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Marriage Breakdown

(14 Posts)
Nessieguru Sat 21-Oct-23 17:12:28

Hi, this is my first post. I have struggled this last week with the breakdown of my marriage. For more than 10 years (we have been married for 13 years) my husband has become emotionally detached and there is little warmth in our relationship. At times this has caused turbulence within our marriage and I have questioned myself on many occasions as to why I have continued in this. I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me and we have had a largely sexless marriage for 10 years as well. When I used to bring up concerns, these were largely dismissed by him and we would just plod on. However, I have had a sense of feeling empty and being lonely for years and years. This came to head a week ago and he packed his bags and left. He asked me to give him time and I have not contacted him. My anxiety level has been up and down and although I recognise that we cannot go back, I am adapting to this new situation of living by myself. I am looking for some hopeful messages at this difficult time. I am aware of having to look after myself which I am doing and I know that things will get better. I'm just so sad that it has come to this.

Sparklefizz Sat 21-Oct-23 17:21:22

Hello, I am so sorry to hear this and you will need time to grieve, not necessarily for your husband as it sounds from what you say as though your feelings have died ..... but to grieve for the end of your plans ... your hopes and dreams. Be kind to yourself, just do gentle things that you enjoy - spend time in the company of friends if you feel like it, or alone with a good book or some music if you don't want company.

What will happen regarding your home?

It'll take time to adapt but now you can do what you want to do without this added stress that you've lived with for so long. Things will get better. I speak from experience.

flowers for you and I'm sending you a hug.

LadyGaGa Sat 21-Oct-23 17:29:27

I’m so sorry to hear this Nessieguru My first husband left me after 13 years and 3 children and the last few years were very much as you described. I don’t know if you still love him (I did) but this made it feel like a bereavement, and I went through all the stages of grief for my lost future. Unlike bereavement though, time really does heal. I changed my career, found a new (very unsuitable!) new man who gave me some confidence back, made some new friends and fought my way through it. It took a while, but I’ve now been married for 17 years to my lovely second husband and I see my ex without rose coloured specs. Definitely put yourself first, give yourself time and allow tears. Remember who you were before you married him, and avoid people who just want to talk about the break up because it makes them feel better about their own life. You’ll find out who your true friends are. I wish you luck and send you my love x

Allsorts Sat 21-Oct-23 17:32:27

Sorry you have had such an unhappy marriage for so long. Things couldn’t have gone on as they were, so now you look ahead. You have to sort out the practical things, such as where you will live and dividing the marital home. You will be happier than you have been, your anxiety levels must have been sky high. Now you know where you stand, it really is better to be on your own than living in a loveless marriage. You will make a new life and be valued again. Wishing you tge best of luck for the future,

Chocolatelovinggran Sat 21-Oct-23 17:47:22

I am sorry to hear this Nessie. As everyone has said already, you must expect a period of mourning for your deceased hopes and dreams and make time to arrange the practical elements of a parting.
However, I want to offer you hope, too. Life after an unhappy marriage can be very good ( I speak with authority on the subject!).
Sending you best wishes for blue skies to come.

BlueBelle Sat 21-Oct-23 18:00:08

Oh it is so much better to be alone than in a loveless or abusive relationship It’s sad this has drifted on or limped along so long and it will take a bit of getting used to but it can only get better and like chocolatelovingran says it is just such a relief and I too am an authority on this subject 😂
Yes many of us on here have been where you are
I wish you peace and a great new life

Theexwife Sat 21-Oct-23 18:16:46

It is sad when the love has gone from a marriage. It is very early days, things will get better.

I know it is difficult but try to fill your mind with other things and look to the future instead of concentrating on the past.

spabbygirl Sat 21-Oct-23 18:28:57

I am so sorry to hear this, marriage ending is awful, I've been through it twice and wouldn't wish it on anybody. On the other hand it does mean you will soon be ready to make new friends and a new life and meet someone who really can be and will be the right person for you. Huge hugs and I'm sure in a few years time you'll look back and be glad he got out of your life

Nessieguru Sat 21-Oct-23 18:50:15

Hi Everybody, thanks so much for the kind words and flowers. I know it's just adapting to this. I have a few close friends who are supporting me but I think clearly I need to start to make some small changes to my life to help me along the way.

The house was mine when we got married and I suppose in time we will work out what equity he is due.

My hope is that for both of us, this will lead to happier times. I don't think our marriage brought the best out of us and hopefully my husband will be able to see this in the future. On the plus side I am looking forward to getting back to how I was as I feel I lost myself in this marriage. Thanks for all the lovely words, it does make a difference. thanks

gmarie Sat 21-Oct-23 21:57:02

My husband left after 19 years of marriage to be with another woman and I felt bereft, stunned and unsure of what was to come for me and my two sons. The things that made me feel better early on - and totally healed later - were:

-- Boxing up his things, giving them to him and sorting through the rest to give to Good Will (he tended to have multiples of everything - 5 shovels, 5 of the same jacket in different colors clogging up the closet, etc.; of course the second bit I did once he stated he wanted nothing else.) Now 20 years after the split, I've replaced just about everything, one item at a time, with colorful and lovely things that make ME happy!

-- Slowly realizing that I could make all of the small decisions I wanted - eating easy dinners, watching the shows I exclusively liked, not balancing the checkbook to the penny, and so on. Again, now decades later, after making several bigger decisions, I own my own small home outright and live on the pension I earned teaching. My two wonderful sons are married to lovely women, and live 15 minutes away, the oldest with my grandson.

-- Making friends, online, with a woman who was in my shoes. It was so nice to not feel isolated and alone in my specific set of circumstances. We texted, emailed, chatted and visited and, at this point, have been friends for longer than I was married! We're now are on the phone chatting about our grandsons several times a week instead of comparing notes on straying husbands. I also have another dozen, or so, friends that I can call on for love and support. We've been there for each other through health scares, moves, job concerns, and so on.

In other words, it does get better and, in some ways, much, much better. For now, just notice the small things that are improvements (or reliefs!) and reach out to friends and loved ones. It WILL get better a bit every day. flowers flowers flowers

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 22-Oct-23 08:25:17

Use this time to consult a solicitor, so that you can be sure that you can stay in your house, also check any joint Bank accounts that you have and set up one in your name, then transfer any money that is yours into it.
Sort out your will.
I know you are upset, but use this time to organise your future, I’m sure your ex will be doing the same.

pascal30 Sun 22-Oct-23 15:16:05

It can be so horribly lonely living with someone who is emotionally withdrawn.. This is probably the best solution for you both and you can now make your home loving and cosy by bringing all your friends into it...

Nessieguru Sun 22-Oct-23 16:05:56

Thank you for all the advice and wise words, it does make a difference. I know at this time being isolated is not good for me.

I have been keeping myself busy and have took the time to rejig things in the house and generally have a good clean. There's nothing like scrubbing to work out some of the negative emotions and anxiety.

I'm just trying to keep myself in the day and get through it the best way I can. Oopsadaisy1 we never had a joint bank account and I dealt with all the financial stuff. To be honest I wasn't even aware of what income he had as he was never totally upfront about this. That was part of the problem we had too. He was very secretive about this and as the years went on, it was difficult not to feel a bit like having a lodger in the house. I did speak to him about this but he was always dismissive of any concerns I had. I suppose to a degree I just let this situation continue.

I am lucky, I have a DD and a sister who would go to hell and back for you. I still work full time and am so grateful for this, I have a job that I enjoy.

I know I just have to keep going and try not to focus too far into the future. Thanks for all your lovely messages thanks

Shelflife Sun 22-Oct-23 17:17:50

Good luck and I wish you a very happy future - it will come ! 💐💐