Marriage Breakdown

Hopefully bully1 will start a new thread.

This is a really old thread

bullyl

I am just the same in a total loveless marriage don’t even get a kiss and a cuddle he had an affair 25 yers ago but I can’t get over it. He has never said sorry or he loves me I must be an idiot staying but I have nowhere to go

This sounds so sad, I imagine in this case your reasons are financial, does he own the house/flat or do you rent?
And do you have ACs or family members/close friends who could help you.
If you live in a house, even if it is owned by him I think you do have some legal rights to
be compensated for financial contributions to the house over so many years, paying bills, helping with a mortgage etc.
Citizens advice should be able to help.
And perhaps you could stay with ACs or other family members/close friends whilst sorting all this out.
Am assuming you get a pension or maybe are still working, any income is good right now.
And if you do have absolutely nowhere to go it is not unheard of for a couple to go through a divorce whilst living under the same roof, perhaps he will even move out rather than do that.
Don’t give up hope. Nobody should live in a loveless marriage.
All the best 🌹

I am just the same in a total loveless marriage don’t even get a kiss and a cuddle he had an affair 25 yers ago but I can’t get over it. He has never said sorry or he loves me I must be an idiot staying but I have nowhere to go

Just come across this post. Do hope you have moved on Nessieguru! What a lonely time you have had in your ‘marriage’. The warning bells to me were that you don’t even know details of what he has earned over the years and yes, he sounds like a lodger with all the benefits! Lots of positive comments here. I hope you turn a corner over time and find your self worth.

How are you feeling now several months down the line?
Im in a loving but sexless marriage which to some would be fine but for me makes me quite sad and lonely. I crave more than a kiss, cuddle and hold of a hand. I miss sexual intamacy, my urges have not subsided with age but capability is starting to wane which is probably psychological due to regular rejection.

Good luck and I wish you a very happy future - it will come ! 💐💐

Thank you for all the advice and wise words, it does make a difference. I know at this time being isolated is not good for me.

I have been keeping myself busy and have took the time to rejig things in the house and generally have a good clean. There's nothing like scrubbing to work out some of the negative emotions and anxiety.

I'm just trying to keep myself in the day and get through it the best way I can. Oopsadaisy1 we never had a joint bank account and I dealt with all the financial stuff. To be honest I wasn't even aware of what income he had as he was never totally upfront about this. That was part of the problem we had too. He was very secretive about this and as the years went on, it was difficult not to feel a bit like having a lodger in the house. I did speak to him about this but he was always dismissive of any concerns I had. I suppose to a degree I just let this situation continue.

I am lucky, I have a DD and a sister who would go to hell and back for you. I still work full time and am so grateful for this, I have a job that I enjoy.

I know I just have to keep going and try not to focus too far into the future. Thanks for all your lovely messages

It can be so horribly lonely living with someone who is emotionally withdrawn.. This is probably the best solution for you both and you can now make your home loving and cosy by bringing all your friends into it...

Use this time to consult a solicitor, so that you can be sure that you can stay in your house, also check any joint Bank accounts that you have and set up one in your name, then transfer any money that is yours into it.
Sort out your will.
I know you are upset, but use this time to organise your future, I’m sure your ex will be doing the same.

My husband left after 19 years of marriage to be with another woman and I felt bereft, stunned and unsure of what was to come for me and my two sons. The things that made me feel better early on - and totally healed later - were:

-- Boxing up his things, giving them to him and sorting through the rest to give to Good Will (he tended to have multiples of everything - 5 shovels, 5 of the same jacket in different colors clogging up the closet, etc.; of course the second bit I did once he stated he wanted nothing else.) Now 20 years after the split, I've replaced just about everything, one item at a time, with colorful and lovely things that make ME happy!

-- Slowly realizing that I could make all of the small decisions I wanted - eating easy dinners, watching the shows I exclusively liked, not balancing the checkbook to the penny, and so on. Again, now decades later, after making several bigger decisions, I own my own small home outright and live on the pension I earned teaching. My two wonderful sons are married to lovely women, and live 15 minutes away, the oldest with my grandson.

-- Making friends, online, with a woman who was in my shoes. It was so nice to not feel isolated and alone in my specific set of circumstances. We texted, emailed, chatted and visited and, at this point, have been friends for longer than I was married! We're now are on the phone chatting about our grandsons several times a week instead of comparing notes on straying husbands. I also have another dozen, or so, friends that I can call on for love and support. We've been there for each other through health scares, moves, job concerns, and so on.

In other words, it does get better and, in some ways, much, much better. For now, just notice the small things that are improvements (or reliefs!) and reach out to friends and loved ones. It WILL get better a bit every day.

Hi Everybody, thanks so much for the kind words and flowers. I know it's just adapting to this. I have a few close friends who are supporting me but I think clearly I need to start to make some small changes to my life to help me along the way.

The house was mine when we got married and I suppose in time we will work out what equity he is due.

My hope is that for both of us, this will lead to happier times. I don't think our marriage brought the best out of us and hopefully my husband will be able to see this in the future. On the plus side I am looking forward to getting back to how I was as I feel I lost myself in this marriage. Thanks for all the lovely words, it does make a difference.

I am so sorry to hear this, marriage ending is awful, I've been through it twice and wouldn't wish it on anybody. On the other hand it does mean you will soon be ready to make new friends and a new life and meet someone who really can be and will be the right person for you. Huge hugs and I'm sure in a few years time you'll look back and be glad he got out of your life

It is sad when the love has gone from a marriage. It is very early days, things will get better.

I know it is difficult but try to fill your mind with other things and look to the future instead of concentrating on the past.

Oh it is so much better to be alone than in a loveless or abusive relationship It’s sad this has drifted on or limped along so long and it will take a bit of getting used to but it can only get better and like chocolatelovingran says it is just such a relief and I too am an authority on this subject 😂
Yes many of us on here have been where you are
I wish you peace and a great new life

I am sorry to hear this Nessie. As everyone has said already, you must expect a period of mourning for your deceased hopes and dreams and make time to arrange the practical elements of a parting.
However, I want to offer you hope, too. Life after an unhappy marriage can be very good ( I speak with authority on the subject!).
Sending you best wishes for blue skies to come.

Sorry you have had such an unhappy marriage for so long. Things couldn’t have gone on as they were, so now you look ahead. You have to sort out the practical things, such as where you will live and dividing the marital home. You will be happier than you have been, your anxiety levels must have been sky high. Now you know where you stand, it really is better to be on your own than living in a loveless marriage. You will make a new life and be valued again. Wishing you tge best of luck for the future,

I’m so sorry to hear this Nessieguru My first husband left me after 13 years and 3 children and the last few years were very much as you described. I don’t know if you still love him (I did) but this made it feel like a bereavement, and I went through all the stages of grief for my lost future. Unlike bereavement though, time really does heal. I changed my career, found a new (very unsuitable!) new man who gave me some confidence back, made some new friends and fought my way through it. It took a while, but I’ve now been married for 17 years to my lovely second husband and I see my ex without rose coloured specs. Definitely put yourself first, give yourself time and allow tears. Remember who you were before you married him, and avoid people who just want to talk about the break up because it makes them feel better about their own life. You’ll find out who your true friends are. I wish you luck and send you my love x

Hello, I am so sorry to hear this and you will need time to grieve, not necessarily for your husband as it sounds from what you say as though your feelings have died ..... but to grieve for the end of your plans ... your hopes and dreams. Be kind to yourself, just do gentle things that you enjoy - spend time in the company of friends if you feel like it, or alone with a good book or some music if you don't want company.

What will happen regarding your home?

It'll take time to adapt but now you can do what you want to do without this added stress that you've lived with for so long. Things will get better. I speak from experience.

for you and I'm sending you a hug.