Lack of connection, lack of joy.

You don’t exactly have conversations, do you? Did you just marry him because he was nice to you?

True I might never find the right man. Its not something I've looked for at all, seeing as I'm married. I want to continue living with him and being family. But, if he really IS gay, it would be validating for me to know. He's said all kinds of things to make me feel I'm not normal over the years, but everyone I talk to doesnt think its me. I'm still having counselling because of it! (Having counselling because of the person who doesnt want counselling, ha!)

(SIGH)

Yes, I told him about the unwanted sexual advances at work. That is precisely what prompted his disclosure about having an unwanted touch- he said he had been touched genitally as an 18/19 yr old by an older man. The two situations are poles apart as I was not touched genitally and did not have the kind of reaction HE then went on to describe. He said his body "reacted" in excitement. I was so taken aback that I did not go on to ask any questions and I was upset that I didn't get more comfort myself. To be honest though, I don't think the situations are similar.

The guy who touched me inappropriately is a volunteer and has some big problems. He apologised to me today and said he wasn't aware of doing it. I actually do believe him because I've noticed how uncoordinated he can be and have forgiven him.

Oddly enough I've been going along 20 years feeling something was wrong. I'd often wondered if my husband had abuse in his background due to his behaviour around intimacy. I never expected him to say that- and he hasn't mentioned it again since. He did say he thought he was gay for a while... but didnt explain.

Have you told your husband about the unwanted sexual advances you’re getting at work?

You might never find your ideal man. Can you resign yourself to a lonely life just in hope of prince charming finding you? It sounds like your DH is really trying. Make an effort to meet him half way. Separate bedrooms are not the end of a relationship. Both having a good night's sleep sets you up for a bright new day. Occupy your thoughts with other activities and events and you might find contentment.

It takes two to tango

I’m wondering if he’s on the autistic spectrum.

OnwardandUpward

Well it's both really.

Tonight he went to town and sat on the sofa with me actually touching for about fifteen minutes= a rare occurence! I appreciated the affection. He rarely sits on the sofa with me, ever.

I think your earlier suggestion of asking him if he is gay is probably the most sensible, especially if you reassure him that you don't wish to separate if he is. This might bring relief and the emotional closeness you are hoping for. But of course if you then persue another relationship with someone else you might find you don't wish to remain with your husband...

It IS a kind of house mate situation, but I'd miss him if he was'nt there. I don't hate him. Im used to him being there, coexisting with me.

I do actually have a bedroom of my own, which I was planning to use as separate lives but staying together- but in August he realised how I was getting the other bedroom sorted and I told him I was concerned that separate bedrooms are the beginning of the end, but that I just couldnt sleep with him anymore because he was kicking me and sleeping badly. He tried viagra (and had some success) so I let things go.

The other bedroom is still there. I fell out of bed and injured myself last time I used it because the layout is so different and I bashed my leg hard against a solid wood unit.

Last night we were taking about a relative who has an open relationship.

My parents had separate bedrooms and divorced eventually. I think he took the viagra because hes scared of divorce and the financial implications. He has only done it at max once a week (and not every week) Affection is still not there.

We go out for meals every week. We even dance together. Something is just not there.

OnwardandUpward, you did get exactly what you wanted (back then) - a 'safe' but unexciting relationship. Now, of course, you find it boring.

If it's more of a housemate situation, you could either both agree to have separate lives - or divorce and move on. I really can't see the point of trying to improve things now.

It's unrealistic expecting him to change. Relationships run their course, then end, so don't be stuck in a dead one.

Do you both like food ? Maybe a nice evening out at a restaurant, just the two of you. Could make it a monthly/weekly thing trying out different places.

Sounds as if he’s trying then Onward

Perhaps he has low libido, but has really sexually fancied men, but kept it all under covers to try and lead a so called ‘Normal’ life
I think you have to have an honest talk with him as to what you both need/want Of course it’s possible to live together in harmony as friends and each lead a life outside the marriage

Don’t knock single life, it can be a lot better than an empty partnership but it’s also possible to be friends within a marriage as long as you are both in harmony and open and honest about it all

Well it's both really.

Tonight he went to town and sat on the sofa with me actually touching for about fifteen minutes= a rare occurence! I appreciated the affection. He rarely sits on the sofa with me, ever.

OnwardandUpward

Im never bored singly and neither is he. We just have nothing to talk about because we dont like the same things and dont find things we both enjoy together. We dont have mutual friends, never have.

I wish he did make me laugh. That would be novel. Sharing a sense of humour would be a blessing.

As far as "living in harmony" goes, I think we just coexist in a passionless way

I was using your words. In your OP you said that you are living in harmony now it’s we just co-exist in a passionless way

Its not libido and we've had counseling before, twice. He does not like talking with a third person present.

Some people just have a low libido, if the other partner doesn't I can see that causing difficulties.
Would you both be agreeable to counselling perhaps?
Presumably his general health is fine?

kittylester

Baggs

* We just have nothing to talk about because we dont like the same things*

Why can't you talk about what each of you is interested in?
Spouses do not have to be interested in the same things to take an interest in what the other is doing.

Do something interesting and tell him about it.

This!!

Yes, this.

But don't let him see your eyes glaze over when he talks about his favourite hobby or interest for a long time !

At this point, I'm not upset or worried, just mindful of the fact we have not gelled in the bedroom. Looking back , he was eager to marry me and take on my kids and everyone said what a good man. (He is in many ways) But maybe it was a cover.

For the first ten years of the marriage he would blame me for the lack of bedroom activities, saying if only I did this and that. Well, I tried the things he suggested and still no interest. Eventually he started to blame me, saying I was too much. I believed him and got very depressed, even suicidal.

Well I wasn't a fan of living alone, so I settled and accepted that things would not be different. Over the years I've had interest from other men, but not acted on it. I've told him this and he accepts it, but doesn't seem bothered by it.

Yes, I'm not a fan of the single life. I am close to him, as family.

I need to find a way f asking him. If he is definitely gay then I think I would continue to live under the same roof, but we'd both be free to see other people. Perhaps we'd get on even better than ever then.

Now seen your latest post.

You have tried lving separately. Twice.
You dont want to be alone.

You want to talk with him.
I suspect he already knows how you feel.
But that doesnt mean you shouldnt try again.

Going by the last paragraph of your op, I think you want more from him.
I may not be the best person to ask how that is achieved. But I hope you get it.

Yes, a little. Mens activities.

After 20 years of not wanting much to do with me in an intimate way, last week he confessed to having a sexual experience with a man when he was a teenager. I have not taken this any further yet, just listened.

Does he connect with others?

We both like walking the dog. I don't know what we'd do without the dog.

I do show him affection and I dont really expect him to change. I havent told him I feel something lacking for a long time, but we have lived separately twice before.

Yes we go on holiday. We don't have kids together but have a dog together.

What do I actually expect? I don't know. Just to talk about feelings really and get things in perspective.

I appreciate him in lots of ways, or I'd have ended things. I don't want to be alone and I do go out to work and have loads of things that I do.

You could go on walks together?
Go on car trips together?

OnwardandUpward

Im never bored singly and neither is he. We just have nothing to talk about because we dont like the same things and dont find things we both enjoy together. We dont have mutual friends, never have.

I wish he did make me laugh. That would be novel. Sharing a sense of humour would be a blessing.

As far as "living in harmony" goes, I think we just coexist in a passionless way

Do you have family together?

Do you go on holiday together?