Hanging by a Thread

I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult and upsetting situation Braego.

I agree that you should endeavour to attend a meeting and a has been suggested, that you write down the points you with to make and practice verbalising them. It's important IMO to stick to the facts which are that the current arrangement for where the child plays were made clear before your D's s.i.l. and child moved in.

It's also important that you explain the impact that the child playing at the front of the property has, together with the stress and anxiety the thought of this being a permanent arrangement is having on your faith.

I see no need or justification for you to make compromises here. The original arrangement was between you, your D and s.i.l. and while I understand they have concerns for this mother and her child and want to help, any help they do give should not be to the detriment of your emotional and physical well being.

I wish you luck .

Braego, I really feel for you in this very difficult situation. The decision to move the sister and her child into a domestic situation that was working very well was probably the wrong one, as you are all discovering!
If you hadn't made a considerable financial contribution to the living arrangements I would agree that you would take a step back but the fact is, you have, and that gives you a perfect right to stand up for yourself and be put in the position you were in before this disruptive person entered your life. Go to the meeting with your points written down, stay calm but firm and no, I don't think you should have to move from your annexe to accommodate the mother and her son. I think the suggestion of a trellis as a sort of child barrier is a good one! There is obviously a discipline issue here too and I feel your daughter and SIL must lay down a few ground rules that respect your needs.

Having read all the posts, my sympathies remain firmly with the daughter and son-in law.
For someone who was apparently a social worker, therapist and counsellor, the poster shows remarkably little empathy towards anyone else's problems. The sister in law and nephew are as much a part of 'our family' as she is, and are there at the invitation of both their relatives. Unpleasant to say that the daughter only agreed to please her husband.

Children scream, and they also like to play in the front of the house as they get older because of access to the street and other children. Aged nine, the boy will be at school for large parts of the week and it will pass; as he gets older he will be closeted his room or out with friends. Other people can shut windows if necessary and there are ear-defenders.
The daughter and son-in law have been exceptionally generous in opening their house to their mother/in-law and sister/in-law. The poster states she has no alternative but to stay there, in purpose built accommodation (to which she contributed) and with her daughter close at hand. Many elderly parents would be delighted with such an arrangement.
I do have some experience; I grew up with my grandmother living with us, suffering from severe osteoarthritis and virtually bedbound; she never complained of noise or disruption or resentment when my other grandmother came to live there as well. My 'digs' landlady had both mothers living with her plus three boys and four students and they managed to make it work, as did the next-door neighbour with both mothers for more than thirty years.
A meeting needs be held, and the poster should attend with an open mind and be prepared for some compromise. Her problem is that she bitterly resents the presence of the sister and the nephew and cannot control her dislike, thus making life very difficult for the two people who are so generously doing everything they can to help her.

The OP financially invested in the home and the additional accommodation for herself eazybee.

eazybee

Having read all the posts, my sympathies remain firmly with the daughter and son-in law.
For someone who was apparently a social worker, therapist and counsellor, the poster shows remarkably little empathy towards anyone else's problems. The sister in law and nephew are as much a part of 'our family' as she is, and are there at the invitation of both their relatives. Unpleasant to say that the daughter only agreed to please her husband.

Children scream, and they also like to play in the front of the house as they get older because of access to the street and other children. Aged nine, the boy will be at school for large parts of the week and it will pass; as he gets older he will be closeted his room or out with friends. Other people can shut windows if necessary and there are ear-defenders.
The daughter and son-in law have been exceptionally generous in opening their house to their mother/in-law and sister/in-law. The poster states she has no alternative but to stay there, in purpose built accommodation (to which she contributed) and with her daughter close at hand. Many elderly parents would be delighted with such an arrangement.
I do have some experience; I grew up with my grandmother living with us, suffering from severe osteoarthritis and virtually bedbound; she never complained of noise or disruption or resentment when my other grandmother came to live there as well. My 'digs' landlady had both mothers living with her plus three boys and four students and they managed to make it work, as did the next-door neighbour with both mothers for more than thirty years.
A meeting needs be held, and the poster should attend with an open mind and be prepared for some compromise. Her problem is that she bitterly resents the presence of the sister and the nephew and cannot control her dislike, thus making life very difficult for the two people who are so generously doing everything they can to help her.

I am shocked at this post. I did not ask you to take sides. I asked for advise as to how to approach a meeting. Your insensitivity has brought me more depression. I have great empathy for those involved and have given up many of my freedoms and much of my time to help them with various many things. I have spent hours offering comfort and encouragement to the sister in law regarding her struggles. Shame on you for making judgements. I am struggling and in need of support not a spanking.

buffyfly9

Braego, I really feel for you in this very difficult situation. The decision to move the sister and her child into a domestic situation that was working very well was probably the wrong one, as you are all discovering!
If you hadn't made a considerable financial contribution to the living arrangements I would agree that you would take a step back but the fact is, you have, and that gives you a perfect right to stand up for yourself and be put in the position you were in before this disruptive person entered your life. Go to the meeting with your points written down, stay calm but firm and no, I don't think you should have to move from your annexe to accommodate the mother and her son. I think the suggestion of a trellis as a sort of child barrier is a good one! There is obviously a discipline issue here too and I feel your daughter and SIL must lay down a few ground rules that respect your needs.

buffyfly9 Thank you for your outlook and suggestions, as well as your consideration of my situation. It has always been easy for me to stand up for others, but very hard for me to stand up for myself. Which is why I wrote in. I appreciate your good advise. Thank you again.

Smileless2012

I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult and upsetting situation Braego.

I agree that you should endeavour to attend a meeting and a has been suggested, that you write down the points you with to make and practice verbalising them. It's important IMO to stick to the facts which are that the current arrangement for where the child plays were made clear before your D's s.i.l. and child moved in.

It's also important that you explain the impact that the child playing at the front of the property has, together with the stress and anxiety the thought of this being a permanent arrangement is having on your faith.

I see no need or justification for you to make compromises here. The original arrangement was between you, your D and s.i.l. and while I understand they have concerns for this mother and her child and want to help, any help they do give should not be to the detriment of your emotional and physical well being.

I wish you luck .

Thank you, that is well spoken. Your words will help me articulate my position. Thanks for taking the time and thought to respond. I appreciate your support. It helps as I am needing strength to stand up for my own needs. :-) Not easy!

OP something I have learned on open forums such as this one

If your mental health cannot stand up to having people disagree with you, you should find an alternate source of support

VioletSky

OP something I have learned on open forums such as this one

If your mental health cannot stand up to having people disagree with you, you should find an alternate source of support

I appreciate your outlook. I appreciate your concern about my mental health which has no problem listening and considering people disagreeing. I also have the same right to disagree with them. That is not easy to do, but sometimes warranted.

Braego18

VioletSky

OP something I have learned on open forums such as this one

If your mental health cannot stand up to having people disagree with you, you should find an alternate source of support

I appreciate your outlook. I appreciate your concern about my mental health which has no problem listening and considering people disagreeing. I also have the same right to disagree with them. That is not easy to do, but sometimes warranted.

To have someone go beyond disagreeing and criticize an OP as in saying they have no empathy for others, is uncalled for. Especially without having enough information to make an unkind judgement like this. Sorry I will have to disagree with you on this, if you feel that sort of ridicule is warranted.

You just can't set your own standards for everyone else in a public forum. People are talking within the guidelines and they are responding to what they read from you... And they will have individual takes from that

None of us are ever perfect in life and sometimes it is good to consider a wide range of views, that is how self reflection and personal growth is possible

I disagree. The standards and guidelines in Gransnet are quite clear. We are not talking about people not being perfect etc. We will have to agree to disagree.

VioletSky I disagree. The standards and guidelines in Gransnet are quite clear. We are not talking about people not being perfect etc. We will have to agree to disagree.

I don't mind being disagreed with, my thoughts are valid too

I think the very best situation would be to sell out to the sister in law and find yourself somewhere quiet and perhaps warden controlled but if that’s not possible keep well out of her way and stay in your own domain presuming your annex is self contained stop trying to be nice she doesn’t want you in her life for whatever reason or she’s just a damaged person
You say you have a good relationship with your daughter and son in law didn’t they discuss with you before his sister came to join the house ?
Surely at 9 the child is at school more than at home Does the sister not work ? About the squealing, shrieking whatever you call it, don’t you think the more you complain the more he ll do it
Presume it’s just early evenings and weekends (although surely they go out sometimes (or play at other kids houses) can’t you get some ear defenders, play music, turn your tv up, keep the window shut I know kids screaming is the pits especially if you’re not well but my feeling is the more you fight it the worse it will get if you ignore it he ll get bored and go off to annoy someone else
I actually feel sorry for everyone in this equation, there’s a lot to be said for living on your own
I can’t see this meeting working someone’s going to be upset and flounce

We are not talking about people being perfect etc of course not Braego if only because no one is perfect.

FWIW for me, your OP and subsequent posts show the extent to which you've tried to accommodate your D's s.i.l. and her child, as well as your D's and son in laws understandable concern for his sister, and their desire to help. None of which IMO is possible without self reflection and personal growth .

Some people think retirement complexes are terrible places but, knowing people and some relatives who have moved to them, they thought it was the best thing they did.

Older people, all still plenty to give and enjoy, not disturbed by children except for short visits, interesting groups, plenty happening, they all seemed to love it.

Certainly a better option than feeling that your present circumstances are making you unhappy OP, and a way of regaining your autonomy. How much or how little to engage with others would be entirely your choice.