for 5 days after she suffered the third straight miscarriage. My bf on his own while I was away visited new home developments and sent me multiple emails asking me to look at it even though I was still at my daughters taking care of her. He set up appointments for us to look at the houses on the following weekend which was this past weekend. His reasoning to look now is because I found a place to rent in Florida for January February March so I’m near my daughter and he’s willing to stay with me for some of that time but the first night I got home from seeing my daughter in Florida he was pressuring me again asking me if I had looked at the emails with new homes he sent me and kept asking are we “on the same page“ "

Told him I’m tired from trip and couldn’t think about it. At the same time, he managed to criticize me not communicating with him enough while I was in Florida taking care of my daughter and even said I hope this isn’t gonna be how it is when we stay in Florida next early next year. I did text and called him numerous times during my stay and always responded to his texts.

We ended up seeing the Homes this past weekend which I really wasn’t too interested in doing but did anyway and none interested me. When I told him what I see as real negatives about the homes it led to an argument He is saying we have to figure this out now for the spring because we’re going to Florida for 3 months and his lease ends in April so he doesn’t want to be “screwed” by not buying a home early enough. We went back and forth and he said he agrees with my concerns about the homes we saw but we need to figure this out now.

I did tell him I thought him sending me multiple emails and setting up appointments for the first week and I got home from Florida was being too pushy under the circumstances. I explained numerous times that I was emotionally exhausted from what my daughter is going through, and I can’t think straight and buying a house is a major decision as it is us living together. He’s sort of apologized, but not really, and again just said if it wasn’t for us going to Florida for three months I wouldn’t be in such a rush as where I am right now, but we don’t have as much time as you think. He said he’s been very understanding and shared him and his ex went through miscarriages too. He did apologize and even said maybe he should move into my home until we see something better even though he said where I live is isolating.

The one thing he kept saying is the only reason he’s working so hard at this is so that we can be together full time and not just on weekends because we live 50 miles apart.

Bottom line: My children will always come first, and he knows that especially because I’m a widow, and they lost their father several years back, so if they need me, I need to be there. I don’t know if living with him and buying a house is even the right thing for me. While we do love each other I find his behavior quite concerning and telling about future disputes and even if he’s possessive. What advice do you have for me"

feelingnumb Tue 05-Sep-23 17:45:23

I want to add we did lease an apt jointly after 8 months but after several months I just wasn't comfortable there on a full time basis (I still have a large home and he does not) so he renewed the lease on his own a few months ago.

welbeck Tue 05-Sep-23 17:52:03


Germanshepherdsmum Tue 05-Sep-23 17:58:21

I couldn’t agree more. If OP doesn’t understand, it means leave the b*stard. I felt suffocated just reading your post.

NannyJan53 Tue 05-Sep-23 17:58:25

If he is this controlling now, what is he going to be like if you live together? Big red flags here.

BlueBelle Tue 05-Sep-23 18:07:35

Oh yes ….been there “I m doing it all for you” I won’t go into all the pressures of what he ‘did for me’ but I d say run as fast as you can, controlling and pushing you into corners you don’t want to be in. Mine was after my house I m pretty sure but after 8 years of things being changed and done in MY house ‘just for me and because he loved me so much’ then thank goodness I woke up

biglouis Tue 05-Sep-23 18:08:39

Loads of red flags. He is demanding far more in committment than you are ready to give at this time. Perhaps you will never be ready to give what he wants. Thats ok. Living together has to be a willing decision by BOTH parties.

I had a BF whom I was quite happy to see once or twice a week. We each had our own home and sets of friends and other interests. He was a part of my life but not the whole of it. He started pressuring me to meet his family and children by another relationship. I told him no because I keep my own family at arms length and had no intention of getting involved with his. He told me that if I rejected his family I was rejecting him. It turned out this was a deal breaker for him so we split up after a year.

biglouis Tue 05-Sep-23 18:12:02

If he did not understand about the emergency with your daughter (and complained that you were not texting him enough) he will gradually seek to cut you off from other family and friends until he has complete control. Run for the hills.

Coolgran65 Tue 05-Sep-23 18:16:17

Wow...too much.
Met who is now my husband when I was 48. My one A.C. at uni and his 3 who lived with him heading for uni soon.
We were together for 7 years while the kids progressed and just the youngest one still living with him.
I then rented out my home and moved in with him. We married a year later. The following year his youngest bought the house next door.
He added my name to the house deeds even though legally I'd still have been secure without him doing so. Only then did I sell my house. Also was fed up with a rubbish tenant and house prices were at an all time high.
My point is, take your time.
You don't sound sure. Only seeing each other at weekends for 9 months should still be honeymoon period.
It's much too soon.

DerbyshireLass Tue 05-Sep-23 18:17:07

Huge red, run, run.

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 05-Sep-23 18:18:45

A red flag on each paragraph and most sentences.


silverlining48 Tue 05-Sep-23 18:19:00

Think this must be as obvious to you as it is to us. You have explained and he ignores. It won’t get better.

sukie Tue 05-Sep-23 18:19:26

From everything you have written here, I certainly wouldn't move in with him and it sounds like you are clear in your own mind that buying a home with him in the near future is not what you want. Now you must be clear with him because he may be getting mixed signals from you. Just go ahead and say it, that you are not going to buying a house with him in the spring and he needs to do what he needs to do with a clear understanding that your children come first. If this is a deal breaker as far as the relationship goes, it might be a relief for you.

Shelflife Tue 05-Sep-23 18:43:32

What you dislike about this man will not change ever!! Far far too much pressure from him , he had no understanding of your need to be with your daughter . Run now before it's too late. He will bring you nothing but sorrow and you deserve better .

ParlorGames Tue 05-Sep-23 18:54:27

Turn round, run and keep on running! He is a control freak and I dread to think what your life would be like if you get a place together full time.

You've already told him "family comes first" and well done you for standing by that value. But he's still intent on getting you all to himself.

You're worth more feelingnumb. I hope your daughter is coming to terms with her loss and wish you and her all the very best flowers

Mollygo Tue 05-Sep-23 18:59:39

Red flags.
From his POC he’s being caring and considerate doing all the research.
He evidently doesn’t take any notice of your reluctance. Not a good omen for the future.

Sparklefizz Tue 05-Sep-23 19:15:53

Many red flags here. He sounds pretty scary to me. This is controlling and not loving. Please put your daughter's crisis first. Let him go.

sodapop Tue 05-Sep-23 19:38:27

I echo what everyone else has said feelingnumb run for the hills.

Grannybags Tue 05-Sep-23 19:51:49

I agree. Run as fast as you can!

Smileless2012 Tue 05-Sep-23 20:00:30

Get out while you can*feelingnumb*. This isn't love, this is control and manipulation at its worse.

Oldbat1 Tue 05-Sep-23 20:11:33

No way!

karmalady Tue 05-Sep-23 20:17:06

The alarm bells are loud and clear. Get away from him, while you can

LondonMzFitz Tue 05-Sep-23 20:31:08

Can he afford somewhere for himself long term, or is he reliant on you being part of a new home together? Mumsnet have a word "c*cklodger", a man who can't afford to rent or buy somewhere for himself and thereby needs a girlfriend to be part of it (or owns somewhere he can move into).

Your thoughts about him here suggest everything is for his comfort, on his terms, on his timescale and he simply doesn't seem to be hearing you when you are saying "too much, too soon". You are in different places in this relationship and he simply doesn't seem to want to accept that and is railroading over you. Find one phrase to repeat so you don't have to keep finding the right words. Instead of wordy explanations as to your exhaustion in caring for your daughter, instead of trying to explain how you did call him, did text him, etc - Just Say "NO". Or "too much, too soon". The same phrase until you get his attention.

It's very disrespectful of him to not take into account your feelings! Tell him that.

Allsorts Tue 05-Sep-23 20:56:36

You know he is controlling but obviously there are parts of the relationship with him you want, so it’s pointless asking for advice as no one would be with such a person, despite certain perks. I can’t bear being told what to do so we wouldn’t last a week. Rather be on my own, making my own decisions and control of the remote is very important.

twiglet77 Tue 05-Sep-23 21:06:43

Surely there are enough red flags here to send you running for the hills? There is nothing positive for you or your family in what this man is doing. It’s pure self-interest on his part, it’s not love, nor even dressed up as “love”. Get out of his life, get him out of yours.