Gransnet forums

Relationships

Dd in a coercive relationship

(10 Posts)
oliversnana Thu 07-Sep-23 14:20:39

My dd2 has been in a relationship for the past 11 years and he has turned controlling.
So her partner not partner he calls it off so often it's ridiculous has had 2 affairs and left her. There is 2 dc 6 3 and 2 together. He is a lorry driver and spends a lot of time out of the country.
So the crux of this has been in the last 2 years he has had an affair and left her 4 weeks after the youngest was born. He has told her so many times he doesn't want to be with her then he's back he's going nowhere. When he's away he calls at all hours of the night all day.
When he leftbshe couldn't take her off the bank and he has been logging into her bank so she had to have her accounts closed and reset he has accused her of having men round for sex when he's away she devotes all her time to caring for and providing for her dc. He's called her in the night accusing her of having men in her bed when she's talking to him and at times this is one of her dc.
Today he's told her there's someone watching the house and has sent him explicit videos. Her ds has croup. She has finally reported this to the police. I am at the end of my tether she needs help with his controlling behaviour but I don't know what to do any advice greatly recieved

ParlorGames Thu 07-Sep-23 15:23:04

What a nasty man he is! She would be better off severing all ties with him and concentrating her energy on raising her children.

She can stop the phone calls by changing her number and staying off social media; alternately she can block his calls. Either way, he will not change and will continue to make her life a misery.

eazybee Thu 07-Sep-23 15:25:36

Block her phone, change the locks then move elsewhere.

finns Thu 07-Sep-23 16:09:23

please (if you can) seek professional help ie local DV services in your area and get as much support as possible - please do not do anything sudden as if a perpetrator knows his supply is being cut he can escalate and that’s a very difficult situation to navigate.
you can google local domestic services/ helplines ie womens aid and safe spaces to start to create a plan of how to leave this situation.

sometimes fear and anxiety plus financial abuse can make a person fearful of escape - i definitely recommend professional guidance.

oliversnana Thu 07-Sep-23 16:45:11

Thank you for the replies.
She has been off social media for a while now and he has benefits and her own wages so finances are ok and he nolonger has access to her bank accounts.she is on the council list for a new home. I'm hoping when she reports the rest of the incidents to the police this will help her up the list. He had to be told by the police while she was reporting the person watching her house to leave her alone as what he was doing was harrrassment. He'll probably be crying later, he's told aher sevaral times he's suicidal which also messes with her head.

jenpax Thu 07-Sep-23 16:50:23

Has she contacted Women's Aid? This should be her first resource as they are well used to helping survivors of DV in all its forms

Smileless2012 Thu 07-Sep-23 18:42:07

Thank goodness she's reported this to the police; that would have been my first suggestion and coming off social media was going to be my second.

If he contacts her threatening suicide, that would be another reason to contact the police if she knows where he is.

As jenpax has posted, she needs to contact Women's Aid asap.

You must be worried sick oliversnana. I hope something can be sorted out.

TwiceAsNice Thu 07-Sep-23 22:45:27

Contact Womens Aid and Victim Support. Get legal advice on obtaining a restraining order if it’s been passed on to the police . Change your mobile number , email and cancel social media accounts.

As someone who left and prosecuted a violent coercive husband I know what I’m talking about . DO NOT underestimate him such men always escalate

DiamondLily Fri 08-Sep-23 09:05:59

oliversnana

Thank you for the replies.
She has been off social media for a while now and he has benefits and her own wages so finances are ok and he nolonger has access to her bank accounts.she is on the council list for a new home. I'm hoping when she reports the rest of the incidents to the police this will help her up the list. He had to be told by the police while she was reporting the person watching her house to leave her alone as what he was doing was harrrassment. He'll probably be crying later, he's told aher sevaral times he's suicidal which also messes with her head.

Women's Aid/Refuge can sometimes push people forward on a waiting list, and give her some good advice.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Hope she gets on ok. 💐

oliversnana Fri 08-Sep-23 20:51:15

Once again thank you I am pushing her to women's aid and refuge.
I'm glad she is a strong woman as I feel she would have crumbled. But she doesn't want to be the mother who keeps dc away from dear father but I fear they are damaging dgc.