? DH micro cheating

Hi Nana75
I’ve been through something similar, a betrayal of trust, secrets and lies.
The reason your husband kept this secret from you was obviously because he didn’t want you to know. If it was innocent, he would’ve told you about the communication and not deleted emails. His intention likely was to rekindle a relationship with her. Perhaps he’s always had regrets about ending it? It’s possible he kept it a secret because he thought you wouldn’t be happy about it. Let’s face it you don’t know his motives and he’s shown you he’s capable of being secretive!
His reaction of anger when you confronted him is very worrying. He didn’t show contrition or concern that your relationship was under threat.
Since then he’s refused counselling and not engaged with any material you’ve shown him to make him confront what he’s done.
You say you’re looking to forgive him, and where that’s entirely possible I’d say unlikely. In order for you for you to forgive, he first needs to acknowledge he’s done wrong, acknowledge the hurt he’s caused, damaged your trust in him possibly irreparably and show assurance it’s not going to happen again.
In my case we did see 2 counsellors. I didn’t wholly believe he was being honest with either of them. Along the way I uncovered secretive behaviour, lies by omission and quite frankly learned things that have traumatised me to the point I’ve ended up on anti depressants.
I did all the heavy lifting ie found counsellors, tried to show him podcasts etc but he never listened to them saying it was phoney and not real life. His explanation for all this was that ‘he didn’t find it helpful to talk!’ Well you know what? I do!
Perhaps if he’d not taken it for granted that I’d keep on fighting for our relationship, we’d be in a different place now.
We still live under the same roof but sleep in different rooms. After limping on for some time I came to the gradual realisation that he wasn’t prepared to do the things I needed him to do to enable trust to be rebuilt. I distanced myself to the point I wouldn’t let him kiss or touch me let alone have sex.
He didn’t like it, saying he was lonely but it’s what I needed to do to lessen the hurt he’d caused.
As I said I’m still here mainly for financial reasons but partly because I don’t want to be alone at my age. It’s miserable to be frank and he complains I’m not respectful to him!! He recently admitted he regrets what’s happened but it’s a little late now.
Think about putting some boundaries and ultimatums in now. Shift the power from him to you for deciding what happens next. Tell him that although your trying, your not succeeding in being able to forgive and enable trust in him to be rebuilt. Tell him you’d like him to find a good relationship counsellor and preferably one versed in betrayal/infidelity. Give him a timescale of a couple of weeks and then reconvene to find out if he’s made an appointment. Take control! If he refuses again, hard as it is, at least you know where you stand about how he values your relationship and marriage. Best wishes to you x

That sounds very positive Nana. Even your getting some counselling for yourself would be helpful I imagine.

In the case I mentioned, the DH, once accepted back by his wronged family, seemed to be a reformed character by the time he died.

I do wonder if the woman had behaved like him, whether society would be so quick to forgive.

"Grammaretto"I have suggested counselling on more than one occasion.He constantly refuses.I have even asked him to read different articles,again the answer is no! I am now looking into" forgiving ".Apparently it,s not to" let the betrayed off the hook"but to let the betrayed heal and move forward.Again it's a work in progress and it will take time.Hopefully I'll get there in the end!

Would relationship counselling help do you think?
I do know someone whose DH left her and 4 kids for a very young woman on whom he lavished gifts. He even bought himself a red sportscar. It was pathetic and his DC were mortified as they were teenagers at the time
Much to our acquaintances astonishment, when the young woman had had enough of him, his DW took him back saying there was too much good in their marriage to let this silly fling spoil it.

I expect your husband is feeling pretty stupid about his electronic flirtation. As others have said, this was deceitful and disrespectful.
He must know how much it has upset you. You don't have to pretend all is forgiven, certainly not forgotten.
I hope you - and he - will eventually be able to put this episode behind you.

An update; I think I am at last "getting" over the shock and hurt of his "online cheating" .However it's definitely a work in progress.I have good and bad days.Sometimes I have "triggers," a situation,or the whole thing just pops into my mind for no apparent reason.I did read somewhere the biggest trigger is the one you live with.So true!!

I mentioned your situation to my dh and he asked if your dh was still alive.
Don’t put up with his nonsense. You are not a door mat. You are his wife.

I doubt, confrontation with the woman, will get you anywhere. I did it, but was left looking like a fool, because he left me anyway and married her. And, she was a married woman - divorced her husband obviously.

I would e-mail her and ask what she was up to and if she was married. If she is tell her you'll tell her `dh .
Then I would tell my dh what I had done and try to assess his reaction..He might just be an old man trying to relive his youth but he can't expect to do that at your expense and well-being. He needs telling.

Thank you Meryl, But the post you referred to ,the poster was the perpetrator! He was upset because the one time love he "couldn't get over"stopped replying to him! He had been "chasing" her electronically.Therefore my advice to him,and to my DH was indeed "leave the past where it belongs,in the past! My DH chose to ignore my advice which is why I am where I am now.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nana75
The past is just that! Leave it there.live in the here and now
Ring any bells? They were your words to another poster with a marital problem.
It would help you to heed your own advice.

This is not an ethical suggestion btw, but do you know the password to your DH emails? Assess your DH emails – without his knowledge of course and then block her email address.

He can no longer communicate with her through emails in future and you can then hopefully move on.

If you keep picking a scab it’ll never heal.

Honestly even if I could forgive a partner, I couldn't forget so for me, a betrayal would be the end of the road.
Having been the victim of a liar once, I decided at that point that I wasn't going to play that game again.

Knowing that no meeting took place, would I let it spoil an otherwise good relationship?, if he is contacting an ex girlfriend is he contacting other women. As the OP seems to have access to his media I would discretely keep an eye on what he was doing, also for any unexplained movements.

As a one off I don’t think I would take any action but I would be on alert for anything else.

He's lost your trust hasn't he? I suspect the hurt will fade in time, but he'll never win you back again.
Thinking of you.

Thankyou for all the really lovely comments!😊 I should have added the emails stopped a while ago.Thankfully! Unfortunately my hurt and upset have continued despite this. There was never a meeting and of course all these years ago couples didn,t live together.But from what I,ve been told they saw each other frequently;every weekend and occasionally weekdays too.By the way to confirm,yes I have posted before under a couple of "headings".However this one seems to have" struck a chord ".Also by way of an update,I broached the" subject "again with DH.Well.......I don,t know where you all are,but I wouldn't be surprised if you had heard him.Ballistic doesn't cover it!! I did eventually manage to counter his wrath by saying" YOU did THAT and you're going off on one!!As a quick add on,he is never physically violent but the extent of the anger compensates for that!I did appreciate Whethertomorrow,s post.Email my own past love or make one up!! I think I am slowly getting over all of it.However there are still "triggers"which bring it all back again!.
L

Message her and ssk where does she think she is going with this I would let OH know that you have been in contact with her and see how he reacts.

There is no way that this is not cheating he is being very disrespectful to you and your marriage, a kick up the backside comes to mind.

Marriage back in my day was a contract for life. You tried to keep eachother happy and if lucky you grew closer together as the years past.

Obviously for some people it wouldn't last the course and they were better apart. In this case, it sounds like a midlife fantasy. He hardly knows this woman. Does she even know he's married? Are they perhaps both playing games to amuse themselves?
It's not amusing for you so perhaps you should invite her round and find her side of the story.

Grammaretto

*Norah*, really!

That didn't take long---

That's how I feel. We took vows - not any included cheating.

Norah, really!

He's cheating, full stop. I'd be furious, wouldn't keep that to myself.

I'd put all his pants in a carrier bag, outside on the porch, have the locks changed. His solicitor could contact mine to give me everything. I have no patience, but I know I'll be told I'm wrong.

Oh I didn’t know Meryl, must have missed that thread.

maddyone

I feel for you. As others have said, this is cheating. You must confront your husband about this, I’m quite surprised you haven’t done so already.
I hope you can sort it out

The OP has confronted her husband many times. She posted all this information about 2 weeks ago.