Angry at Friend

Friendships can be fleeting, short term or can last decades or a lifetime. I had and have both.

They can be tricky especially if one party is more sensitive, insecure or the controlling type. I have/had them all.

Expectations are high sometimes. You can’t take things personally (sometimes hard to do), you have to be forgiving, and sometimes you just drift off without any reason.

There’s also the fine art of letting go. If a relationship brings too much anxiety, pain (abuse?) or you’re being used - it’s time to let go.

Sometimes we can just be stubborn, which is childish. You have to figure out the VALUE of each friendship.
Friendships are precious.
USA Gundy

I must admit that I got tired of a sister-in-law copying : dining room chairs, furniture, colour I painted house .....got on my nerves after a while, though I really wouldn' t put " having short hair" into the same category. As she answered you spontaneously, it sounds as if she really believes this! Up to you now to decide where to go with the relationship .....bury or revive.

I have two friends who use me to vent to.
I know this and have felt I must be kind and let them use me as it seems the thing to do.
I have had enough and last evening one texted me to ask me round to hers this evening.
I just know it is to listen to all that is wrong in her life and I then come home feeling down instead of being uplifted after a good chatty evening with a good friend.
I have made an excuse, but, why do I feel the need to make an excuse instead of just saying no?
I know very well she doesn’t do the same to others we mutually know because they tell her a few home truths about her situation and that she doesn’t help herself.
I am just a mug.

She sounds a bit nuts to me! Was she really ever a good friend? Good friends understand and take on board all our idiosyncrasies - like we do theirs! It’s how people rub along together. Will be difficult to maintain a balanced relationship with someone like this- time to move on.

She is being puerile. Just because she can no longer call the shots, she is trying to denigrate you, and gaslight you, and make you feel bad about yourself. You don't need this Debbie Downer in your life.

If your friend was so affected by these things you have done how come she never spoke out before? Letting the angst build up is unfair. It does not give the other party an oportunity to address the grievances and offer to change their behaviour. Not that I consider you have anything to apologise about.

I broke up with a friend of 15 years under similar circumstances. We had what apeared to be a trivial difference on the phone and she asked me not to contact her for "a few weeks". I left it 8 weeks than called her and we chatted like old times. She told me she was moving house and when I asked for her new number just said "Lets leave it shall we" and hung up.

I was stunned and wrote to her telling her how much the friendship meant to me and that it was a shame to break up over something so trivial. She wrote back "I dont agree that our differences are trivial. I consider them fundamental and irrevocable."

I never got to the bottom of things and consider it is still "unfinished business".

I wouldn’t want to be her friend anymore after all that. She obviously doesn’t want your friendship and in your position, I’d back off and leave her to it. You are the better person, not her.

Don't "they" say 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery'?

I had a close friend for 35 years. When covid hit she understandably didn't want to meet up but we texted daily. Since then she has batted away every invitation to meet up. We got as far as arranging to meet for lunch but she cancelled saying she was unwell. I dont understand what I've done. It hurts a lot to be honest.

Life’s too short to be hurt by people who are supposed to be your friends, tell her to grow up and end the friendship, sounds harsh but like I said, life is too short x

Sometimes friendships just run out for whatever reason and you move on.
I'd known my friend for some years and we occasionally went away together with no problems.
She did have some strange ideas though regarding some people e.g. thought her DIL who she disliked had a nerve leaving the children with their father while she went running in the mornings.
She even told her son and wife what a terrible name they had chosen for their daughter and it would prevent her getting job interviews in later life.
I've never heard such nonsense and told her it's got nothing to do with you if your son is happy to have the children and they can call their daughter by whatever name they like it's not up to you.
What happened to my friendship was we were traveling home from a holiday and stopped to eat at a restaurant.
After we had finished eating a young member of staff came round and said to her is there anything else I can do for you darling.
She stood up and shouted at the girl don't call me darling, I'm not your darling.
I felt so bad for the girl she was mortified, all the people nearby stopped eating and looked round.
She was so incredible rude to this women I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
I haven't spoken to her since.

kircubbin2000 I also wonder if it is possible to find new friends as we get older.

I know a lot of acquaintances, but only a couple of friends and I seem to be the one who always fits in with their plans.

I believe as you get older your world gets smaller and it is hard to fit into new groups.

It seems a bit arrogant and superficial of her to accuse you of copying her. Friends do influence each other, there’s nothing wrong with that, so I hope you won’t take it to heart - it really seems a very immature thing to say, and she knows you well enough to know it might upset you.

It sounds as though she had to find something critical to say as an excuse for her not keeping in touch.

She's very independent

I can sort of see both sides.
I think she likes to be individual.
She thinks you have been copying her. And you have listed a few things that are the same.

Unfortunately
I’ve had bad experiences when people assume what I think or feel without actually asking me. I think this really pushed those old buttons.
So that hasnt helped you.

You and her have been friends for years, off and on.
I think this may be something you can both get over. If you both want to.

2 of my friends have been very distant since before the summer. My son told me S had lost her licence so I rang her this morning and was surprised when she drove round. She spent the whole time complaining about everything that had gone wrong in her life and when I mentioned the licence it turned out she had lost the photo ID!
The second friend, I phoned her and like the previous time she said she was rushing out but would phone back after lunch. She didn't.
I wonder if it's possible to find new friends as we get older.

I agree with Baggs!

* you told her you can't be friends anymore*

you should not have told her that, you should not have uttered a further word to her, just hung up and never pick up or ring her ever again......
.

jenpax

Polar22

Thanks all. Much appreciated. She is precious definitely, but I accepted that as part of who she was. I though do seem to attract people who think I can be trodden on. Maybe that used to be true but in the last couple of years I’ve found a stronger me. I’m not putting up with rubbish like this anymore. It’s not what a real friend would or should do. Feeling better now. I accept that sometimes things don’t have an explanation.

I think you have found your own answer there! She is kicking out at your new found assertiveness and possibly enjoyed being the bossy one in your friendship

True. thanks. X

Bella23

You haven't moved have you?
I've found since I moved I have lost a lot of friends. It's as if I should have stayed and weathered the storm of getting older together.
I now concentrate on the ones who have kept the distance friendships up and forget the rest but it is upsetting. I often wonder what I did wrong.
Just make sure you don't make your hair appointment for the same day.

I did think that 😂. Thanks that made me laugh. X

Polar22

Thanks all. Much appreciated. She is precious definitely, but I accepted that as part of who she was. I though do seem to attract people who think I can be trodden on. Maybe that used to be true but in the last couple of years I’ve found a stronger me. I’m not putting up with rubbish like this anymore. It’s not what a real friend would or should do. Feeling better now. I accept that sometimes things don’t have an explanation.

I think you have found your own answer there! She is kicking out at your new found assertiveness and possibly enjoyed being the bossy one in your friendship

You haven't moved have you?
I've found since I moved I have lost a lot of friends. It's as if I should have stayed and weathered the storm of getting older together.
I now concentrate on the ones who have kept the distance friendships up and forget the rest but it is upsetting. I often wonder what I did wrong.
Just make sure you don't make your hair appointment for the same day.

Harris27

Agree marydoll.

I've been there. I realised that I was no longer any use to my friend of twenty five years.
I told her I was in hospital and never heard a word back, yet when she was in hospital, I did my best to support her.
It did hurt, but I decided to let the friendship go and felt better for it.

Thanks all. Much appreciated. She is precious definitely, but I accepted that as part of who she was. I though do seem to attract people who think I can be trodden on. Maybe that used to be true but in the last couple of years I’ve found a stronger me. I’m not putting up with rubbish like this anymore. It’s not what a real friend would or should do. Feeling better now. I accept that sometimes things don’t have an explanation.

Blimey! What a cow! What kind of 'friend' would roll off such a petty list? Even very few people who weren't a friend would say stuff like that. Quite extraordinary!

All the best moving on from this, Polar, and making new and proper friends who value you for who you are and don't feel threatened by such trivialities

She sounds a bit "precious" to me, and if I were you I'd feel like saying, "Oh get over yourself" to her.
Some people are just too much like hard work 😕